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How Sex Therapy Can Lead to More Intimacy

March 31, 2022 by

A relationship requires different things to thrive. Good communication is necessary, as is mutual respect and compromise. But one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is a sense of intimacy between each other. While intimacy can be fostered through communication, there is really no better avenue to it than a loving sexual relationship.

Often, when people are having trouble in the bedroom, their sense of intimacy takes a significant hit. That’s why it is recommended that couples seek the guidance of a sex therapist.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that can help couples address any issues they may be having in their sex life. The goal of sex therapy is to assist individuals to move past any physical, emotional, or psychological challenges they may be facing to enjoy healthy and satisfying sex life.

Symptoms of Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction is more common than you might realize. In fact, 43% of women and 31% of men have reported experiencing some form of a sexual issue during their life.

Some of the most common symptoms of sexual dysfunction are:

  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Low or no libido
  • Premature ejaculation
  • No interest in sex
  • Low self-esteem
  • Lack of response to sexual stimulus
  • An inability to reach orgasm
  • Distressing sexual thoughts
  • Unwanted sexual fetishes

Sex therapy can help individuals address and change their behavior, leading to increased sexual satisfaction.

How Does Sex Therapy Work?

The term sex therapy conjures up all sorts of scenarios in a person’s mind! But the reality is, this therapy is like other forms of talk therapy where you share your experiences, feelings, and concerns.

In a safe and nonjudgmental setting, a couple can openly discuss any sexual issues with their therapist, who then offers coping strategies to help improve communication and sexual responses.

A qualified sex therapist is not there to take anyone’s side or show the couple how to have sex. He or she is there to facilitate understanding, development, and ultimate healing so that intimacy can be reestablished between the couple. If your therapist suspects your sexual issues stem from a physical condition, they will refer you to a medical doctor.

Sex Therapy Benefits

Sex therapy can help establish intimacy because it:

  • Strengthens communication. Your therapist is there to help you and your partner have uncomfortable conversations.
  • Helps you heal. It is quite common for one or both people in the relationship to have sexual pain or trauma from their past.
  • Cope with performance anxiety. Many men suffer from performance anxiety while many women are unable to let go and reach orgasm.
  • Navigate infidelity. Recovering from infidelity can be incredibly challenging.

Finding a Sex Therapist

Typically, a certified sex therapist is a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, clinical social worker, or marriage and family therapist. They are specialists who go through rigorous training in human sexuality to become accredited as a sex therapist.

To find one in your area, you may search the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

If you are in the area and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me so we can discuss how I may help you.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

How to Recover from Infidelity

March 16, 2022 by

In my time as a marriage counselor, there is probably one statement I have heard more than any other, and that is, “I just don’t think I will ever get over this.” This statement is often said by my clients who have recently learned their spouse has had an affair. The second most common phrase I hear is, “I just don’t think I can ever trust them again.”

The initial shock of infidelity cuts deep. Knowing your partner has broken your trust in such a profound way can completely turn your world upside down.

Whether or not a couple can recover from infidelity depends on the two individuals and the bond they have already built. It also depends on the exact circumstances of the affair. Was it a drunken one-night stand on a business trip or an affair that lasted for years? Were love and intimacy involved, or was it merely a physical occurrence?

What I can tell you is that for those couples who want to try and stay together, it will take work on both of their parts. But healing can happen.

The Recovery Process

Recovery must begin with an absolute ending to the affair. All ties must be cut before the work can begin. Should the affair continue behind the scenes, in my experience, the relationship is very unlikely to succeed.

The second step to recovery is for the deceiver to be able to move past defensiveness and guilt so they make talk openly and transparently about what happened. This is a time when the “guilty” party will have to be humble, acknowledge their wrong-doings, and answer their partner’s questions.

Next, there must be a shared understanding of what led to the affair in the first place. Were there issues in the marriage that led to the affair? If so, these will need to be tackled.

In order for the deceived spouse or partner to be able to begin healing, they will need to feel genuine compassion from their partner for having caused them pain. There is typically a knee-jerk reaction to not want to accept the cheater’s apologies or compassion. This can be seen as a way to “get back.” But understand that doing so only holds you back from healing.

The person that was deceived will also need to explore all of their feelings surrounding the betrayal. Usually shock, rage, fear, sadness, and distrust are the main emotions a person will need to work through.

At a certain point, you both will need to decide whether you will stay together. If you choose to, you will need to work on rebuilding that trust.

As you can see, the process of recovery is a complex one and will require that you work with a marriage counselor to help you navigate the strong emotions involved. But, through commitment and work, many couples can stay together and even have a stronger bond than they did before.

If you would like to seek counseling for infidelity, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Sex Therapy for Intimacy Issues

March 9, 2022 by

When people desire to be in a relationship, they are not wanting or needing company or someone to do things with. Most people look for that perfect relationship because they want real, true intimacy in their life. But what is intimacy, really?

Intimacy is NOT the same thing as sex. You can have sex without intimacy.

Intimacy is TRUE and genuine closeness with another human being. It is a connection that is developed over time. While intimacy brings unparalleled joy into our lives, it can also feel incredibly frightening to some people. Because to be intimate means to open yourself up to another human being. It means showing up, flaws and all, and putting in the work.

Ultimately, intimacy is a wonderful byproduct of an emotional connection that has been built over time by two individuals who deeply love and respect each other.

What Does Fear of Intimacy Look Like?

While many people struggle with a fear of intimacy, not everyone knows the signs and symptoms, as they can be mistaken for other emotions.
People who fear intimacy often have low self-esteem and trust issues. They may experience episodes of anger from time to time and have a history of toxic relationships. Many avoid physical contact and are unable to easily share their feelings or express emotions.

How Therapy Can Help

There are a variety of reasons a person may experience fear of intimacy. From childhood trauma to low self-worth and fear of rejection, people from all walks of life, all ages, and all backgrounds have developed a fear of getting close to another person.

If you believe you have a fear of intimacy, sex therapy is a powerful tool that can help you work through any underlying causes. A therapist can help you identify the root of your trouble and help you weed it out. He or she can also help you heal from any past traumas so you can start to get close and connect with others.

The bottom line is, intimacy is a wonderful part of life. To miss out on it would be a tragic shame.

If you’d like to work with someone on your intimacy issues, please reach out to me. I can provide tools and techniques to help you develop a deeper connection with your partner and yourself.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Men's Issues, Sexual Health, Women's Issues

Knowing When to End a Relationship

February 28, 2022 by

Relationships can enrich our lives, but they can also cause damage. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or significant other, any relationship comes with its share of challenges. And more often than not, putting in the effort to resolve relational issues can and does result in a healthier bond.

But there are those relationships that, no matter the amount of work and goodwill put into them, will never bring a return on your time or heart investment. These relationships are toxic, and they need to be ended in order for you to heal and move on.

3 Signs the Relationship Needs to End

There are More Negative Interactions Than Positive Ones

Every relationship has its good interactions and its not-so-good ones. But there are those relationships that seem like every interaction is tense and filled with negative emotions. When communication becomes difficult or impossible, the relationship is beyond fixing.

Vastly Different Needs

In the beginning of a new friendship or romance, it’s easy to try and compromise with one another, making certain both person’s needs are being met. Over time, some friends or couples realize their needs are too different.

For instance, in a romantic couple, someone may need more sex than the other. Someone may need to always be in control or have a need to lie. These kinds of clashing needs are a red flag for any relationship.

A Blatant Lack of Respect

Respect is essential in relationships. But sometimes there are those individuals that seem incapable of respecting the other person, their needs, their boundaries, their wishes, etc. These people tend to be on the narcissistic spectrum and are incapable of having empathy or respect for others’ needs.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of signs, but these three are some of the most common and problematic signs.

Letting Go and Moving On

Once you know it is time to end the relationship, you may find that your head and heart waffle back and forth, wondering if you are making the right decision. This is why it’s always a good idea to have someone in your corner you can rely on to give you honest feedback, sound advice, and clarity.

Sometimes you can find this champion in your network of friends and family, but other times it might be best to find a totally neutral third party. Someone you never have to wonder whether they are “just saying that” because they love and care about me.

A therapist can help you navigate your intense emotions and make the best decision for your happiness and peace of mind.

If you are currently struggling in a relationship and would like some help navigating it, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

RESOURCES:

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Benefits of a Mental Health Day from Work or School

February 21, 2022 by

We’ve all had those days when the alarm goes off and we lie in bed, feeling depleted of our energy, and maybe even our good mood. We think to ourselves, “I’m not really sick, but I just need a break from real life today.” While taking a sick day is common when you are feeling physically unwell, what’s not as common – but perhaps should be – is taking a mental health day when you are feeling mentally and emotionally unwell.

Now many, if not most, companies do offer their employees personal days with no questions asked. But many people save these days for what seems like real-life emergencies. They feel guilty if they use one of these days to simply rest and relax their mind.

The truth is, taking a mental health day from work or school can be extremely important for your overall well-being. It can help you avoid burnout, improve your mood, help you get some much-needed rest, and rejuvenate you so you can tackle “real life” once again.

Signs It’s Time for a Mental Health Day

So how do you know when you are really in need of a mental health day and when you’re just feeling a bit lazy and unmotivated?

Stress

You’ve been feeling overwhelmed and irritable.

You Just Feel… Off

Sometimes we don’t feel like ourselves, but we can’t quite put our finger on what’s wrong. We know we feel anxious and like the world is a bit too much. This is a sure sign you need a break.

Getting Sick More Often

Are you dealing with a cold that “just won’t go away?” When we are stressed, our immune systems become compromised, and it’s harder for us to fight off the common cold.

The bottom line is you should never feel guilty for taking some time for your mental health. I encourage you to take a mental health day every once in a while. Sometimes it’s the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves.

And if you find a mental health day didn’t quite do the trick, you may have more going on in your life that requires more hands-on treatment. If you like the idea of speaking with someone about whatever is bothering you, please get in touch with me so we can discuss treatment options.

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, General

Why Consider Premarital Counseling with a Faith-Based Counselor

February 3, 2022 by

“’Til death do us part.” It’s a nice thought. Until about three years into the marriage when you realize you don’t really know the person you married. 

Premarital counseling is a form of counseling offered by family therapists to help couples who are planning to marry. Premarital counseling is a great way for couples to identify and resolve any potential areas of conflict before tying the knot.

While licensed marriage and family counselors can provide this form of counseling, sometimes individuals may want to work with someone who shares their same faith. Since faith is such an integral part of people’s lives and relationships, it makes sense that couples would want to work with someone who shares and respects their religious and spiritual beliefs.

Here are some specific benefits of participating in premarital counseling with a faith-based counselor:

True Communion

Every faith has its unique perspective on marriage and commitment. Marriage is not just about spending time with someone you like and find attractive, it’s about joining together in the eyes of God to build an anointed life together. A faith-based counselor can help you pinpoint the reason you two are committing to one another.

Raising Children in the Faith

If you don’t know exactly what you both believe and where your values lie, how will you successfully raise children? To raise happy and healthy children, parents must be in agreement and alignment with one another and with their holy texts.

Better Communication

Numerous surveys by counselors have uncovered a simple truth: communication problems are the number one factor leading to divorce. Premarital counseling can help couples identify what each other says and how they say it. Faith-based counseling takes it one step further and helps couples respect one another so that successful communication is more likely.

If you’re interested in exploring faith-based counseling, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

Filed Under: faith, marriage

What is the Gottman Method?

January 28, 2022 by

When we fall in love with our spouses or partners, we never imagine that someday the honeymoon phase might end. We want to believe those Hollywood romantic comedies that make us believe we will “live happily ever after.”

The truth is, all couples have their fair share of ups and downs. That’s natural. Healthy relationships require a lot of work. But sometimes it can be difficult to do this work when communication has completely broken down and when there is a blatant lack of respect. Enter the Gottman Method.

What Exactly is the Gottman Method?

As a family and relationship counselor, I am always looking for tools and strategies that will help me help my clients. A few years ago, I was introduced to the Gottman Method, and it has changed my entire practice for the better.

Simply put, the goal of the Gottman Method, created by husband and wife therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, improve communication and ultimately increases trust, respect, and intimacy. This specific approach to couples counseling integrates research-based interventions and includes a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship. This assessment is what allows counselors like myself to develop a personalized therapeutic framework to bring about lasting change. 

What Can You Expect?

The assessment will show us what your relational strengths and challenges are. From there, I design a special counseling framework that will help you replace negative relationship patterns with positive ones. The work we do together will help you both increase your intimacy and deepen your emotional connection. 

Is the Gottman Method Right for You?

The Gottman Method has been successful for couples who are dealing with the following:

  • Frequent arguing
  • Problems with communication
  • Lack of emotional connection
  • Lack of trust and intimacy

If you and your partner have become aware of some big challenges in the relationship, and you’d like some guidance in overcoming those challenges, then please reach out to me.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized

Financial Intimacy

January 6, 2020 by

 

Financial Intimacy  101

Money is not a four-letter word.  Then why do some couples fight about it or even refuse to discuss it all together?

You may have heard the statistic that money is the #1 cause of divorce, but that’s only partly true.  Whether you have it or not isn’t the root of the problem, it is typically what each person in the relationship thinks should be done with it that is the issue.

Some people grew up in a home where money was a taboo subject.  They experience anxiety or shame when they discuss finances.  Some grew up in a household where there simply wasn’t an abundance so they often heard the adults around them complaining about money.  Still, others experienced life with financially savvy adults who were not afraid to discuss money, no matter how much or how little there was, it was simply a fact of life.

No matter your background, you can change your outlook on money and finances at any time you choose.  Its never too late to begin discussions with your significant other about the finances you share.  Here are some quick tips to get the conversation started:

-Start the discussion at a mutually convenient, calm time of day.  Maybe skip that evening TV and sit down to look over the bank account together.

-Start small. Keep the conversations brief in the beginning.  Have a goal for the conversation, accomplish it and move on.  If talking about finances stresses one partner out, taking baby steps can keep them from getting turned off to the idea altogether.

-Keep the emotions at bay.  Money and finances can make people very emotional.  If you feel sadness, despair, anger or frustration start to emerge it’s time to take a break.  Admit that you need a break and will come back to the topic once you have had a chance to wrap your head around things.

-Decide on regular budget meetings (or whatever you choose to call them) that you and your partner can sit down together and see that you are on the same page with your money management.  This is especially important if you are working on specific financial goals like saving for a house, new car, vacation or paying off debt.

-If one person making all of the financial decisions works for your situation, then go for it.  If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to speak up.  Even if one person is making all of the decisions on where the money should/could be spent, it is crucial both parties stay informed of the current financial status of the household.

I hope these quick tips help get the conversation started.   We are committed to your success as a couple, if you or your partner need mediation or counseling to help you through please don’t hesitate to call for an appointment.

 

Are you wanting a vacation in paradise, one that will re-kindle the passion that has been lost? A vacation without kids. A vacation where you learn how to communicate. A vacation where your partner actually hears you and gains insight – Vacation Counseling is Your Next Vacation.

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Hidden Intimacy

October 29, 2019 by

 

Hidden Intimacy 

 

Technology shoulders a lot of the blame when it comes to losing the intimate connections in our relationships, and for good reason.  What if we turned the tables? What if we could open the doors to the best intimate connection we have ever had with our partner? What if we could capture true, authentic intimacy through…a cell phone?  

 

Instead of looking to your phone to be a distraction, with a whole world of information at your fingertips, you could look at it as a direct inbox to your significant other.  It all depends on how you’re using this modern tool. 

 

Never before have we been able to send a mid-day message to our spouse about how much they inspire us and we can’t wait to see them at dinner {heart emoji}.  Or send a picture, for their eyes only, of the chic outfit you chose for date night. 

 

If we harness this connection, we can have the strongest relationship we have ever experienced, but ground rules are key.  Here are 3 quick tips to using the phone to bring you closer and less distracted.  

 

  1. Send a lunch time “I love you” or “Can’t wait to see you!”. Knowing someone is thinking about you in the hours you are away feeds intimacy.  I even encourage you to get a little more racey. Maybe let them know you can’t wait for that massage they promised you, or tell them how much your lips can’t wait to kiss them! 
  2. Inside jokes are strings that hold us together.  We have them with friends, coworkers and most importantly, our partners.  You can send a funny meme, picture, or joke that maybe only they will understand because of the life you have shared.  You can give them a giggle and get your warm welcome when you are reunited.  
  3. Schedule technology down time.  These instant messengers we have at our fingertips are amazing tools for fostering intimacy and closeness, but left unchecked and they can be a major distraction.  Set a guideline for when the phones, tablets and notifications go silent and you can spend priceless one on one time together as often as is needed in your relationship. 

 

Intimacy can be created in so many ways as we yearn for that deeper connection.  If you use the tools in the right ways, and are diligent about minimizing distractions, you can have the best relationship you will ever experience.  

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Emotional Intimacy – 5 Tips to Grow Intimacy in Your Relationship

October 22, 2019 by

 

 

Emotional Intimacy seems  simple and straight forward, but can be  surprisingly elusive.  Emotional intimacy can vary greatly from couple to couple, person to person and from one time to another. Emotional intimacy is the perception of closeness.  Emotionally intimate couples have a shared expectation of understanding, affirmation and sharing of personal feelings and bonding.

Emotional intimacy can set the tone for all other types of intimacy in a relationship, making it a heavily discussed topic among relationship therapists and family therapists.

Here are 5 basic ways you can cultivate more intimacy every day:

  1. Quality Time –  Text, email and social media are very efficient ways to communicate throughout the day and get things done.  When you want to spend intentional quality time with your spouse, most couples find it useful to silence the electronics and put them in a drawer  or basket while time is spent focused on the people around them.  If its family game night, dinner or conversation over tea couples report feeling like they get more value out of time spent without the distraction of electronics.  In this scenario quality is of greater value than quantity.
  2. Be an open door – Acceptance is the biggest component of emotional intimacy.  If someone feels accepted exactly the way they are, they are more likely to open up and also accept you.  What is acceptance exactly?  Acceptance is loving a person without criticism, exceptions, judgement or control.  This doesn’t mean we never disagree or disapprove of their actions.  Rather, it is a “I will disagree with you and still honor you, your thoughts, feelings and independence” practice. Disagreements are normal and healthy and individuals in a relationship should have their own independent ideas and thoughts without fear of being criticized.
  3. Plan fun –  It’s 2019 and it feels like every minute of every day is scheduled.  “Honey, did you put that on the calendar?” is a daily conversation it seems.   Can we effectively schedule play and fun?  Of course we can!  Whether it’s once a week or twice per month schedule play time in advance and make sure it gets scheduled so nothing sneaks in there and takes it away.  You can schedule something specific like sports, crafts or watching silly videos on the internet together or be more flexible and leave it as open free time to spend with one another or the family.
  4. Talk bout what you want –  avoidance kills intimacy.  Assuming your partner knows what you need or avoiding the topic hoping it will ‘blow  over’ is a recipe for a broken heart.  Let your partner know you desire more quality time, more fun time, more deep discussions and lively conversation. Speak up when you need help or have big news.
  5. Practice, practice, practice.  –  The more we open up to our significant others or allow our partners to open up to us without fear of judgement or criticism the more we are likely to continue.  Don’t let the opportunity to have your spouse be your best friend and confidant slip away.  We are all searching for that deeper connection to authentic intimacy and there is no quick fix.  You deserve a strong, healthy relationship and so does your partner.

If you ever feel like the intimacy is lost, you’re feeling alone or your relationship is too damaged to recover, don’t lose hope.   Our counselors are dedicated to your success as a couple and in life.  It’s never too late to try again.

 

 

 

If you or someone you love is  wanting a vacation in paradise, one that will re-kindle the passion that has been lost? A vacation without kids. A vacation where you learn how to communicate. A vacation where your partner actually hears you and gains insight – Vacation Counseling is Your Next Vacation.

 

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