Inspire Archives - Cape Coral Therapists

Celebrating Mental Health Awareness Month: Why It Matters More Than Ever

May 16, 2025 by April Brown

May marks Mental Health Awareness Month, an essential observance that highlights the importance of mental health and encourages a conversation about mental illnesses, promoting strategies for achieving mental health and wellness. Given the challenges we’ve all faced during recent times—pandemics, social
unrest, economic uncertainties—this month’s observance feels more urgent than ever. It’s a call to pause, reflect, and engage in meaningful dialogue about mental health.

Understanding Mental Health
Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Positive mental health allows people to realize their full potential, cope with the stresses of life, work productively, and make meaningful contributions to their communities.

However, when we talk about mental health, it’s crucial to address the stigma that often surrounds mental health issues. Stigma can lead to discrimination and can be one of the biggest hurdles that prevent people from seeking help. Mental Health Awareness Month serves as a reminder that mental health is as important as physical health and deserves the same quality of support and care.

This Year’s Theme
Each year, Mental Health Awareness Month includes a theme to bring focus to specific issues. For instance, recent themes have focused on tools and resources that can help people manage stress, cope with uncertainty, and recognize signs of mental health issues early on. Themes aim to make mental health care accessible and approachable for everyone, reinforcing that it’s okay to seek help.

How You Can Participate
There are many ways to observe Mental Health Awareness Month, whether you’re looking to engage on a personal level or help raise awareness in your community. Here are a few suggestions:

Educate Yourself and Others: Learn about mental health issues through credible sources and share this knowledge to help reduce stigma. Knowledge empowers people to seek help without fear of judgment.
Share Your Story: If you’re comfortable, sharing your mental health journey can inspire others to do the same and contribute significantly to dismantling stigma.
Advocate for Policy Change: Support local and national mental health advocacy groups that push for policies improving mental health services. Advocacy can lead to substantial changes in how services are provided and funded.

Promote Social Media Awareness: Use your social media platforms to spread awareness by sharing posts, articles, and videos about mental health. Use relevant hashtags to increase the reach of your messages.
Check-In on Loved Ones: Sometimes, a simple conversation asking “How are you really feeling?” can make a big difference. Check in on friends, family, and even colleagues.

Resources and Support
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, several resources are available:

National Helplines: Organizations like National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offer helplines where you can find support and advice.
Local Mental Health Services: Search for local clinics and therapists that offer tailored mental health care.
Online Platforms: Websites and apps designed for mental health can offer tools and resources to help manage your mental well-being.

A Final Word
Mental Health Awareness Month is more than just a monthly observance. It is an ongoing commitment to creating a healthier, more compassionate society where we can talk openly about mental health issues and support each other in times of need. Let’s use this month to spread kindness, offer support, and make every effort to understand the complex world of mental health.

Written by Sherline Herard, MH24002 Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, Depression, EMDR Therapy, empower, Inspire, Mental Health

Fostering Emotional Health in Autism: MFT Strategies Enhanced with ABA Insights

May 2, 2025 by April Brown

Emotional well-being is foundational for learning, growth, and authentic connection. This is especially true for autistic individuals navigating a world often shaped by neurotypical expectations. Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) offers relational tools that nurture empathy, communication, and trust. At the same time, Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) provides data-driven methods to teach adaptive behaviors and track emotional growth.

When MFT and ABA come together, families experience both Heart and Horsepower: deep emotional healing and measurable progress.

Common Challenges & Integrated Solutions
1. Labeling Complex Emotions
Autistic children often recognize basic emotions like “happy” or “mad,” but nuanced feelings—
such as “anxious excitement” or “melancholic calm”—can be harder to identify.
Strategies:
• Feelings Wheel or Chart
Display a chart with both core and secondary emotions; revisit it daily.
• Emotion Journaling
Use drawings, stickers, or emojis to describe their feelings after key moments (e.g.,
school, outings).
• Real-Time Labeling
Gently suggest words when noticing mood shifts:
“I see you got quiet after the lights dimmed—maybe you feel a bit nervous or tired?”

Template: Daily Feelings Journal

Time	Event	How I Felt (Choose 1–2 words)	Sticker/Drawing
8 AM	Getting ready for school	Tired, nervous
3 PM	Playdate ended	Sad, calm

2. Routine Distress
Even minor changes in schedule can be overwhelming, often triggering shutdowns or
meltdowns.
Strategies:
• Visual Schedules with If–Then Cues
Pair expected vs. adjusted plans side by side:
“If snack is at 3:10, then play starts at 3:30.”
• Preview & Practice
Use a short social story or simple role-play:
“Today we’ll eat later—how might our body feel?”
• Flexible Transition Tools
Offer a sensory-friendly bridge, such as music or a fidget toy during unplanned gaps.

3. Social Anxiety & Avoidance
Interpreting social cues on the fly can feel like juggling flaming torches. Many autistic kids
retreat into comfort behaviors to cope.
Strategies:
• Social Stories & Scripts
Create a one-page guide like “How to Join a Circle Game,” with sample phrases.
• Graded Exposure
Start with short, low-pressure interactions (e.g., 5-minute chats with a new peer).
• Peer Buddies
Pair them with a peer who understands their style and offers gentle cues.

Emotional Health Within the Family System
Strained Dynamics
Emotional dysregulation affects everyone. Parents and siblings may feel torn between helping
and helplessness.
Strategies:
• Family Debrief Circles
Everyone shares one feeling and one need.
“I feel overwhelmed; I need a 5-minute break.”
• Siblings as Helpers
Assign age-appropriate roles (e.g., “You can press play on his calm-down song”).
• Safe Space Agreements
Designate a calming corner or pop-up tent for anyone needing quiet.

Template: Family Debrief Notes

Family Member	Feeling	Need
Mom	Frustrated	Quiet break
Sibling	Worried	More prep time
Child	Tired	Snuggle time

Caregiver Burnout
The constant vigilance required can lead to exhaustion, guilt, and withdrawal.
Strategies:
• Scheduled Respite
Protect 90 minutes each week for solo time, without explanation.
• Intentional Micro Breaks
Use a 5-minute ritual (tea, stretch, fresh air) with a timer.
• Peer Support
Join nonjudgmental groups to share wins and challenges.

Template: Self-Care Plan

Day	Micro Break	Respite Time	Support Group?
Monday	Tea & window time	6–7:30 PM
Thursday	Stretch break	—

MFT Techniques for Emotional Regulation
A. Emotion Coaching in the Family Context
1. Affective Validation
“I can see you’re upset because the game changed.”
Naming the feeling reduces its power and confusion.
2. Emotional Turn-Taking
Use a timer—each person speaks for 60 seconds, no interruptions.
Builds empathy and communication.

B. Circular Communication Styles
• Linking Cause & Effect:
“What did you feel when the timer rang early?”

• Mapping Patterns:
Draw a “Trigger → Emotion → Response” chart to visualize emotional loops.

Template Mapping Patterns:

Trigger	Emotion	Response
Alarm rings	Confusion	Running out of the room
Loud sound	Fear	Running away

C. Emotion-Focused Therapy Techniques
• Safe Approach Drills:
Parents calmly approach with open hands and soft voices to build trust.
• Guided Dialogues:
Use scripts like: “I’m worried when you bolt from the room. Can we think of a better
plan together?”

ABA Contributions That Enhance MFT Work
Functional Behavior Assessments (FBA)
• Track Antecedent → Behavior → Consequence to understand emotional triggers.
• Identify reinforcers—like escape or attention (see template examples)—that may
unintentionally maintain a behavior.

Template: ABC Chart

Antecedent	Behavior	Consequence
Asked to clean up	Screaming/Yelling “no”	Mom walked away
Using the bathroom	Yelling “Mom”	Mom comes in to help

Teaching Emotional Skills with Behavior Protocols
• Differential Reinforcement:
Reward calm “I’m frustrated” or “I need help” statements more than emotional outbursts.
• Prompt Fading:

Gradually remove adult guidance as the child learns emotional vocabulary and self-
regulation.

Data-Driven Progress Monitoring
• Use Visual Charts to plot progress in real-time.
• Set Baseline and Goal Metrics (e.g., reduce meltdowns from 4 to 1 per week).

Template: Weekly Progress Chart

Day	Meltdowns	Calm Words Used	Coping Tool Used
Monday	2	“I’m upset” x1	Stress ball

Final Thoughts
When MFT’s empathy-based approach joins with ABA’s precision, families gain more than
coping strategies—connection, confidence, and emotional clarity. With the right tools, emotional
health in autism isn’t just a goal—it’s a shared, achievable journey.

Printable Worksheets
1. Daily Feelings Journal- Helps children identify and express their emotions through words
and visuals.
2. Visual Schedule & First–Then Board- Assists in preparing for routine changes and
transitions.
3. Social Story Template- Guides children through social scenarios with step-by-step narratives.
4. Family Debrief Notes- Facilitates open communication about feelings and needs among
family members.
5. Self-Care Plan for Caregivers- Encourages regular self-care practices to prevent burnout.
6. ABC Behavior Chart- Tracks Antecedent, Behavior, and Consequence to understand
behavioral patterns.
7. Weekly Progress Chart- Monitors emotional regulation progress and sets achievable goals.

Written by Johana Calvo, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

Filed Under: Anxiety, Autism, Communication, Depression, Family, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, Mental Health

Embracing the Evolving Dynamics of Change: How Change Can Benefit Your Mental Health

March 21, 2025 by April Brown

When we think about change, it can often evoke a sense of unease. For example, imagine a young child expressing anxiety to their mother, saying, “Oh no, we must move again. I don’t want to go to another new school.” This illustrates the fears many of us feel when faced with unfamiliar situations. Life consists of unexpected shifts, turns, and changes that touch us all. Picture yourself driving your car when it suddenly loses power, stops, and leaves you stranded on the side of the road. It can be frustrating and overwhelming, especially when you realize you need a new car, even though that wasn’t in your plans. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and understand that change, while challenging, is a part of our journey.

Mental health counselors should be aware of clients’ changes and support them in stepping out of their comfort zones. Change can significantly challenge clients, particularly when it disrupts their everyday routines. Life transitions often affect clients’ established foundations and can reveal their capacity for resilience.

Clients experiencing divorce may face sudden and substantial changes that require adjustment. Mental health counselors frequently encounter clients grappling with the transitions and uncertainties associated with change. Focusing on embracing change rather than resisting it may facilitate personal growth, resilience, and enhanced well-being for clients.

Change can prompt individuals to move beyond their comfort zones and may facilitate personal growth. For example, someone facing a breakup might feel devastated initially but can find opportunities for self-reflection and exploration of new interests.
Job loss is another significant challenge that can create uncertainty. Individuals may experience financial strain but can engage in supportive strategies to cope. New employment opportunities may arise, as I experienced when I was laid off due to a pharmaceutical company’s decisions. Ultimately, job loss can catalyze re-evaluating career goals and pursuing new skills, which lead me to a more fulfilling career path. As counselors, we can create a platform for clients to feel free. Acknowledge your feelings: Feeling anxious, sad, or even scared when facing change is okay. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment.

What are some essential tips for change?

Implement Incremental Steps: It is advisable to decompose the change into smaller, manageable steps to mitigate feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious. This approach encourages viewing change as an opportunity rather than a threat.
Self-care is essential during change, as it can improve physical and mental health. Engaging with a mental health counselor trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be beneficial. CBT addresses negative internal beliefs that can arise from life’s unpredictable changes. The objective of this therapeutic approach is to assist clients in replacing negative thoughts with more positive and realistic alternatives. Unhealthy negative behaviors can lead to increased anxiety, worry, and depressive symptoms.
Emphasize Positive Aspects: It is essential to identify potential benefits and opportunities that may arise from the transition. Change can serve as a significant catalyst for positive transformation. By embracing change, individuals can foster resilience, broaden their perspectives, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life.

Written by Maxine Martin, Mental Health Graduate Student

Filed Under: Anxiety, empower, Inspire, kindness, Mental Health, Women Empowerment

Whom shall I be?

March 7, 2025 by April Brown

I recently had a discussion with a new MHC student. They shared having been to a recent event and how moved they were by the powerful presentation of another therapist, whom they referred to as the ‘Sunshine therapist ‘. This term, they explained, symbolized a therapist who exudes warmth, positivity, and authenticity. They reflected that this was the kind of therapist they aspired to be. As expected, they expressed feeling overwhelmed of late by this unspoken expectation to be the expert and thus an invitation to NOT be fully themselves but a better-upgraded version of themselves.

I didn’t have to go back too far in my mind to recount my own experiences that mirrored theirs. But, the distance between them and now is large enough that I was able to offer them the following in response:

When we go into settings where we spend time with other professionals or people, we are often struck by either their authenticity and the powerful ways in which they show up as themselves or the lack thereof. Watching this can fuel an automatic introspection that could
invite viewers to illicit change within themselves. This change could be a great thing. If I were someone who has not engaged authentically for some time or not at all, this prompt could lead to meaningful and lasting change. However, if I am someone newer to this field, unsure of my place, or even inviting “imposter syndrome” to be a dominant story as I grow in my skills, I may accept the invitation to become someone I am not. While the invitation to change can feel ubiquitous in this generation, I posit it should not be so. If left too long without a counterbalance, this course correction of sorts can derail therapeutic growth and prowess long before it begins.

Watching someone else glow or shine in their authenticity is, point of fact, an invitation to rekindle your own fire and be more of who you are as a therapist. The fierce presence of genuine “is-ness” can be liberating and filled with an inviting adhesive quality. I want to stick with myself through this thing called life and show up in genuine ways that fuel the same desire in others to be them, too!

To all of us, regardless of our experience, the seasoned, salty, and less-so therapists among us, let’s commit to showing up as ourselves. Let’s be authentic whether we’re at work or at play. Let’s collectively make a clarion call to the unsalted among us to be authentically themselves! Because as Oscar Wilde is attributed as saying, “Be you: everyone else is already taken.” Who’s with me?

From one salty storyteller to another,
Petra, Registered Mental Health and Marriage and Family Intern #IMH25031
Sage & Lore Counseling

Filed Under: empower, Inspire, Mental Health

The Power of Somatic Healing: Integrating Mind, Body, and Emotion in Therapy

February 21, 2025 by April Brown

My name is Sophie Gengler and I am a graduate student in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Northwestern University. From my experiences living in a Tibetan Buddhist monastery, studying non-dual shaiva tantra in Indonesia, practicing a silent 10 day Vipassana sitting, and teaching yoga, I have devoted myself to the exploration of the relationship between mind and body. Through my own endeavors and studies, I have witnessed firsthand how powerful the mind/body connection is. My journey has shaped my approach to mental health counseling and I intend to share the impact of somatic therapy, embodiment practices, and mindfulness training in my counseling practice.

Somatic based practices place emphasis on the body’s sensations. When we become aware of and attuned to our body’s natural impulses, we are able to connect deeper to our intuition and reactions. Modern research has shown that the body holds memories of trauma, stress, and emotional pain. These memories can exist within the fascial layers of our body, and when we move and engage in somatic practices, the body
experiences both physical release and emotional release. When we attune ourselves to these physical and emotional reactions, we can better understand our authentic layers of self. Practices such as yoga and breathwork allow space for healing and embodiment through organic, somatic movement.

Mindfulness based meditation is a form of somatic therapy that emphasizes awareness of the present moment. When engaging with the present moment through practices such as anapana meditation or vipassana visualization scans, we return to our bodily awareness which opens the doors for gentle acceptance of emotions. One of the benefits of counseling is deepened self-awareness. These kinds of embodied practices can return an individual to their body, emotions, intuition, breath, community, and ultimately to their authentic self.
The wisdoms of the body lead us directly to heightened awareness of our emotional and psychological states. We harbor an innate intelligence that can bring all aspects of yourself– mind, body, emotion, spirit–into harmony. My intention in my practice is to help people become so attuned to their body that every experience of emotion and interaction with the world is met with awareness and joy. I hope to
empower people to feel livened and enveloped by their own somatic engagement. When we become fully attuned to our emotions and fully connected to the world around us, we can experience the depths of vibrancy. Every moment becomes an opportunity to connect, authentically express, and to collaborate in the dance of healing.

Written by Sophie Gengler, Mental Health Graduate Student

Follow IG – www.instagram.com/somaticphilosophie/

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, empower, Inspire, Mental Health, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

Valentine’s Day: Loving Yourself First to Love Others Fully

February 14, 2025 by April Brown

Valentine’s Day is HERE! Whether you’re spending it with a special someone, or friends, or flying solo, it’s all good! But how can we make this day a great day? Well, we’ve all heard that classic piece of advice: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Rom 13:9). But here’s the kicker—“as yourself.” It’s hard to give love to others if you’re not showing yourself the same care and kindness first. Our mental health plays a huge role in this, and when we neglect it, we can lose sight of who we are and who we love.

So, as we get ready for the big day, why not check in with yourself? How can you feel truly rested and loved? Maybe it’s enjoying a delicious meal, unwinding in a relaxing bath, or getting lost in a good book at your favorite park. The key is to focus on one thing at a time and be
present in the moment.

If you’re spending the day with someone special, remember that it’s not about how much you spend but the quality of the time you share. As the Bible says, “Love cannot result in any harm to the neighbor” (Rom 13:10). It’s all about selfless giving, trust, and open communication in a relationship—these are the building blocks of the love we all seek.

So… let’s make this a day full of love for yourself and others!

Written by Juan Cubillos, Graduate Student in Clinical Mental Health

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, empower, faith, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, Mental Health, Self-Worth

Unlocking Deep Change

December 6, 2024 by April Brown

How Working with Your Subconscious Mind Can Transform Your Therapy Journey

When it comes to achieving lasting change in therapy, working on a subconscious level is essential. Our subconscious mind is where deeply rooted beliefs, memories, and patterns reside, often influencing our thoughts, emotions, and actions without us even realizing it. While the conscious mind is responsible for logical reasoning and decision-making, the subconscious mind is like a powerful filing system, storing all our past experiences, fears, and core beliefs. Often, these stored beliefs are the very things that hold us back from reaching our goals.

Imagine setting a conscious goal to build self-confidence, but somewhere in your subconscious lies a belief, perhaps from childhood, that you’re “not good enough.” No matter how hard you work on building confidence consciously, this underlying belief may sabotage your progress, leading you back to self-doubt. By working directly with the subconscious, we can identify and reframe these limiting beliefs, allowing you to align your entire mindset with your goals.

Therapies like Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) make use of a relaxed, alpha brainwave state to help clients access their subconscious mind. In this state, we can revisit and process experiences that shaped current self-beliefs, seeing them through the wiser lens of adulthood. Updating these beliefs is like decluttering a storage room, creating space for new, empowering perspectives that support your goals.

Working on a subconscious level not only removes mental barriers but also speeds up the therapeutic process. It allows for deep, foundational shifts that reach far beyond surface-level thinking. When subconscious beliefs are in harmony with conscious goals, your path to growth becomes clearer, allowing you to experience greater resilience, self-trust, and authentic change. Embracing this level of inner work means you’re not just reaching your goals—you’re transforming from within, creating a foundation for lasting success and well-being.

Ready to break free from old patterns and unlock true, lasting change? Book a session today and let’s work together to align your subconscious mind with your goals for a more empowered future.

Written by Kellie Hatch, Registered Mental Health Intern #26644

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, empower, Inspire, kindness, love, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

Navigating the Holiday Blues: Finding Light in the Season of Shadows

November 22, 2024 by April Brown

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, for many individuals, it can also be a challenging period marked by the holiday blues. These feelings of sadness, loneliness, and anxiety during the festive season are more common than one might think. In this blog post, we’ll explore the reasons behind the holiday blues and offer practical tips for navigating
this emotionally complex time.

Understanding the Holiday Blues:
1. Social Expectations: The holiday season comes with societal expectations of happiness and togetherness. This pressure to be festive and cheerful can be overwhelming, especially for those who may be dealing with personal challenges or losses.

2. Comparisons and Reflections: The holidays often prompt reflection on the past year, which can lead to comparisons and a sense of unmet expectations. Individuals may find themselves assessing their achievements, relationships, and life choices, potentially triggering feelings of
inadequacy or regret.

3. Loneliness: Not everyone has a robust support system or close-knit family to spend the holidays with. For those who are alone or have strained relationships, the season can amplify feelings of isolation and loneliness.

4. Financial Strain: The financial burden of gift-giving, travel, and hosting can contribute to stress and anxiety. The pressure to meet material expectations can be particularly challenging for those facing economic difficulties.

Navigating the Holiday Blues:
1. Acknowledge and Accept: The first step in addressing the holiday blues is acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It’s okay not to feel festive all the time, and recognizing your emotions is an essential part of self-care.

2. Set Realistic Expectations: Manage your expectations and understand that perfection is not the goal. Embrace imperfections and focus on creating meaningful moments rather than adhering to an idealized version of the holidays.

3. Reach Out for Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Share your feelings and let others know if you need company or assistance. Connecting with others can provide comfort and a sense of belonging.

4. Create New Traditions: If traditional holiday activities trigger negative emotions, consider creating new traditions that align with your current circumstances and bring joy. This could include volunteering, starting a new hobby, or taking a solo trip.

5. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care during the holidays. Take time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or practicing mindfulness.

6. Seek Professional Help: If the holiday blues become overwhelming and persist, consider seeking professional help. Mental health professionals can provide support, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore and address underlying issues.

The holiday blues are a common and valid experience that many individuals navigate each year. By acknowledging these feelings, setting realistic expectations, reaching out for support, and practicing self-care, it’s possible to find light in the midst of the seasonal shadows. Remember that everyone’s journey is unique, and prioritizing your well-being is key to making it through the holiday season with
resilience and grace.

Written by Sherline Herard, MH24002, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Filed Under: Anxiety, Communication, Depression, Family, honesty, Inspire, love, Uncategorized

3 Habits Impacting Your Mental Health

November 1, 2024 by April Brown

Oftentimes, when we think about what could harm our mental health, our minds go to major life events—the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the death of a loved one. But small habits that often go unnoticed can also play a major role. Below are three common habits that could be negatively affecting your mental health:

1. Not Getting Enough Sleep
Sleep impacts your mental health in numerous ways—it can affect your cognitive skills, mood, and behavior. As such, failing to get enough sleep can increase your risk of anxiety and depression and make it more difficult for you to focus, solve problems, make decisions, remember things, and control your emotions and impulses. Try sticking to the same sleep schedule, keeping your bedroom cool and dark, and performing a relaxing activity before bed (e.g., taking a warm bath or reading).

2. Being Inactive
In today’s busy world, it can be difficult to find time to exercise, but it’s important to stay active. Not only can exercise improve your physical health, but it can also boost your mental health. In fact, studies have shown that regularly exercising could reduce your risk of depression.

3. Scrolling Through Social Media
Social media can be beneficial—it can help you stay connected to long-distance family and friends and keep up with current events—but research suggests that spending too much time on it can lead to anxiety and depression. To reduce your screen time, try setting a timer, turning off notifications, or deleting apps from your phone.

Start Improving Your Mental Health
In addition to breaking the negative habits described above, one of the best things you can do to boost your mental health is speak to a therapist. Fortunately, you can entrust your care to the skilled team at our practice. Once we’ve learned more about you and any issues you may be experiencing, we’ll be able to provide you with customized advice for how to eliminate negative habits from your life and start implementing more positive ones. Contact us today to schedule your first appointment.

Written by Sherline Herard, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, Depression, empower, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, marriage, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

My PhD Journey

October 25, 2024 by April Brown

Recently I embarked on a new journey in my PhD program. My qualitative course is one of the first three and the most challenging. This course has led to a lot of soul searching on the best way to present my research question. I decided that it may be best if I research a specific
group. I have chosen to narrow my research down to black married men. My question is currently still under construction. I want it to be a meaningful statement that articulates how the overarching theme of the study. I also do not want to lead participants to the conclusion that I am trying to make. Therefore, a vaguer description might be beneficial. My thought was “What are the communication barriers that black males face in marriage?”. I have been gauging the interest of men that I know, who are married and find communication in their relationship difficult.

So far, I have received a lot of inquiry on this topic and the idea of diving deeper into a man’s vulnerability with his wife. Specifically black men, who in my experience must consistently portray a strength. This is a very taxing façade to project at all times. An assumption of marriage is that both individuals are comfortable to show their true and authentic self. If this statement was an absolute, my assumption is that men would express more than just anger in their relationship. I tend to believe that men test the boundaries of how open they can be with their spouse. When their vulnerability is rejected through a critical reaction, disappointment, or lack of comfortability by their spouse; men tend to shut down.

As a boy growing up, I was taught that my emotions were not acceptable. This resulted in behaviors that caused more damage for my mental health. Because I did not feel safe expressing myself, I found it hard to be vulnerable with others. I also found myself in unhealthy coping mechanisms and hiding behaviors that were not seen as “good”. I longed for people that I could unpack the turmoil that I felt inside. I thought that in marriage I would find this safe space. What I found was my hiding of my true emotions gave my wife an unrealistic expectation of me as a man. I was always “strong and stoic” in our dating phase of the relationship. For 5 years before marriage my wife thought that nothing phased me. She later realized I was a ball of emotions. In the beginning of or marriage she did not know how to react to what I was saying. This led to me feeling alone and misunderstood within my own house, almost as if I was a teenager all over again. Though this sounds dramatic, it is natural for us as humans to relate our current reality to past situations. These trips back to spaces of emotional scarcity can limit our ability to be present in the moment, and while this sounds like a riveting crisis. It would be highly unproductive for
your mental health if I just left you with a problem and no way to work towards a different result.

If you find yourself in a place where you do not feel like you have the permission to be vulnerable in relationships; I believe it starts by creating a space for yourself. We have all heard the saying that you cannot give others what you do not give yourself. It is also very true that you cannot ask from others what you first ask from for yourself. If I do not think my voice matters, someone else saying it does will not validate the insecurity inside of me. As men, we must give our inner child the freedom to feel every emotion, no matter how uncomfortable. As we begin to accept, we are more than anger and excitement, we will be able to ask others accept that as well.

Written by Tim Nelson, Registered Mental Health Intern #25977

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, Depression, empower, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, marriage, Mental Health

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