100 Practices For Great Relationships June 19, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Linda & Charlie Bloom ~ 3 min read 100 Practices For Great Relationships How to grow a great one. Linda: When my husband Charlie and I did our study Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples about Lasting Love, these are the practices that they told us had held them in good sted to grow their exemplary relationships. As you read through the list, assess your own strengths and growing edge. Congratulate yourself for the areas that you shine. And this list will assist you in identifying where your work is to become eligible for a great relationship if you take on the practices. Cultivating vision by asking yourself “What available? What’s possible here? Risking by growing courage and assertiveness Showing up for what’s happening Accepting/Letting go/Surrender to what is Staying on top of incompletions Being able to change channels is flexibility Being able to distinguish truth from imagination Letting go of guilt and see it’s source Allowing yourself to receive and be supported-Being a Gracious Receiver Creating a community of support by accepting physical and emotional support and connection Practicing gratitude especially when you’re resentful or feeling self-pity Practicing compassion for yourself and others when there is mistreatment or unkindness Being open and vulnerable Having trusting relationships with others who can see what you can’t Telling the truth Refusing to lie and refusing to lie to your self Practicing patience when we are tired of waiting Checking in with yourself and with your partner regularly Setting boundaries and stopping before you get to your limit Not withholding love Willingness to feel the pain Creating a close primary relationship through giving and loving abundantly Living with authenticity Willingness to feel Letting others know how you feel Acknowledging vulnerability, fears, needs and desires Dis-identifying with the ego/body Taking solace and comfort wherever you find it Creating work that you love that heals you to do it Being involved with your kid’s friends Outgrowing the need for others’ approval Not taking on others’ projections Practicing acceptance of the little pains and losses Using all experiences in life to deepen spiritual practice Staying current and complete with everyone in your life all the time Trusting the truth of your experience Refusing to accept a victim identity Taking responsibility for everything in your life Refusing to engage in blame of self or others Staying away from bad therapists Staying out of the mainstream Making a big space for the dark shadow, to include your craziness, weakness, helplessness, vulnerability, hatred, ignorance, and prejudice Taking care of your body Cultivating self-love and self-acceptance Practicing humility Knowing how to replenish and refuel and do it! Trusting your body not your mind Knowing what feels right and going after it Continuing to give no matter what Working if you can; if you can’t, don’t Doing whatever it takes to get you through the night Practicing generosity of spirit Finding something to be grateful for always Accepting love from others even if you doubt you are worthy or deserving Avoiding comparisons Reducing attachments to preferences Finding the teachings and blessings in everything Saying yes to everything life brings you Living in such a way as to be worthy of trust and respect Participating fully in grief-work Experiencing feelings and emotions, expressing, acknowledging feelings through journaling, group-work, therapy, and looking for opportunities to communicate feelings Living with mindfulness, presence, meditation Finding your courage, risk challenging yourself and pressing the edge Going outside of the comfort zone Asking for help, requesting support, Containing or holding feelings-this is not repressing or suppressing them. Expressing spontaneously Checking in with self and other. Checking your intention, stating intention Taking down time or soul time Living a life of service, contribution, volunteer, generosity, giving Committing to compassionate self-care Drawing boundaries Saying “no” without explanation, justification, rationalization or excuses Uncovering and recognizing the fear Making requests Only making agreements you are committed to keeping Going on a “should fast” Checking in and only doing what you can do without feeling obligated Doing only what you want to do, rather than from a sense of duty or obligation. If there isn’t a desire, don’t do it Playing. Doing activities for no reason other than that it provides fun or pleasure Looking at your motives and intentions with keen self-examination. Witnessing in the state of non-judging awareness Allowing yourself solitude Spending time in nature Forgiving when you’ve been wronged or wronged another. Forgiving everyone Breathing consciously Identifying and cultivating and strengthening talents Setting goals. What do you want to experience? How often? Slowing down and examining the fear of slowing down Holding the tension of the opposites Withholding opinions, advice, and philosophy unless it is solicited Taking time outs such as “I need a moment to think about that.” Declining requests and invitations Finding and honoring your own pace and rhythm, rather than going along with others Practicing non-judgment by going on a blame fast . This will prompt learning to distinguish the “judge” from your authentic self Building strength, both physical and intellectual Discovering the gold in the shadow and befriend it rather than resisting it. Looking for the growth opportunity in each breakdown (A breakdown is any situation, which involves a disappointment in expectations of self or other or circumstances. Seeing it as a means of strengthening specific character traits.) Becoming a better/more loving/stronger/ more whole person
How Faith Helps Depression May 19, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Therese J. Borchard Associate Editor ~ 3 min read A substantial amount of research points to the benefits of faith to mitigate symptoms of depression. In one study, for example, researchers at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, found that belief in God was associated with better treatment outcomes. They followed 159 individuals over the course of a year to examine the relationship between a person’s level of belief in God, expectations for treatment, and actual treatment outcomes. Individuals with no belief — or only a slight belief — in God were twice as likely to not respond to treatment than people with stronger beliefs. Of all my sanity tools, my faith is what has kept me alive during severe depressive episodes. When I’m convinced that no one else could comprehend the intense suffering I’m experiencing, I cling to my belief in a God who created me for a reason, who knows my pain more intimately than any other human being, and who will see me through to the other side. Faith Provides Hope I was just 11 years old when I learned of faith’s power to strengthen someone in the midst of a deep depression. In the year of my parent’s separation, my mother, devastated by the loss, prayed a novena to Saint Thérèse of Lisieux. On the fifth day of five consecutive days of prayer, when tradition holds that the person will receive a shower of roses, our neighbor Mr. Miller, who kept an impeccable garden, was pruning his rose bushes. He gave six dozen flowers in stunning shades to my sister to surprise my mother. I’ll never ever forget the tears of hope she cried when, on the fifth day of her novena, she walked into a kitchen that looked and smelled like a rose garden. Through the intercession of St. Thérèse, she knew her prayer had been answered and God would give her the resolve she needed to get through her depression. For a nonbeliever, I know it may appear lame to depend on such “signs” from God — superstitious attempts to make sense out of nothing. But these “signs” have provided me immense comfort during critical times in my mental health journey; they’re consolation that God is with me. They’ve even saved my life at times, reminding me that although I can’t always feel God’s love, He is with me. Faith Changes Your Brain One reason that faith protects against depression could be that religious practice actually changes the brain. According to research conducted by Lisa Miller, professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University’s Teachers College, a thickening of the brain cortex is associated with spiritual and religious activities. This study links the protective benefit of spirituality or religion to previous studies that identified large expanses of cortical thinning in specific regions of the brains of adult offspring of families at high risk for major depression. A previous study by Miller and her team published in September 2011 in The American Journal of Psychiatry showed a 76 percent decrease in major depression in adults who said they highly valued spirituality or religiosity, and whose parents suffered from the disease. Faith Assigns Meaning to Suffering All religious traditions, especially the Jewish and Christian faiths, offer plenty of examples of how some very bad situations (think Job) were redeemed in the end, and all the suffering actually had a purpose — some greater good came out of it. The Christian story is a powerful provider of redemption and hope in Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection. Pope John Paul II explains in his encyclical on suffering, Salvifici Doloris, that because of the Cross, all suffering has a purpose and is even a vocation. I, for one, find immense consolation in that concept: that my tears and angst have a greater purpose and can be used for goodness. The Psalms are full of verses of inspiration for those caught in depression’s hold, saying that God is there in our trials and will carry us through the valley of despair. Faith Provides a Support System According to research conducted at the University of Colorado in Boulder, regular churchgoers live longer than people who never go to worship services. One reason associated with the longevity is the social support gained by a church community. One consistent key to happiness is weaving a network of support for yourself: We all need a security net. If you go to church regularly — and especially if you get involved in your parish or church community — that social support is provided. Also, regular churchgoers are more likely to GIVE support to others, and this act of generosity, or any altruistic activity, really, promotes better health. Faith Provides Heroes and Inspiration We do better navigating the dark night when we know people have walked the same steps before us and arrived at the light. Different faith traditions offer us plenty of heroes we can turn to for inspiration. Like my mom, I have always maintained a strong devotion to St. Thérèse of Lisieux, my patron saint. In my deepest depressions, I would read her Story of a Soul over and over again, trying to imitate her faithfulness and little ways despite her despair at the end of her life. So many of the saints have known profound anguish and depression, which is why they can be helpful guides to anyone with inner pain. Join Project Hope & Beyond, the new depression community. Originally posted on Sanity Break at Everyday Health.
Apps for Depression April 17, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Lauren Walters ~ 1 min read Introduction Do you suffer from Major Depressive Disorder? Are you looking for ways to overcome depression? Try looking on your phone for ways to overcome Major Depressive Disorder. This article will explore apps for Major Depressive Disorder. Health Through Breath The first app that individuals with Major Depressive Disorder can benefit from is Health Through Breath. According to healthline.com, the following can be mentioned about this app: Stress contributes to many symptoms of ill health, including depression. Health Through Breath is one app that attempts to soothe your mind and body through relaxation. According to the app’s makers, relaxation techniques can have benefits for people who have depression as well as migraines, high blood pressure, asthma, and more. It features guided, slow breathing techniques to help you learn to relax deeply and quickly. Positive Thinking In addition to Health Through Breath, another app that can help individuals with Major Depressive Disorder is Positive Thinking. According to healthline.com, the following can be mentioned about this app: The things we surround ourselves with certainly have the potential to affect our moods. Positive Thinking is an app that provides a massive collection of positive quotes to help you keep your mind on good things rather than worries and stress. You can add to the collection, store your favorites, and share the quotes on social media. Secret Of Happiness Another app that can be used for individual with Major Depressive Disorder is called Secret of Happiness. According to healthline.com, the following can be mentioned: Sometimes, our brains need help breaking out of a destructive cycle. The Secret of Happiness is designed to give you a regular schedule of positive thinking as a way to train your brain to think more on the bright side. No one would suggest the cure to depression is as simple as turning your frown upside down, but this app can help you get in the practice of thinking positively. We like that the app asks for a 30-day commitment – enough time to develop a new habit. Conclusion To end this specific article, this article has mentioned using apps specifically designed for individuals with Major Depressive Disorder that include but are not limited to Health Through Breath, Positive Thinking, in addition to Secret Of Happiness. In addition, Major Depressive Disorder, for any individual, does not have to be a debilitating disorder. Seek help from a doctor and regain your lifestyle. Apps For Depression: Part II By Lauren Walters ~ 1 min read Introduction In my previous article, I described three apps that can be used to help individuals with Major Depressive Disorder. In this particular article, I will expand upon this topic and include three more apps for individuals with Major Depressive Disorder. Depression CBT One specific form of therapy for individuals with Major Depressive Disorder is CBT, also known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Believe it or not there is an app for individuals with Major Depressive Disorder that focuses on CBT. It is called Depression CBT. According to healthline.com, the following can be noted about this app: Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one approach to managing depression and other mental health problems. This app helps you monitor your moods with an assessment test that tracks the severity of your depressed moods and provides several resources aimed at educating you about the flawed thought patterns that may be worsening your depression. There are also audio programs for relaxation and depression assistance. FitnessBuilder Another app that can be used for individuals with Major Depressive Disorder is called FitnessBuilder. According to healthline.com, the following can be noted: Exercise can ease the symptoms of depression, and FitnessBuilder is a great way to develop a regular exercise habit. The free version of this app features more than 400 workouts and a 16-week plan. Search by target area or goal to strengthen your legs, core, or build up endurance. There are photos and videos to help you learn and perform the moves safely, as well as tracking features to monitor your progress. Smiling Mind Another app that can be used for Major Depressive Disorder is called Smiling Mind. According to healthline.com, the following can be stated: Adults aren’t the only ones who struggle with depression, and the makers of Smiling Mind had all age groups in mind when developing this app. Designed to teach you the value of guided meditation, the app features several free meditation programs, classified according to the ages they’re appropriate for, with sessions appropriate for those younger than seven years old and into adulthood. We like the ability to track total minutes spent in meditation and earn achievements. Conclusion To end this article, three apps for Major Depressive Disorder have been mentioned. They include but are not limited to Depression CBT, FitnessBuilder, in addition to Smiling Mind. These three apps are practical tools that can be applied to individuals lives with Major Depressive Disorder for healing.
Anger Predicts More Time Before Depression April 15, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By LaRae LaBouff ~ 1 min read Anger Predicts More Time Before Depression Anger is a natural feeling. People have varying degrees of temperament, but everyone feels some sort of anger from mildly annoyed to enraged. However, there comes a point where frequent anger becomes a problem. Anger often leads to ruminating about perceived wrongs, which may only increase the level of anger felt. People with bipolar disorder may experience anger more than the general population. A new study shows that there may be a positive aspect of anger in bipolar disorder in that it may predict more time before the next depressive episode. Anger in bipolar disorder can be felt both in depression and in episodes with mixed features. Mania or hypomania with mixed features can come with high degrees of irritability, which increases levels of anger, hostility and aggression. In depressive episodes, people with bipolar disorder experience anger attacks at more than twice the rate as people with unipolar depression. A new study, led by Tommy H. Ng of Temple University and published in Behavior Therapy, looked at anger in people with bipolar spectrum disorders to see if anger levels could predict oncoming episodes. They looked at data from 120 young adults from the Longitudinal Investigation of Bipolar Spectrum Disorders which covered data from individuals over 3.5 years. The participants were surveyed on multiple occasions for levels of aggression, impulsivity, depression and mania. The researchers found that high levels of anger and aggression did not predict episodes of mania or hypomania, but did find that people who were experiencing high levels of aggression and anger had more days before their next episode of depression than those without high levels of anger and aggression. This may seem counter-intuitive. After all, irritability is a symptom of mania with mixed features, so it stands to reason that having this symptom could predict an oncoming episode. That is not what the researchers found. Instead, they found that symptoms of anger and aggression may protect against episodes of depression. The thought behind this finding is that anger and aggression prohibit behaviors like isolation, low energy and low motivation- all symptoms of bipolar depression. Protection against depressive episodes is not the only benefit of anger. In the short term, feeling anger has several benefits: Righteous anger promotes social engagement like fighting for equality. Anger can motivate people into action against long-term perceived wrongs. Expressing anger (without aggression) can promote communication in relationships. Levels of assertiveness increase with anger, which can promote action when a person would otherwise be too passive or shy. When anger is replaced by satisfaction, it can promote positive feelings, which can protect against depression. This is not to say that being angry all the time is positive. Frequent or prolonged anger does have long-term effects like increased anxiety, high blood pressure and headaches. You can follow me on Twitter @LaRaeRLaBouff or find me on Facebook. Image credit: anyone123
The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss April 2, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Julie Axelrod ~ 4 min read The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. The stages of grief and mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life. Many people do not experience the stages of grief in the order listed below, which is perfectly okay and normal. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are. All, keep in mind — all people grieve differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Others will experience their grief more internally, and may not cry. You should try and not judge how a person experiences their grief, as each person will experience it differently. 1. Denial & Isolation The first reaction to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain. 2. Anger As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry. Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it. The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them. Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time. 3. Bargaining The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control– If only we had sought medical attention sooner… If only we got a second opinion from another doctor… If only we had tried to be a better person toward them… Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality. 4. Depression Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug. 5. Acceptance Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression. Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us. Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
Your Emotions After Miscarriage March 27, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By DrEmmaBasch in psychcentral ~ 2 min read Your Emotions After Miscarriage Your Emotions After Miscarriage Now that we’ve discussed some of the facts about miscarriage and why it occurs, I wanted to devote some time to exploring common emotional reactions to miscarriage There is no one way you are supposed to feel (or not feel) following a miscarriage. I’ve seen women in my private practice express a range of emotions from numbness and disbelief, to despair, to anger, to those that experience their feelings somatically. Over the years of working with women who have lost pregnancies, I have been humbled to learn from their journeys of grief and loss. Below are reflections from my work with them that I hope will support those who are grieving and healing. There is no normal, there is no supposed to, there is no right way to feel. Grief is very personal in this way. Some women experience significant distress following a loss, while some are less affected. Some experience despair right away and some women come to me for help years after a miscarriage finding that some new experience such as a subsequent pregnancy or a new loss has triggered them. Grieving takes time. There is no roadmap for how long you “should” be grieving, and the feelings you experience may shift and change from day to day. This is expected and part of the process. How long you grieve for and what that grief feels like is not dependent on how far along you were in your pregnancy. Many women experience significant guilt. Sometimes this is experienced as blaming oneself for the loss. Some women feel guilt for grieving at all. Some women feel guilt for having moments during the day where they are happy or are not focused on their loss. Many women express a sense of anger or betrayal at their own bodies following a loss. I’ve had many clients describe feeling disconnected or dissociated from their bodies after a miscarriage. Some women find themselves going into a “solving” or “doing mode,” where they fixate on some specific task or responsibility that feels very separate from the loss. I’ve had some clients throw themselves into work and some who become obsessed with physical fitness. These are normal attempts to distract and distance from the pain of loss, and to try and gain a sense of control following an experience that has felt very out of control. Many women experience difficulties in their relationships with their spouse/partner following loss. Losing a pregnancy can be a very different experience for the mom then for the partner/spouse who did not share the physical connection to the pregnancy. The grief is often experienced and expressed differently. It is normal to be triggered in both expected and unexpected ways. Many women feel triggered seeing pregnant women or babies, or looking at baby items. Some get triggered going back to their doctor’s office. There are significant hormonal changes that occur after a pregnancy loss which can impact you physically and emotionally. You may feel distant from friends and family, especially if you had not disclosed your pregnancy. You may find that some people find it difficult to offer appropriate support due to their own discomfort and unease. You may find that those you care about say profoundly hurtful and unhelpful things in attempts to be helpful. While grief is a normal and expected process, some women find that they are unable to move through it, and that their grief morphs into intense feelings of depression and anxiety. This is especially true for those who have experienced multiple losses or who have a history of mental health concerns.
Married to Someone with Sex Addiction: Is Divorce the Only Option? March 17, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment January 10, 2011 • Contributed by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAS, Sex Addiction Topic Expert Contributor Married to Someone with Sex Addiction: Is Divorce the Only Option? Married to Someone with Sex Addiction: Is Divorce the Only Option? Has my entire marriage been a lie? Am I to blame? Is there any hope for my marriage? Is divorce my best option? These are just a few of the questions that will run through your mind after discovering a partner’s sexual betrayal and sex addiction. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions. You want to, first, encourage the betraying-spouse to take care of himself or herself while you seek support. Next, don’t make any permanent or rash decisions while the feelings are raw and fresh. Finally, realize that divorce does not have to be the answer, if both individuals in are willing to follow an intentional path toward healing the relationship. Let’s take a look at these intentional, choices that can make healing a reality, in a relationship overwhelmed by sexual addiction. Both partners are willing to do their own work: Though there may come a time down the road for each individual to go to counseling together, it is very important for each person to be committed to a plan that will help them individually. The betraying partner may not be in a place to consider working on the marriage. Rather than forcing that the issue, work your own plan to deal with the grieving, the pain, the anger, and the actual betrayal. Focus on who you are, first, before concerning yourself with your role in the relationship, and how it has/will change. At the same time, the partner that has done the betraying needs to have a very clear and specific plan for himself or herself, individually. If this step does not take place, it will prove to be very challenging. Each partner needs to be committed to their individual healing. Steps to stop the sexual addictive behaviors: Once a betrayed-spouse knows about the sexually addictive choices and behaviors his/her partner has engaged in, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay engaged in the relationship. Major steps to end the behavior(s) need to be taken. This does not make him/her the dictator, but it is fair for the betrayed-spouse to set boundaries which state that, in order to stay together, the addictive behavior(s) must stop. This can look different for each couple, from having check-in meetings, to creating an actual written agreement. Again, this goes back to the betraying-partner’s willingness to face their sexual addiction, take accountability, get counseling, and engage in an openness of sharing that will foster and rebuild trust. This will have a dual benefit to the relationship. The hurt partner will see an effort in their spouse to take care of him or herself and also begin to honor the relationship. The partner facing the battle with sexual addiction will finally get some freedom from the shame they have been living with, and begin to find a new approach to life. Be willing to give each other space and respect each other’s healing process and timeline: Too often, when the betraying-spouse unloads on their partner, they feel a sense of relief; A weight has been lifted from living in lies. At the same time, their partner is realizing a terrible truth about the marriage in a way he/she never dreamed would happen. Now is NOT the time to press an agenda, other than agreeing to each take steps toward healing, and respecting that each person will progress at their own pace. By working on an individual path, each partner will be focusing their energy on him/herself, while, at the same time, honoring the work the other is doing. Each partner will have time to adjust to the changes that are now taking place in his/her own life. Where divorce does not have to be discussed at this point, it will, more than likely, cross each partners’ mind. Before this decision is made, or things are said that will be difficult to overcome, take some time to work through each of these steps. Again, if there is going to be hope, and eventually healing, each partner will have to be committed to first focusing on themselves and then, when each is at a safe place and most likely with the guidance of a therapist, they can begin to take steps to restore their relationship. © Copyright 2011 by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT, therapist in Maitland, Florida. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
When Life Feels Out of Control, Focus on Yourself March 14, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Sharon Martin, LCSW ~ 3 min read Life has a way of surprising us – sometimes in wonderful ways and sometimes challenging us in ways we never could have imagined. Most of us like to feel in control. We like things to be predictable. We like it when we can plan something and make it happen. We like it when other people do what we want them to do. We like things to go our way. We like believing that we can prevent bad things from happening – to us and our loved ones. Feeling in control makes us feel safe. The problem with trying to control everything is twofold. First of all, it’s an illusion. We can’t control other people or situations. We fool ourselves into thinking we can control much more than we really can. And second, controlling everything is an awfully big responsibility. When we try to control people and situations, we’re essentially asserting that we know what’s right; that we know the right thing to do and right things to believe. Sooner or later, we all discover that much of life is out of our control. We each have a small sphere of control consisting mainly of our own thoughts and actions. In other words, there’s a lot that’s out of our control! Most of us know this is true, but it also scares the crap out of us. Accepting that so much is out of our control is hard. Life doesn’t always go as planned We’ve all had times when our lives have felt completely out of our control. We felt like bad things just kept happening and there was nothing we could do to stop them. Powerlessness is a hard feeling to navigate. I had this feeling recently. I felt like life was swirling all around me and I didn’t know how to solve my problems. I found myself obsessing about what everyone else was doing wrong and how things would be better if they’d change and do things my way! It felt like a hurricane had swept into my life, tossing around my peace and stability like a flimsy metal roof; sweeping up the calm and predictability that I love. It was then that I remembered, when your life feels like a hurricane, you have to be the eye of the storm. The eye of a hurricane is that eerily calm, center in the storm. The eye of the storm remains grounded and calm, despite the thrashing winds and soaking waves. You, too, can remain grounded and calm in the midst of a stormy life. They key to surviving a life that feels out of control, is to focus on what you can control. When you bring the focus back to yourself you can feel grounded and comforted. What do you do to comfort or calm yourself when life feels out of control? How do you center yourself, refocus, or get back on track? I asked my Facebook fans to weigh in and they offered some great suggestions. How do you cope when life feels out of control? Spend time alone to reflect and rest Meditate Spend time in nature (being truly present – alone, without headphones) Garden (water the plants, pull some weeds, or hack at some overgrown bushes) Go for a long walk Practice yoga Talk to a therapist Confide in good friends Write in a journal or make a list to help organize the chaos, set priorities, and gain perspective Listen to music Exercise (work up a sweat) Separate yourself from negative people Pray Clean the house (being able to control your physical space and give it a fresh, positive vibe) Swim or soak in the tub (many people mentioned the restorative benefits of water; it feels cleansing and makes you feel “light”) Focus on the present Color mandalas or an adult coloring book Burn sage Clear your calendar and excuse yourself from non-essential activities or commitments (tip: more of it’s non-essential than you think!) Get enough sleep Enjoy a cup of tea Recognize when you need extra TLC The other key component of weathering an emotional storm is being able to recognize early on when life feels out of control. It’s easy to miss or minimize the signs of stress. It’s only when we tune into ourselves that we can accurately measure how we’re coping. Noticing our feelings is helpful, but our bodies are also great measures of our emotional wellbeing. Signs that life feels out of control: Worrying Crying Trying to control people or situations Insomnia Feeling on edge Isolating Headaches Muscle tension Obsessing about the same thing over and over Avoiding Feeling overwhelmed Lack of energy or motivation Difficulty concentrating Eating too much or too little Gastrointestinal issues (stomachache, diarrhea, constipation or acid reflux) Irritability Anger You don’t have to have it all together There’s a lot of pressure these days to look like you’ve got it all together. Sometimes it’s hard to let down that fake smile and “I’m fine” mantra and admit that you’re not fine. I want to reassure you that it’s OK to be a hot mess sometimes. We all are. You just don’t want to pull up a chair and get comfortable. When you notice that you’re struggling and feeling out of control, focus on yourself. Prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Do things that bring you back to calm.
Teenage Rebellion & Parental Freak Outs March 4, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment Reported on ScienceDaily.com: “In a study, teens rarely talked to their parents about potentially risky online experiences. Parents and children often have much different perceptions of and reactions to the same online situations. Some of these situations may include cyberbullying, sexual exchanges and viewing inappropriate content online.” “When you asked why teens didn’t talk to their parents, a lot of times they mention risky situations, which they didn’t think were a big deal, but they add that if they told their parents, they would just freak out and make things worse.” (Pamela Wisniewski, the lead researcher of the study.) (Italics are mine.) The Parental Freak Out In America at least, teens have been fearing parental freak outs since teenage-hood first became a recognized phenomenon. It seems to have begun in the 20th century, with a real recognition in the 1950s, the Rebel-Without-A-Cause-era. Previously, entertainment, parties, music and so on, though often geared towards “the young,” were not necessarily exclusively focused on adolescents. Families spent more time together in those days. Multi-generational parties were common. Then movies, television, and finally the internet came along, contributing to an increase in social and physical isolation from other family members. Do Teenagers Exist? There is an ongoing debate about whether or not teenagerhood is a cultural phenomenon or whether it is a description of a transformation that occurs mentally and emotionally during adolescence. (Some cultures don’t experience adolescence in the same, intense way we do in America, except primarily for the obvious physical changes.) Whatever the cause of teenagerhood, the parental freak out doesn’t help bridge the parent-teenager divide and may be making it wider. Another Step On Life’s Journey Building an open and honest relationship takes time, effort, and, I believe, a commitment to staying as positive as possible. Double, for parent-child relationships. Learning parenting strategies before having children, or at least when they are little – not when your children are teenagers – is the truly effective option. Adolescence in America is often assumed to be a time of rebellion, difficulties with parents, and negative, even risky behavior. While it is true that adolescence is a time children develop more autonomy, in truth, all of childhood is about developing a separate self from parents. Adolescence appears to be an acceleration of this development. Perhaps it seems so because the changes can be startling. Also, teens begin to form stronger relationship with peers, as they sort out who they want to “hang out with,” which is code for, “who I want to be.” It can be helpful to view childhood, adolescence, and adulthood as points along a spectrum, rather than semi-pathologizing the admittedly often bewildering behaviors of teenagers. Don’t Freak Out, Get Help If you’re the parent of young children, start getting parenting guidance now. If you have strong and healthy parental role models, ask them for their advice. Remember, they’ve been through the ups and downs of parenting. If you’re clashing with your adolescent child, get parenting help now, too. Even belated changes to your communication style can make a difference. If your teenager is engaging in risky behaviors online, in person, or on their phones, do not freak out. Again, get help now. If possible, get advice and even direct involvement from clergy, therapists, and wise, loving and supportive family members. Do what you can to express your concern and love to your child in as positive a fashion as possible. Tell kid of any age how much you love them, how your job as a parent is (in part) to help them learn how to be safe, and how to take care of themselves. It’s not an unhealthy guilt trip to let them know how devastated you would be if they were harmed in any way. Judicious use of sincere discussions will do a lot more than rehashing old scenes involving yelling and screaming. (The key is judicious, too much, and it’s get stale, fast.) Try ending every conversation with a loving statement–a genuine loving statement. After all, that’s really why you’re tempted to freak out in the first place.
The 3 Most Dangerous Things to Say in a Relationship February 11, 2017 by April Brown Leave a Comment By Harriet Pappenheim, LCSW ~ 2 min read The 3 Most Dangerous Things to Say in a Relationship Almost every relationship article mentions the Big C: Communication. But what if your words are doing more harm than good? Language is a powerful force, and what you say to your partner on impulse could be doing a great deal of damage. Here are the top three most dangerous phrases to let slip from your lips. 1. “You Always… You Never…” The classic communication killer. Nothing is more guaranteed to aggravate your partner than to hear this kind of sweeping generalization. The problem with “You always…” “You never…” is that it’s so easy to let slip in the heat of the moment, and what your partner hears is, “You’re useless. You always disappoint me.” Even if it’s over something as trivial as doing the dishes. You may be frustrated, and simply wanting to make a point, but what the other person hears is an attack on his or her very character. That hurts. Lines of communication clamp shut with a vengeance. Your partner will automatically become defensive and is unlikely to really hear another word you utter. Hyperbolic criticism like this only serves to push your loved one away and won’t get you any closer to having your needs met. What to say instead: “I feel ‘x’ when you do/don’t do ‘x’… How can we sort this out?” “I really appreciate it when you do ‘x’.” As you see, starting with “I” rather than “You” is often a good start! Beginning with “I” turns your words from a blanket accusation into an invitation to talk, and to come to a resolution. 2. “I don’t care.” This is a no-brainer. Your relationship is based on caring, so why sabotage it with this thoughtless phrase? To say “I don’t care” in any context — I don’t care what we have for dinner, I don’t care that the kids are fighting, I don’t care where we go later — automatically implies a lack of emotional investment in the other person, and in your shared life. The most important predictor of a long-lasting relationship, according to John Gottman, is quite simply whether or not couples regularly perform simple acts of kindness, such as showing interest when the what each other has to say. If your partner makes a bid for your attention and you react with “I don’t care” (either spoken or implied) — it’s going to inflict damage. What to say instead: Pretty much anything, as long as it conveys interest and involvement in whatever your partner wants to share with you! 3. “Never mind… it doesn’t matter.” Of course, there will be times when you genuinely mean this. But too often we use these words in a dismissive sense, eg. “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself,” or “No point talking about it!” Both phrases in this sense imply that you are rejecting your partner’s input, deliberately shutting her or him out. It can also be passive aggressive — trying to make an implied point about your partner’s behavior, or attitude, rather than having a frank and upfront conversation. What to say instead: “I would really love to get your input on ‘x’…” “I’m in a tight spot here, please can you help me out?” Don’t forget to say “thank you!” Such a small thing, but those two words make all the difference. Unsurprisingly, couples who thank each other regularly feel more supported and appreciated, helping them to get through periods of tension when they do arise. No doubt, we all have times when our partners frustrate and annoy us. Expressing that frustration might just seem like speaking your mind, or being honest. But often, it’s just not constructive. Ask yourself, “Is this a real issue or just a passing annoyance?” If the answer is the former, try to use neutral, constructive language that focuses on actions rather than character, and avoids placing blame. That doesn’t mean you should watch every word you say, all the time. But more sensitivity around hurtful phrases goes a long way. And making the effort to reinforce your love with positive phrases — “Thank you,” “I love you” — is worth it a hundredfold.