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How would you know that a person is “toxic?”

Would you know that a person is toxic right away?

The word toxic is a very common word in today’s society. It’s even more popular online where you can find millions of articles on relationships and ways to survive in them.

Sadly, despite frequent searches online about this topic, it’s easy to struggle to identify the behaviors of a toxic person until it is way too late.

This article will provide some suggestions on how to deal with these kinds of personalities. 

A toxic person is someone who “infects” (like a disease) your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behaviors in ways that are not good. They may be envious of you, they may try to limit or undermine you, or they may simply ignore any kind of progress you make.

A toxic person can be anyone you come across in daily life, live with, work with, or see from time to time. The sad part about most toxic people is that they don’t always see themselves or their own toxicity. As a result, when you walk away they end up shocked, and sometimes confused.

In last week’s article, we discussed unhealthy boundaries as being indicative of someone with toxic personality traits. Unhealthy boundaries are often very common in those exhibiting toxic behaviors. I talk a bit more about these kinds of individuals in the video below:

Toxic characteristics may include but are not limited to:

• jealousy or envy
• control and manipulation
• fear and anxiety
• “flip-floppy” emotions and behaviors
• avoidance and denial
• physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional abuse
• triangulation (typically includes more than two people and is used to confuse all individuals involved)

Sadly, many of us can become victims of a toxic relationship. We have to know when to say “enough” and move on. It is certainly easier said than done, which is why I often suggest exploring your values, turning to your faith or “anchor,” relying on people who truly know you and you trust, and/or seeking therapy to get another perspective.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is manage the behavior. Some ways to manage a toxic relationship include:

1. Observing MO (Modus Operandi): Take time to examine how toxic people operate and question their motives. Not everyone is out to get you, use you, or manipulate you. But some are. Examine how these people assert themselves toward you, how you feel when they are around you, and question what they could possibly want from you. It’s a sad way to exist but some people only like you because you can offer them something.
2. Planing for the attack: Toxic people are not just a pain. They can be dangerous. By dangerous I mean manipulative, controlling, abusive, and demeaning. Some toxic people have a history of stealing, lying, cheating, conning, using charm to succeed, or using others. Once you identify the person’s tactics, thinking, and inappropriate behaviors, figure out how you should react, cope, or say goodbye.
3. Re-routing your expectations and goals: Toxic people literally “pull” you into a relationship of some kind with them. They may want to become your spouse, your best friend, or your work partner. You have to be able to determine (based on what you know about them and how you feel in their company) if you need to re-route your goals and expectations. You would not want to set up long-term goals or expect great things from someone who simply wants to use you. If the person truly cares or likes and respects you, you’ll know. If not, you’ll know that too.
4. Avoiding mental filtering: Mental filtering is what mental health professionals call cognitive distortions or thinking errors. It is a “skewed” way that we see reality based on emotion, incorrect ways we think about things, or skewed perceptions. Mental filtering is ignoring other aspects of something and picking out only one detail. If you find yourself picking out the positive aspects of the person and ignoring ALL of the bad, stop. It’s not going to help you. It’s hard but worth it.
5. Considering your mental and emotional health: If the person is making you feel depressed, self-conscious, “stupid,” or any other negative emotion, move on. Some people, despite how kind you are, have an arrogant and detached demeanor that can offend others and make them feel less valued.
6. Considering those you love and their needs: If the toxic person does not seem to mix well with those you love or makes those you love feel negative vibes, you may want to question why. Sometimes those closest to us can pick up on problems much faster than we can.
7. Seeking therapy: Some toxic people, especially if they have been in your life for a long time, can ruin almost everything. Some people come to therapy for the simple purpose of “taking back” their lives after freeing themselves from a toxic spouse, parent, work partner, or friend. If you feel your relationship with the toxic person is heavily weighing on you, you might benefit from therapy to help you sort out what to do.
8. Giving up the “yo-yo” pattern: Toxic people are often problematic people with behavioral and mental health problems. A toxic person may be so unhealthy that you begin to feel threatened or confused. When this happens, make plans to say goodbye, escape, or move on. A “yo-yo” pattern can include the person making you feel loved one moment and undermined the next, respected for a few weeks and disrespected during other weeks, praised one moment and demeaned the next. It’s not you, it’s them.
9. Being determined to get out/move on: An unhealthy relationship of any kind is dangerous to your self-esteem. Unhealthy relationships often have no clear boundaries, little-to-no respect, no positive goals or aspirations, immature patterns of communication, and little-to-no positive characteristics. Getting out or moving on can be so very difficult. You might even begin to miss the person once they are gone. But you will have to figure out how to explore and work through this if the relationship is not worth the frustration you must tolerate.
10. Understanding it is more than love / attachment / habit / dedication: Toxic relationships can feel like a “power” over you and that “power” does not always have to be love, attachment, or loyalty. Some people relate to this “power” as control, abuse, or manipulation. In other cases, some people refer to this power as a “spirit,” “sin,” or “evil power” that makes it hard to move on. So many of my former clients claim they were “held hostage” in their abusive relationships.

What has been your experience with “toxic people”?  As always, looking forward to your insights.

All the best

Everyone wants to look and feel as healthy as possible and most people have at least some understanding that what they consume has a lot to do with overall health. While it’s not possible to turn back the clock or stop aging, it is possible to improve your physical and mental health and well-being by eating the right foods. Here are some great ones and their benefits to help get you started.

Almonds

A study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association points out potential health benefits of eating almonds, including lowering cholesterol levels, and they increase vitamin E levels in red blood cells and plasma. Other research found that almonds significantly increase the number of antioxidants in the blood stream, improve blood flow and reduce blood pressure, thus reducing the risk of heart disease. A study published in the Journal of the American Heart Association suggests that daily almond consumption, in place of another high-carbohydrate snack, can help prevent cardiovascular disease and reduce dangerous abdominal fat.

Apricots

Small, tasty and nutritious, apricots are bursting with beta-carotene, found by Ulm University researchers in Germany to be linked to lowered Alzheimer’s disease rates. Apricots are chock full of vitamin C, say researchers, which not only provides an immune system boost, it also decreases depression risk.

Asparagus

Filling and low-calorie, asparagus packs several health benefits into each spear.  For example, asparagus is a useful source of prebiotic dietary fiber inulin, which is known to improve gut bacteria levels, boost the immune system and assist in weight loss. High fiber intake is also linked to less cardiovascular disease.

Blueberries

The anthocyanins in blueberries are potent health promoters, linked to prevention of heart disease, certain types of cancer, reduced diabetes risk, and cognitive function disorders. Research into other protective properties of berries shows at least potential improvements in vision and memory.

Broccoli

Mothers used to urge their children to eat the “green trees” on their plate, and broccoli consumption has much going for it in the healthy eating arena. The vegetable is loaded with chromium, crucial for synthesizing serotonin, norepinephrine and melatonin – all associated with improved mood. In addition, broccoli is a rich source of immune system boosts vitamins A and C, and iron, which helps mitigate metabolic changes of iron-deficiency anemia.

Butternut Squash

Beta-carotene in butternut squash helps fight against later life cognitive issues. The gourd vegetable is also believed to prevent damage from ultra-violet rays.  Elevated levels of potassium in butternut squash offer heart-healthy benefits by lowering blood pressure, while fiber improves digestion and lowers risk of inflammation in the colon. A pilot study using protein-source tryptophan in butternut squash found significant improvement in participants with social anxiety disorder.

Cashews

A versatile and healthy food, cashews are packed with vitamins and nutrients that may help in the prevention of cancer, maintaining weight, and improving heart performance. Rich in dietary magnesium, cashews also help improve mood and reduce depression. Cashews may help reduce and reverse the health risks associated with the condition in those with type 2 diabetes, according to another study.

Cinnamon

A tasty spice to add zest to many dishes, cinnamon has major health benefits as well. It helps reduce inflammation and pain and combat spikes in insulin. Published in PLoS One, a study reported that cinnamon can be instrumental in fending off later life cognitive ailments.

Coffee

For those who just must have their morning cup of coffee (and maybe several more through the day), there’s good news on the health front. Research found that the caffeine in coffee can decrease depression risk, reverse the incidence of type 2 diabetes mellitus, improve vigilance, mental alertness and attention.

Eggs

Who doesn’t love eggs? Besides being incredibly versatile, eggs – especially in breakfast, help enhance weight loss in obese and overweight people, when combined with a reduced-calorie weight loss diet. Among their other health benefits, the yolks in eggs contain lutein and zeaxanthin, nutrients that help improve vision. Lutein also helps maintain mental acuity.

Lamb

Low-fat lamb is packed with protein, which is important for maintaining muscle mass. Furthermore, lamb is an excellent source of zinc and iron and amino acids, contains trace amounts of selenium, copper and manganese. Iron helps in the formation of red blood cells, while zinc helps promote healing, a healthy immune system, and is essential for growth. Half the fat in lamb is unsaturated, most of it monounsaturated fat, typically heralded in Mediterranean-type diets.

Mozzarella Cheese

Did you know that mozzarella cheese contains more tryptophan, an amino acid, than turkey? The benefit of tryptophan to your health is that it’s linked to brain function and production of serotonin, both of which are helpful for boosting mood and improving cognition.

Mushrooms

A delicious accompaniment to steaks, salads, stews, soups and plain, mushrooms are a useful source of vitamin D, important in reducing depression rates. Researchers at the University of Milan found that mushrooms’ vitamin D helped overweight and obese individuals to reduce weight, especially as they upped their mushroom intake. Mushrooms have also been found to inhibit the growth of cancer cells, aid heart health and immunity, and provide benefits to those with type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Peanuts

A study published online in JAMA Internal Medicine says that peanuts (a legume, not a nut) reduce the risk of mortality from cardiovascular disease. They’re rich in nutrients, including fiber, unsaturated fatty acids, phenolic antioxidants, vitamins, arginine and other phytochemicals. Plus, they’re an affordable way to boost cardiovascular health. Other research suggests the lutein in peanuts helps skin retain its elasticity.

Pineapple

Don’t let the prickly outside of pineapples deter you from cutting into the delicious and nutritious fruit. Pineapple contains vitamin C to boost the immune system, and bromelain, an anti-inflammatory enzyme.

Pomegranates

Picking out the deep-red sacs of arils and seeds of the pomegranate may take some time, but the results are more than just tasty. With three different polyphenols, potent antioxidants, pomegranates are thought to reduce heart disease risk, improve blood flow. Urolithin A in pomegranates may increase longevity while also fighting cellular aging. Pomegranates also contain vitamin C, good for decreasing stress levels.

Raspberries

Deliciously sweet and high in fiber and resveratrol, while being low in the glycemic index, raspberries are a great food choice to satisfy sweet cravings without causing a major spike in blood sugar or fat storage. Harvard Medical School research links the resveratrol in raspberries to reductions in cellular aging. The fruit is also packed with anthocyanins, an antioxidant pigment found to reduce the risk of dementia.

Red Grapes

Another low-calorie, tasty food choice with health benefits, red grapes contain resveratrol, helpful for mental acuity, vision improvement, and linked to belly fat reduction. University of Missouri researchers have found that the resveratrol in red grapes may help counteract the effects of meth use by diminishing the amount of dopamine the drug releases, as well as lower levels of hyperactivity, a common symptom in users.

Romaine Lettuce

Vitamins C and B6 in romaine lettuce are believed to aid eyesight, skin, and fight inflammation.

Salmon

Rich in omega-3 fatty acids, this cold-water fish boasts properties that help reduce inflammation, lower heart disease risk, and help in the prevention of certain neurological issues associated with aging. Salmon’s omega-3 fatty acids are particularly important for pregnant women and their unborn child. An added benefit, discovered by Purdue researchers, is that the omega-3s in salmon can increase collagen. Want a more youthful glow? Eat plenty of salmon.

Sesame Seeds

Many people don’t realize that sesame seeds are a reliable source of non-dairy calcium, which is good for strong bones and teeth. Sesame seeds also help promote weight loss.

Spinach

Whether you layer cooked spinach as a bed for chicken Parmesan, fold it into an egg omelet or smoothie ingredient, or add it in a salad, this green vegetable provides health benefits that include a high percent less likelihood to consume unhealthy foods, and a potential for increased weight loss. Also, beneficial in spinach are the lutein, zeaxanthin, fiber, and vitamins A and K it contains.

Steak

Everyone requires sufficient protein to maintain optimum health. One excellent source is steak, particularly lean grass-fed beef which is high in iron and zinc and lower in overall fat content. Alpha lipoic acid in steak reduces inflammation, improves circulation, and slows cellular aging.

Tomatoes

Beta-carotene in tomatoes helps fight dementia, protect against aging skin and inflammation. Lycopene in tomatoes helps boost brain power. Besides, tomatoes have few calories and are versatile enough to be used in many kinds of recipes.

Tuna

Once again, it’s the omega-3 fatty acids in fish, in this case, tuna, that fight against inflammation and reduce heart disease risk. Researchers at Purdue University said that tuna promotes the production of collagen for soft, smooth skin.

Turmeric

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that the chemicals in foods such as apples, turmeric, and green tea may offer protection against cancer by minimizing inflammation, one of the risk factors for cancer. The spice is also being studied for its potential beneficial effects on inflammatory bowel disease, Alzheimer’s disease, peptic ulcers, arthritis, prostate cancer and other conditions.

The real devastation and triumph of Hurricane Irma lies in the personal stories of loss and survival. While the extent of the catastrophic property damage in the State of Florida is just now coming to light, the people of Florida have rallied around each other in simple acts of kindness.

Since this was the largest evaluation in the United States history, many Floridians down south headed for northern or central parts of the state unaware that the storm would soon follow them. Due to the unpredictable nature of this hurricane, both coasts were under mandatory evacuation orders. Family members and friends living in safer areas of the state took in their coastal neighbors. Some people carpooled to conserve on gas and keep one less car on the two north bound clogged interstate highways.

Once the rain and winds died down and residents began to survey the damage, the realization hit that nearly 70% of Floridians were out of power. Some residents lost their homes, boats, roofs, trees, farms, and water. Our downtown Orlando neighborhood which is known for the 200+ year old oak trees that line the streets, had several huge trees fall (roots and all). But the neighbors gathered around and in a few days, the road ways were cleared making it easier for the power to be restored.

The adrenaline that pumped through bodies prior to the storm had plenty of time to reboot as the massive storm lasted for several days over the entire state. But now the attempt at normalization begins for some workers while schools remain closed for a few extra days or indefinitely depending on the damage. Not only is the recovery physical, but the mental and emotional aspects of the storm need to be addressed as well. Here are some tips:

• Write it down. Florida has a population of approximately 19 million residents and each has a unique story to share. For some the storm did only minor damage while others lost everything including someone they love. The act of putting it down on paper helps to focus on accurate memory while reminding a person that they did live through one of the most devastating storms.
• Talk to neighbors. This is a time to reach out to neighbors to make sure that they are OK. Many Floridians are elderly so this is especially important because phone service, power, and water have not been restored in all areas. Shared common experiences are far better than trying to handle this alone. Take time to talk to neighbors and form a bond.
• Be cautious. Already, there are several news stories of unnecessary electrocutions, carbon monoxide poisonings, injuries from power tools, and many car accidents. Even though the work seems overwhelming, go slowly and carefully. Take time to do even the simplest of tasks with full awareness of the environment. Avoid all standing water and downed power lines.
• Stay present. There is a temptation to relive the past preparations and worry about the future. This can drain precious energy needed for the present day. Instead, make an effort to accomplish only what can be done today and not be anxious about tomorrow. Tomorrow’s worries will be enough for that day.
• Listen to others. One of the best gifts to offer others is that of listening. Listen to the stories, fears, hopes, and sorrows. Those tempted to give advice during this time are doing a disservice to others, most people just want and need to be heard. If they want advice, they will ask for it. For those seeking advice, please DO NOT look for it from a person who has never gone through a hurricane. This is the equivalent of getting parenting advice from a person who has never parented.
• Begin to grieve. The grieving process for any loss of a person, property, or community is the same. It is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The duration varies depending on the significance of the loss. For instance, grief over a minor piece of property can take a few weeks, while grieving a community can take years. Expect to ping-pong from one stage to the next in a random order.
• Release emotions. One of the best ways to release emotional stress is to cry. Crying releases sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, and stress. Physical activity is another good method to let off some stem. This is not the time to unleash onto family members, the power company, or others trying to help. This only generates hostility and increases isolation.
• Do normal activities. As soon as possible, try to reengage in normal routines and activities. Even if the only possibility is a morning shower, it is better to start with something that is even slightly familiar. Try to stick to regular bedtimes and wake times. This allows the body to reset and feel healthy. Eating normal foods and drinks can also help during this time. The last thing a nervous stomach needs is strange foods.

The most important thing a person can do now is to give thanks for what they do have instead of what they have lost. While the loss might be catastrophic, it is helpful to discover even the little things that a person can give gratitude for experiencing. Lastly, please stay safe.

Men and Depression

As a man, I can tell you that talking about the topic of depression with other guys makes you about as popular as a porcupine in a balloon factory.

But here’s the thing – nearly 10% of men in the United States struggle with this mental health issue (CDC, 2015). And it’s safe to say those numbers are likely much higher.

The reason? Most guys would rather admit to anything other than what they feel. For many of us, it’s just not part of our DNA.

I’m not saying this is true for all males. But in my experience as a counselor specializing in men’s issues, this trait applies to many men.

What follows are 10 things men do that make their depression worse. It goes without saying that many of these actions apply to all genders. I’m listing the biggies, however, for the guys.

Read them all in order to absorb their deeper meaning. Avoid the temptation of judging yourself as part of this exercise.

Check it out.

1. Denial

When you pretend depression isn’t part of your reality, you engage in a cognitive distortion called denial. This one is often manifested through the self-narrative: I can handle this on my own.

Here’s the full-on truth guys: most of us can’t.

Men who struggle with self-esteem or body image issues need to be particularly mindful of this point.

2. Drinking Alcohol

Pounding down a few may offer a temporary escape from your feelings but in the final analysis, alcohol can actually worsen your mood.

Over the course of time, reliance upon alcohol to lift your spirits can cause a dependency. Some folks call this addiction.

3. Relying on Weed

Recreational use of marijuana happens. We all have our vices. But if you are regularly using weed to boost your depressed mood, know that the benefits are temporary.

Here’s the truth: If you smoke too much pot, it can paradoxically exacerbate depression during withdrawal. For a lot of guys, this triggers a never-ending cycle of firing up when coming down.

4. Thinking “Strong Men” Don’t Get Depressed

If I had a dime for every time I was told by a male client, “Strong men don’t get depressed,” I’d be rich.

Here’s the thing – we do.

Moreover, we’re masters at hiding it! That said, depression isn’t confined to gender. It also has zero to do with strength. Just because you get depressed doesn’t make you less masculine.

5. Thinking meds alone are enough

A lot of guys think that just taking an anti-depressant is all they need for treatment. While medications certainly help, they often aren’t enough.

The most effective approach includes a combination of talk therapy (with a CBT slant), physical activity, and yes – the meds.

6. Thought Stopping

Some men think that depression is caused purely by depressive thoughts. As such, they fall victim to thought stopping. That’s a $10 term from yesteryear whereby a person tries to purge disturbing thoughts from the mind.

I’m here to tell you – it doesn’t work. In fact, it can make you feel worse.

The healthier approach is to simply acknowledge the presence of intrusive thoughts and let them pass. The more energy you put into trying to block them, the stronger they become.

7. Analysis

I’m not knocking this kind of therapy. There can be benefits derived from exploring the past. Assessing childhood hurts can be cathartic.

That said, the scientific literature strongly points to cognitive behavior therapy [CBT] as the optimum form of counseling. Personally, I am a fan of ACT; a “third wave” CBT therapy.

8. Subscribing to Learned Helplessness

If there’s a part of you that believes there’s nothing you can do about your depression because “that’s just the way it is,” you are engaging in learned helplessness.

People with this mindset believe they are victims of their circumstances. In turn, they use it as a permission slip for inaction. Ask yourself: Am I a victim?

9. Isolating and Shutting Down

One of the major ways men cope with their depression is by isolating. The thinking goes like this: If nobody sees me, they won’t know how miserable I feel.

Let me assure you that the worst thing you can do is isolate. I know it’s super hard to be around people when you are down. Obviously, you shouldn’t force it. That said, if you isolate too much, you run the risk of sinking into a very dark place.

This is how depression wins and why some guys never recover.

10. Blaming

A major way men make their depression worse is by blaming others. Examples include lashing out at a spouse or child as the reason for feeling blue. As a result, important support systems erode.

With depression, you need to know nobody is to blame. This includes you.

While there can be situational causes for a disparate mood, most clinical cases contain organic and/or hereditary origins.

Bonus: Distorting Reality

Anytime you minimize, distort, or pretend that your feelings aren’t as intense as they seem, you are engaging in magical thinking. And you know what else? It can make you feel worse.

When you have time, I encourage you to review the different types of cognitive distortions and how they can adversely impact your mood.

Summing Things Up

Depression doesn’t work like a lightswitch that can be turned on and off at will. If only it were true!

What is possible is to rethink the relationship with your feelings and create a realistic strategy for wellness. With time, self-compassion, and patience, you can do a lot to ameliorate your symptoms and feel better.

To my mind, real men face their depression head on. That includes you.

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If you want to learn more about depression, please consider reading this article (link). If you are concerned that you may hurt yourself, please call 800-273-TALK, or one of these numbers here for international readers (choose your country from the drop-down list).

 

References

CDC. (2015). Racial and Ethnic Disparities in. Washington, DC: United States Department of Health and Human Services .

Photo Credit: Pixabay

One of the cornerstones of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is to help individuals identify their negative and irrational ways of thinking.  Cognitive Errors, also known as Cognitive Distortions, are unhealthy thinking habits that lead to most common mental health problems, including anxiety, depression and other mood  disorders.  The concept of Cognitive Distortions is integral to a popular CBT technique that my clients have always found very helpful, called the Triple Column Technique. This is a technique developed by CBT psychologist and bestselling author David Burns.

To use this CBT technique, fold a paper width-wise into three columns. In the first column, Burns has us write our negative thoughts, such as, “I will never get my life together.”  In the second column is the type of thinking error (see below), which in this case would be all-or-nothing thinking and fortunetelling. In the third column is the more rational alternative thought which is based on fact and not distortion, which would be, “I have challenges in getting my life to fall into place, but I will keep working at it until things get better.”

Why is the second column – identifying the cognitive errors – so important to getting rid of toxic ways of thinking? By recognizing problematic thinking patterns, it is easier for us to identify why our thoughts are irrational. Only by recognizing the type of distortion can we master our thoughts to master our moods. When we detect patterns in our irrational thinking, we are more likely to “catch ourselves” thinking in erroneous ways.

The following are some common types of Cognitive Errors. I ask my clients to circle the ones that underlie their mood and anxiety difficulties. Giving my clients the tools to help themselves identify the type of distortion has been invaluable for them to gain a healthier perspective so they no longer pay as much uncritical attention to their inner critic.

The following are a sampling of common cognitive distortions with examples:

• All or Nothing Thinking –“He hates me!”

• Blaming – “It’s his fault I am so mad!”

• Discounting the Positive  – “I have nothing that works out in my life.” 

• Emotional Reasoning –“I feel anxious; I know something bad will happen to me.” 

• Fallacy of Fairness  – “It’s not fair!  She has no right to say that to me”

• Jumping to Conclusions  – “I bet he’s thinks I am stupid after that.”

• Labeling  – “He’s just lazy.” 

• Magnification  – “It’s TERRIBLE that she is mad at me.”

• Minimization  –  “It’s no big deal”

• Fortunetelling   – “I’ll never find someone to love – I’ll always be alone.” 

• Mental Filter  – “My nose is too big and makes me look unattractive.”

• Mind Reading – She’s trying to make me look stupid in our weekly meetings.” 

• Overgeneralizing  – “Men can’t be trusted.”

• Personalization   “It’s my fault she had an accident, since we had a fight before she left.”

• Comparisons with others  “He’s so much smarter than me.” 

• Shoulds – “You shouldn’t feel that way.” 

The worksheet on this link will help you identify cognitive distortions.

Notice how many cognitive distortions underlie this one sentence!  

We tend to have pet cognitive errors that defy logic and cause us to think negatively and feel badly.  Which ones do you favor? By using this triple column technique with the help of this handout, you are well on your way of changing your thoughts to change your life!