When working with couple’s towards conflict resolution. The first question I ask them is: “what is one step you can take to work towards a solution?” Being able to work towards healing and restoration in a relationship means creating a mental shift from focusing on all the areas the other partner is lacking, and begin to focus on what steps are needed on order to make your partner comfortable in working together as a team. It is easy to fall into a “tug of war” battle where each partner refuses to let go of their own personal perceptions, opinions, and truths.
While it is important to acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings, it is also important to show empathy and understanding towards the other partner. Taking accountability of your own actions and coming together to fight against the problem versus each other creates a sense of “partnership”. Partnership means you are no longer on opposite sides of the playing field but working together as a team. What does team work in a relationship look like?
- Willingness to Compromise: In a team, compromise is asking yourself 2 essential questions: “What am I willing to accept?” and “What am I not willing to accept?” A good team player will be honest, flexible, and open to working through emotions when something has to be given up.
- Focuses on the Positives: A good team player will choose to redirect any negative thoughts towards their partner and choose to focus on the positive qualities they possess. If energy being released is negative, the other partner will feel this and begin to feel negatively. Being able to have open communication about the things you love and things you are having a hard time with is vital in maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Awareness of One Another’s Feelings: Mind-reading and jumping to conclusions is a challenge I observe many couples encounter. A good team player does not assume they know what the other person is thinking or feeling but takes a moment to ask and listen to understand. Asking and active listening are two very important skills to ensure healthy communication. Being aware of what the other person is feeling and thinking helps to see things from their perspective.
Although there may not be a concrete manual on “how to’s” for a healthy relationship. Working together through learning and practice is a great way to invest in your relationship and develop a “teamwork” mentality.
Written by Jessica Sagastume, LMHC, NCC