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Guilt and the World Series

Another World Series has come and gone. This year having the Los Angeles Dodgers beating the New York Yankees in five games. Two powerhouses of the sport with some of the sport’s biggest stars facing off on one of the world’s biggest stages. What I wish to discuss here is not what happened during the series but what happens for the players after the game.

These coaches and players have prepared all year for this opportunity and they fell short. Many players are feeling the guilt of failing to make certain plays or even failing to perform. Now the question lies, what do these players do now? How do they choose to move forward and turn that experience into a learning experience?

For each of the Yankees players this process will look different. Every person has their own unique way of dealing with guilt and shame. Here are some different things that you can try if you find yourself dealing with guilt and shame. First acknowledge your feelings. It can be quite difficult to deal with something that you can not define or say what it is. So take a moment to look inwards and try to describe what you are feeling. Once you have done this you may find it easier to figure out where to go next. For many of these players they will use these feelings of guilt and shame as motivation to get better. You can do the same. Use these feelings as motivation to learn from this mistake and to challenge yourself to rise above that.

Even after all that you still find it difficult to move past these feelings then I recommend you seek professional help. A licensed Therapist can definitely help you work through these feelings and even help you dig a little deeper. The therapist can help you challenge those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck and help you find a way to move forward. So if you are currently feeling guilt or shame just know that you are not alone and that there is help out there waiting for you to come and get it.

Written by Nicholas Pujol, Mental Health Graduate Student

Healing Minds: Exploring the Power of EMDR Therapy

 

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a psychotherapy approach that is primarily used to help individuals process and resolve traumatic experiences. It was developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s and has since gained recognition as an effective treatment for trauma-related disorders, particularly post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Here are the key elements and principles of EMDR therapy:

1. Bilateral Stimulation:

One of the distinctive features of EMDR therapy is the use of bilateral stimulation, which can involve either side-to-side eye movements, taps or tones (using handheld devices), or other forms of alternating sensory input (such as hand tapping or auditory tones). This bilateral stimulation is believed to mimic the rapid eye movement (REM) sleep phase, during which emotional processing occurs naturally.

2. Eight Phases:

EMDR therapy is structured into eight distinct phases:

– History Taking: Gathering information about the client's history and identifying targets for treatment.

– Educating the client about EMDR therapy and developing coping skills to manage distress.

– Assessment: Identifying specific memories or experiences to target during EMDR sessions.

– Desensitization: Using bilateral stimulation to process traumatic memories and associated negative emotions.

– Installation: Strengthening positive beliefs and adaptive coping mechanisms.

– Body Scan: Assessing for any residual physical tension related to the targeted memory.

– Closure: Ensuring the client feels stable and grounded at the end of each session.

– Reevaluation: Reviewing progress and identifying any additional targets for future sessions.

3. Adaptive Information Processing Model:

EMDR therapy is based on the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model, which posits that many psychological problems are due to unprocessed memories that are stored in a maladaptive way. EMDR aims to facilitate the brain’s natural ability to process and integrate these memories, resulting in reduced emotional distress and improved cognitive functioning.

4. EMDR therapy is primarily used to treat PTSD and trauma-related disorders, but it has also been adapted for use with other conditions such as anxiety, depression, phobias, and more. It is considered an evidence-based practice and is endorsed by organizations such as the American Psychiatric Association (APA) and the World Health Organization (WHO) for the treatment of PTSD.

Overall, EMDR therapy is designed to help individuals reprocess traumatic memories and associated negative beliefs, allowing them to move towards a state of psychological healing and adaptive functioning. It is typically conducted by trained therapists who have completed specific EMDR training programs.

Written by Jennifer Freel, Registered Mental Health Intern IMH26129

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*Coming soon, Jennifer Freel will be offering EMDR Therapy to further support her clients’ healing journeys.

3 Habits Impacting Your Mental Health

Oftentimes, when we think about what could harm our mental health, our minds go to major life events—the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the death of a loved one. But small habits that often go unnoticed can also play a major role. Below are three common habits that could be negatively affecting your mental health:

1. Not Getting Enough Sleep
Sleep impacts your mental health in numerous ways—it can affect your cognitive skills, mood, and behavior. As such, failing to get enough sleep can increase your risk of anxiety and depression and make it more difficult for you to focus, solve problems, make decisions, remember things, and control your emotions and impulses. Try sticking to the same sleep schedule, keeping your bedroom cool and dark, and performing a relaxing activity before bed (e.g., taking a warm bath or reading).

2. Being Inactive
In today’s busy world, it can be difficult to find time to exercise, but it’s important to stay active. Not only can exercise improve your physical health, but it can also boost your mental health. In fact, studies have shown that regularly exercising could reduce your risk of depression.

3. Scrolling Through Social Media
Social media can be beneficial—it can help you stay connected to long-distance family and friends and keep up with current events—but research suggests that spending too much time on it can lead to anxiety and depression. To reduce your screen time, try setting a timer, turning off notifications, or deleting apps from your phone.

Start Improving Your Mental Health
In addition to breaking the negative habits described above, one of the best things you can do to boost your mental health is speak to a therapist. Fortunately, you can entrust your care to the skilled team at our practice. Once we’ve learned more about you and any issues you may be experiencing, we’ll be able to provide you with customized advice for how to eliminate negative habits from your life and start implementing more positive ones. Contact us today to schedule your first appointment.

Written by Sherline Herard, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

My PhD Journey

Recently I embarked on a new journey in my PhD program. My qualitative course is one of the first three and the most challenging. This course has led to a lot of soul searching on the best way to present my research question. I decided that it may be best if I research a specific
group. I have chosen to narrow my research down to black married men. My question is currently still under construction. I want it to be a meaningful statement that articulates how the overarching theme of the study. I also do not want to lead participants to the conclusion that I am trying to make. Therefore, a vaguer description might be beneficial. My thought was “What are the communication barriers that black males face in marriage?”. I have been gauging the interest of men that I know, who are married and find communication in their relationship difficult.

So far, I have received a lot of inquiry on this topic and the idea of diving deeper into a man’s vulnerability with his wife. Specifically black men, who in my experience must consistently portray a strength. This is a very taxing façade to project at all times. An assumption of marriage is that both individuals are comfortable to show their true and authentic self. If this statement was an absolute, my assumption is that men would express more than just anger in their relationship. I tend to believe that men test the boundaries of how open they can be with their spouse. When their vulnerability is rejected through a critical reaction, disappointment, or lack of comfortability by their spouse; men tend to shut down.

As a boy growing up, I was taught that my emotions were not acceptable. This resulted in behaviors that caused more damage for my mental health. Because I did not feel safe expressing myself, I found it hard to be vulnerable with others. I also found myself in unhealthy coping mechanisms and hiding behaviors that were not seen as “good”. I longed for people that I could unpack the turmoil that I felt inside. I thought that in marriage I would find this safe space. What I found was my hiding of my true emotions gave my wife an unrealistic expectation of me as a man. I was always “strong and stoic” in our dating phase of the relationship. For 5 years before marriage my wife thought that nothing phased me. She later realized I was a ball of emotions. In the beginning of or marriage she did not know how to react to what I was saying. This led to me feeling alone and misunderstood within my own house, almost as if I was a teenager all over again. Though this sounds dramatic, it is natural for us as humans to relate our current reality to past situations. These trips back to spaces of emotional scarcity can limit our ability to be present in the moment, and while this sounds like a riveting crisis. It would be highly unproductive for
your mental health if I just left you with a problem and no way to work towards a different result.

If you find yourself in a place where you do not feel like you have the permission to be vulnerable in relationships; I believe it starts by creating a space for yourself. We have all heard the saying that you cannot give others what you do not give yourself. It is also very true that you cannot ask from others what you first ask from for yourself. If I do not think my voice matters, someone else saying it does will not validate the insecurity inside of me. As men, we must give our inner child the freedom to feel every emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. As we begin to accept, we are more than anger and excitement, we will be able to ask others accept that as well.

Written by Tim Nelson, Registered Mental Health Intern #25977

Understanding Good Mental Health: A Holistic Perspective

As I embarked on my journey as a Student Mental Health Intern, I immersed myself in various theories, techniques, and research to enhance clients’ mental well-being. While these tools are valuable, a fundamental question persisted: “What does good mental health truly entail?”

Human experiences are diverse, yet we often find common ground in our pursuit of purpose and fulfillment—whether through a thriving career, nurturing a family, or simply leading a meaningful life. The essence of mental health becomes clearer when we acknowledge that our search for purpose invariably involves navigating mistakes and overcoming challenges. By confronting these obstacles, we learn about ourselves and our capacity to achieve our goals.

The essence of good mental health transcends external achievements; it lies in addressing and nurturing our internal struggles. Common advice to “just do what makes you happy” or “do what you think is best for yourself,” I would argue, can inadvertently foster isolation if not acknowledged with a broader perspective. Focusing solely on personal happiness might seem appealing and, in some cases, be what’s best. It may also lead to a solitary existence if it means being too comfortable and becoming stagnant.

In my view, our purpose extends beyond individual satisfaction; it involves fostering meaningful connections and communities. These relationships, forged through shared experiences and proximity, often evolve into deeper bonds that teach us about sacrifice and selflessness. By prioritizing the well-being of others, we cultivate discipline—a crucial element in forming positive habits. Though these habits may seem basic, they contribute significantly to overall mental health, such as maintaining a balanced diet or exercising regularly.

In a world with conflicting opinions and materialistic promises from media and celebrities, it’s easy to be misled about what constitutes genuine mental well-being. The notion that acquiring possessions or achieving a certain appearance will resolve our issues is a common but flawed narrative.

I would make the case that true mental health is characterized by the ability to embrace life’s joys and challenges with resilience. It involves having a supportive community to rely on in times of need and fostering a mindset that values living well not only for personal gain but also for the positive impact on others.

In essence, good mental health is a balanced state of being that integrates personal resilience, supportive relationships, and a sense of purpose that extends beyond oneself.

Written by Juan Cubillos, Graduate Student in Clinical Mental Health

3 Things I Wish I Knew When I Began Therapy

  1. You don’t have to pretend you’re ok.

Your therapist is fully equipped to meet you exactly where you are. Being authentic in session also gives your therapist more of an accurate picture of who you are. There is no way to heal what we don’t reveal. With the understanding rapport and trust can take some time to build. It is important that when you are comfortable you feel, the more you begin to share. Therapy is meant to be a nonjudgmental and free space. A place where you don’t have to worry about judgement.

2. Do not stress so much on if you are good or bad person.

When we think we are bad people we hide the things that would support that belief. We won’t address the times we were in the wrong. We tell the half of the story that shows how much of a victim we are. This is the same with desiring to be seen as good. When the desire for goodness, surpasses the desire for healing. We trade honesty in for in for the facade of a perfect image.

3. Healing takes time

Therapy is not a magic pill that will give you relief the moment you leave your first session. Sometimes things can get worse before they get better. Uncovering the past and processing hurts can bring all those feelings rushing back. If we aren’t careful, we will leave before the miracle happens. Healing comes to those who are willing to work for it. Persistence is the magic that we need to succeed in therapy. Simply put, “Don’t give up!”

As the world continues to change around us at a rapid rate, we need unbiased places to process our experiences. My hope is that therapy can be that outlet for those who feel they have no one to listen.

Written by Tim Nelson, Registered Mental Health Intern #25977

 

 

Empathy’s Mirror

Practicing empathy towards others contributes to self-acceptance and self-love in several ways:

When we empathize with others, we put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand their experiences, emotions, and challenges. This shift in perspective helps us realize that everyone is imperfect and faces their own struggles. Recognizing the humanity and imperfections in others invites us to extend that same understanding and acceptance to ourselves. This perspective shift promotes self-acceptance by reminding us that we are not alone in our experiences and that it’s natural to have flaws and setbacks.

Empathy helps us recognize the common humanity that connects us all. When we empathize with others, we realize that we share similar limitations, concerns, and vulnerabilities with others. This understanding fosters a sense of belonging and reminds us that we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings. This shared reality prods us to develop a greater sense of self-acceptance and self-love, knowing that our experiences are part of the shared human experience.

Offering unconditional positive regard to others, which means accepting and valuing someone without judgment or conditions, is perhaps one of the great examples in this space; we learn to apply the same acceptance and kindness to ourselves. What could we be caring about that keeps us from extending that love to the person in the mirror? Self-acceptance and self-love ask that we embrace ourselves fully, just as we would embrace others.

There is something magical that happens when we empathize with others; we tap into our own capacity for empathy and compassion. The social capital that is self-love takes on new meaning and ownership. This emotional resonance helps us understand and connect with others and deepens our understanding of ourselves. The goal here is to develop a greater sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance. This process allows us to embrace our positive and negative emotions and cultivate self-love by honoring our authentic experiences.

Practicing empathy towards others creates a positive ripple effect in our own lives. When we show understanding, kindness, and compassion to others, we experience a sense of fulfillment and joy. This positive energy then extends to how we perceive and treat ourselves. By nurturing empathy towards others, we cultivate a compassionate and loving mindset that naturally extends to self-acceptance and self-love.

In summary, practicing empathy towards others contributes to self-acceptance and self-love by shifting our perspective, recognizing our common humanity, promoting unconditional positive regard, fostering emotional resonance, and creating a positive ripple effect. By extending empathy to others, we create a foundation of acceptance and compassion that ultimately strengthens our relationship with ourselves. When was the last time you were given the best of YOU? Let’s do this!

Written by Petra Wilkes, Registered Mental Health Intern #IMH25031

Stay, Go or Fall for the Subtle Settle?

Did you even notice that talking about the ups & downs of relationships is not easy? In fact, most adults have bits and pieces of past relationships that they haven’t shared with another soul. Have you explored relationship status discussions as of late or do you (like many) avoid them at all costs? There is an old joke in which one partner says to the other…”I said I loved you forty years ago, if that changed, I would have let you know!” This may be funny but it is a recipe for disaster and dissolution of unions! Hence, it may be time for you to take a closer look. I believe you are worth it and relationship exploration can help understand past history which affects future success.

Let’s have an honest, open-minded look at your past & present romantic relationships?
Happiness and fulfillment for most couples includes good communication, faith, empathy, patience, forgiveness, intimacy and more. Romantic relationships can come in many forms, some good, some great, some meh, some bad and others downright terrible! All have the power to change our lives, for better or for worse. Most directly correlate with the desires of our heart. This accounts for the fact that romantic attachments often include the most incredible and unfortunately, some of the absolute worst moments and days of our lives.

Truth be told, most adults know when our romantic relationships rock.
What’s more, our “wise minds” also recognize when our relationships become unsatisfying, uninspiring or even toxic.
We may struggle to verbalize or even admit it to ourselves but few can deny relationship status after a careful examination of conscience. For this reason, we should call it what it truly is and do something if it is not working in our life stories.

Rating relationships might look something like this…
Your partner makes you a better person, lifts your spirits, treats you well, listens with empathy, shares interests, etc.
In this case, you are blessed with a good match.
Better yet, if your heart skips a beat when your eyes connect across the room…BINGO! BANGO!!!
On the other hand, if your partner brings you down, is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive, cheats, lies and repeatedly leaves you unsatisfied, this match may be toxic and you may need to (as the expression goes) RUN!!!
It is easy for most to identify the toxic, knock-down, drag-out fighting, manipulating, gaslighting,
cheating, crying, etc. but what about the not so obvious troubled relationships?
The relationships that contain little, if any, spark. They are less threatening, less exciting, less
dramatic and produce less or zero butterflies in our bellies. I’m talking about the subtle settle partnerships.
The links that beg us to ponder,
“Should I stay or should I go?” or “Am I settling for less than I deserve?”
The subtle settling in a mundane or less than satisfying affair may include complacency, familiarity and a bit of boredom. Perhaps this is a relationship that started out slowly and failed to launch. It may be a friendship that formed when one or both parties feared being alone more than being a part of a couple that often contemplates what might be missing. If your relationship is falling short of your expectations or your core values are not in line with your actions and behaviors, it may be time to reinvent, reboot or remove this relationship for better mental health.

American psychologist, John Gottman has labeled Four Horsemen, or hooks that interfere with relationship success. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. These behaviors can devastate and wreak havoc on romantic unions. Careful attention to the reduction or elimination of these behaviors can build strong, healthy attachments. Additionally, hard work and focus can lead to recovery and reunion for struggling couples that brave these destructive behaviors.

Some say that being alone is better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.
What do you say? As a Couples Counselor, it is not my job to answer that question or even offer advice.
I can only make observations and pose thought-provoking questions that help to reveal next best steps.
Some of these questions may include:
Do you love yourself enough to go it alone indefinitely?
Do you believe that you are already whole and that a partner should supplement and spark joy?
Do you trust your Higher Power to place your person in your life at the appropriate and well appointed time?
Does your partner make you a better person?
Are you settling for less than you deserve?
Does thinking about your partner evoke feelings of joy, peace, safety, indifference, fear, sadness or discord?
If you are unsure, you may need to explore your thoughts and feelings with the use of an emotions wheel, similar tools and a
trained professional.
If you need assistance processing or would like to have help sorting and working through issues
heavy on your heart, please reach out to one of our fabulous relationship counselors.
We care and think you deserve the very best intimacy, happiness and fulfillment in relationships near and dear
to your heart. We consider it a privilege to help create and maintain solid, stable connections and thank you for the opportunity to serve. You and your relationships are worthy of a love that meets or beats your expectations! I will leave you with this and please remember that self love is ALWAYS a part of true love!

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” -John Lennon

Author & Photo Credit: Ria Ruane, MA, LMHC

Breaking Free: 3 Tools to Transform Your Relationship Dynamics

Walking on eggshells in your relationship? Here are 3 tools to change everything.

We all want to feel free to trust and love our other half, but sometimes find it difficult if they’re controlling, scrolling on their phones during “quality time” or making us work hard for the scraps of love and attention we crave.

Sometimes we get to a place in our lives where we wonder how much longer we can be living this way. Most of us have lived enough life to know that yesterday might be starting to look permanent, causing us to wonder, “How do we change our tomorrow?”.

These simple tools, when used correctly, can help improve your relationship and point you on a
path to a greater sense of self:

Transform your habit of thinking:

We all have an inner critic that lives inside of us, made up of fearful thoughts that keep us feeling stuck. These thoughts are not who we are, but have been wired into our subconscious to keep us safe. Who we really are knows we deserve more than what we are getting, but somehow we keep moving back into our old habits. To get the relationship we want, we need to get curious about how our inner critic thinks it’s helping us through presenting the negative, fearful thoughts, and retrain our minds to replace them with faith in ourselves. You are not
your thoughts. You are the one who is aware of your thoughts and has the power to change them to create the life and relationship you know you deserve.

Change where you put your energy:

One of the most terrifying feelings we can experience is the feeling of helplessness. This is especially true in our relationships. To avoid this feeling, our human nature is to try to control external factors outside of our control. We sometimes put a lot of energy into trying to change (or control) our partner, leaving us feeling burnt out and resentful. The fastest way to reclaim our inner peace is by gaining clarity on what we do have control over, and what we do not. Once we realize we only have control over our own actions and choices, the magic begins to happen. Redirecting all of the energy that was once used to try and change our partner, we can focus on building the life we want, and if our partner is willing to come along for the ride, they
will rise to our level.

Train people how to treat you:

We all know the true saying “Actions speak louder than words”, but sometimes this idea gets lost when it comes to our relationships. We may tell our partner that we won’t put up with something anymore or we are going to leave… but then we don’t follow through. We may say, “That’s not okay”, but continue to give them what they want. To get the changes we require, we need to reward our partner with their love language when they show behaviors we want or desire. When unwanted behaviors show up, we limit any reinforcement of that behavior. With the help of a therapist to navigate the intricacies of relationships, we can make a healthy plan to limit our presence and/or attention in a specific way. Over time, if they truly are our person, their behaviors will shift into what we have been asking for but haven’t been following up with our actions until now.

Written by Kellie Hatch – Mental Health Graduate Student

Embracing Healing: The Crucial Role of Therapy in Maternal Mental Health

The journey into motherhood is a transformative experience, filled with joy and challenges. Amidst the joy, many mothers grapple with the complexities of maternal mental health. Therapy emerges as a powerful and essential tool in navigating this terrain, offering a space for healing, understanding, and resilience.

Understanding Maternal Mental Health Challenges: Maternal mental health challenges are diverse, ranging from the “baby blues” to more severe conditions like postpartum depression and anxiety. These challenges can impact a mother’s emotional well-being, her ability to bond with the baby, and overall family dynamics. Recognizing the signs and seeking therapeutic support is a crucial step towards addressing these challenges.

The Therapeutic Connection: Therapy provides a unique and safe space for mothers to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment. The therapeutic relationship can offer a sense of validation, empathy, and understanding that is particularly valuable during a time when mothers may feel overwhelmed or isolated.

Validation of Emotions: Mothers often experience a wide range of emotions, from joy and fulfillment to guilt and self-doubt. Therapy helps validate these emotions, emphasizing that it’s okay not to be perfect and providing tools to cope with the challenges of motherhood.

Addressing Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: Therapy is a cornerstone in the treatment of postpartum depression and anxiety. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and interpersonal therapy are among the therapeutic approaches that have demonstrated effectiveness in helping mothers manage and overcome these conditions.

Improving Mother-Infant Bonding: A strong mother-infant bond is crucial for the child’s emotional development. Therapy can facilitate this bond by addressing any mental health challenges that may hinder a mother’s ability to connect with her baby. Techniques such as parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) can be incorporated to strengthen this vital relationship.

Support for Relationship Dynamics: The transition to parenthood can strain relationships. Therapy provides a space for couples to navigate this transition, improve communication, and support each other through the challenges, fostering a healthy family dynamic.

Postpartum Support and Beyond: Therapy is not only beneficial during the postpartum period but can also provide ongoing support as mothers navigate the various stages of parenthood. It equips them with coping mechanisms, stress management skills, and resilience to face the evolving demands of motherhood.

Destigmatizing Mental Health: Engaging in therapy helps destigmatize maternal mental health challenges by normalizing the idea that seeking help is a proactive and courageous step towards well-being. This shift in perception is crucial for creating a culture where mothers feel empowered to prioritize their mental health.

Therapy stands as a beacon of support and healing for mothers facing the complexities of maternal mental health. By recognizing its importance, society can contribute to creating an environment where every mother has the opportunity to embrace healing, find resilience, and cultivate the emotional well-being needed to nurture both herself and her child.

Written by Jennifer Freel – Mental Health Graduate Student