Depression may look different from person to person, but at its core, the illness often causes people to feel lonely, inadequate and misunderstood. One of the most prevalent symptoms of depression is a feeling of isolation. At times, people with depression may isolate because they don’t want to inflict their pain on the people they love; other times, it’s because they’ve been hurt by others–well-meaning and otherwise–and aren’t able to trust enough to be vulnerable when they’re depressed.
When someone with depression withdraws from loved ones without communicating why it leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation. I’ve seen this with my clients and in my own life. One partner may not understand why the other is distant, distracted, or even angry. They may wonder what they did to offend the other person, or they may be frustrated or hurt that their partner has suddenly detached from them.
Being able to talk openly about mental illness is critical for the health and survival of a long-term relationship. Here are some pointers I’ve found that may assist in connection, understanding, and support.
- Communicate. The importance of healthy, effective communication cannot be overstated. I see this both in my own life and with my clients. Communication is always important, but when you are suffering from depression or another mental health issue, it needs to take top priority. Even the simple statement “I’m depressed” can let your partner know you’re not just upset about traffic or bills.
- Be with your partner. If your partner is living with depression, it makes sense that you’d want to jump in and offer advice. However, someone who is depressed often knows what they need to do to feel better, but they don’t have the energy to do so at that moment. In these situations, it is very powerful to simply be with your partner. Accept that this is part of your relationship with your partner instead of trying to change or cure them. Holding their hand, maintaining eye contact, and engaging in active listening can help your partner far more than offering suggestions for things they should be doing.
- Provide the basics. Depression often affects a person physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Basic comforts like drawing a warm bath, providing a meal or a cup of tea, or even giving a back rub for shoulders tight with stress can be huge for someone suffering from depression. Because depression often makes people feel unworthy or unattractive, words of encouragement are also vital. Finding ways to be intimate when your partner is not feeling well shows sensitivity and relieves pressure when they may be feeling inadequate.
- Give reminders and encouragement. People with depression sometimes believe the things they are feeling are a result of who they are as a person, which can result in self-loathing. They may feel shame or guilt for not being able to better control how they feel. Remind your partner that their depression does not define them and that they are separate from it. You might also remind them that depression is an illness, and like any other illness, they are not to blame for getting sick. Try pointing out strengths and past successes, which will serve to empower them and remind your partner that they will eventually feel better again.