Research has always touted the benefits of youth sports both physically and mentally. Sports can be a great way to promote socialization and teamwork as well as improve confidence and resilience. A child may meet their best friend that they share all their secrets with on the soccer field. Or they may land their gymnastic routine and begin to portray a new level of confidence. A child may even bounce back in the last five minutes of a championship game to take the lead. These are the little things that add up to make youth sports so beneficial and rewarding.

But when and how does it become too much on our young children? When do these healthy benefits begin to take a turn for the worse and have negative effects on our children? Is it the pressure from the sport itself or is it outside pressure from Parents and Coaches that are just simply too much for our children?

Research shows that, 70% of kids quit playing league sports by age 13, which is a pivotal age for confidence, self esteem and the need for a peer group. The number one reason kids are dropping out is because it is no longer fun. There is much more of an emphasis placed on winning at this age rather than fun. We as parents are unable to change the cultural around youth sports but we can certainly help shape the cultural we place around youth sports within our homes. We can begin by identifying unhealthy sporting environments for our children, that are invested with coaches who are present for the wrong reasons; we as Parents can focus on enjoyment of the sport rather that discussing results and scores immediately following competition, we can coordinate pick up games or street games that are just for FUN. To hear more about youth sports from a Certified Sports Psychology Coach be sure to check out my website www.swfltherapy.com.

For many people, one, two, or even five dollars is easily forgotten. Did you miss that pocket change when you put your pants through the wash? Remember that surprise you felt when you found the crumpled up two dollars under the couch cushions? While these few missing dollars every year remissfully pass through our consciousness,they can change the entire day or even week of the person who could end up finding them.

Proverbs 19:17 says “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay them for their deed.” This passage may not necessarily refer to direct monetary reimbursement for charity work (sorry, but it’s unlikely you’ll get a direct deposit from a mysterious benefactor out of the blue). It more likely refers to the spiritual and emotional fulfillment that charity work gives us. It could also refer to other tangible things we need that will be provided for us. When everything just goes your way in the day, when that check hits your account a day earlier than usual, when your friend is able to help you move your furniture, all of these things are ways in which God provides for our good deeds. While there should be no reason to do charity work besides “it is a moral good,” it’s comforting to know that God sees those good deeds and will ensure that you, in turn, are taken care of.

Here is my suggestion: get $5 cash back in singles once a week. When you see someone in need, you’ll at least have one dollar for them. Then, donate at least one dollar to five GoFundMe campaigns once a week. If everyone who was able donated this way, the amount of met goals and provided meals for those in need would skyrocket!

If you’re not able to donate in that way, keep your pocket change in a jar or piggy bank. Once the receptacle is full, cash it in at the bank, a coin exchange machine, or just grab a fistful whenever you’re going out, and make that your charity fund.

If money is out of the question, give your time. Volunteering at local community gardens, harm reduction organizations, or food pantries expands access to programs that are extremely important to people who need them.

The little things can add up, in negative and positive ways. Be the positive little thing in someone’s life.

Recently my sister Becky and I were listening to an animated story from a 10 year old boy who explained to us that “girls on the playground can be real Karen’s.”

We did not understand and asked, “What is a Karen?” Using air quotes he told us that a “Karen” was a girl that who was not so nice. He further educated us to this term “Karen’s” by showing us some very entertaining YouTube videos of “Karen’s” caught on camera.

Being a curious person by nature I explored it and was further informed that a “Karen” is a pejorative term for a seemingly entitled woman who is demanding beyond the scope of what is normal. (The male version of “Karen” has many names, like “Chad”, “Greg”, or “Ken.”)

The next day my sister and I went to the grocery store. She waited in the truck for me to run in real quick. When I came out of the store I hopped in and exclaimed, “I just had my first Karen encounter!” We both laughed and I told her how I had went to the restroom and as I was exiting the back handicapped stall there was a lady was washing your hands in the sink. As I walked by her, I heard her growl, “Disgusting!” I looked back at her and said “I know.” —because I thought she was talking about the messy state of the bathroom. She set me straight quick! Vehemently saying… “No. YOU are disgusting.” My head snapped. I was like… What?! Why would she call me disgusting? I didn’t need to ask. Because, you see, a “Karen” will tell you! True to form in 1.2 seconds she spewed “you didn’t wash her hands.”

My first instinct was to explain to the lady that the handicap stalls DO have sinks in the bathroom and even a mirror.  But instead I just said, “Thank you Karen” and walked away.

Keep in mind that I am my mother’s daughter and she stepped on that Emmy Lou Hale bloodline. Her quick ill judgment and rude attitude towards me started to stir me up and I wanted to engage her. In fact, even after I walked away I found myself wanting to walk back.

In truth, if I would have had time I may have. But one thing we can know about these Karen’s—they don’t play well with others. In fact, they are agitated strangers that make judgment calls about you and your decisions.

A psychological principle at play is that there are those people just looking to pick a fight. And you can’t win a fight with a Karen. Because it takes venom and vehemence to be that mean and angry.

I do not know where this term originated. But, I would like to note that some of the kindest and most compassionate people I know are named Karen. One such Karen is my coworker and she is one of my closest friends. In sum, if you encounter a mean “Karen” I recommend that you just smile and walk away with your personal integrity. Innocence needs no defense. Some people just want to be angry and judgmental. Their aggressive statements are baiting you—trying to get you to respond. I do not want another’s critical and angry spirit affect me. So just say “bless your heart” as they do in the south, or simply walk away. I walked away but my heart rate stayed up for quite some time. In all truth it really bothered me. But it is your choice. You can choose to take the energy to explain yourself. But these “Karen’s” are not the listening types—they just want to spar with you. So save your energy for the real things and real people that matter and do not let a stranger hijack your joy.

– Dr. Kelly Bushéy

The terms “sociopath” and “psychopath” are both out of date and out of touch. They carry negative connotations with them throughout society from a history of stigmatization. Most people don’t even know what these terms used to mean, let alone what the updated diagnosis of “antisocial personality disorder” is.

Psychopathy

There is no one accepted definition of psychopathy. It is generally characterized by someone who is uncaring, reckless or violent, and manipulative. However, there are many different systems that would measure or account for “psychopathic” tendencies. None of these methods were able to scientifically identify a clear cut off point to identify someone as a “psychopath” or not.

“Psychopathy” is a highly subjective term that means different things to different people. It encompasses traits that stem from a variety of underlying mental illnesses. The term does no good in helping someone better understand their behaviors and actions because there is no clear definition. In turn, it only furthers the stigmatization of mental illnesses, trauma, and neurodivergence.

Sociopathy

The term “sociopathy” was coined in 1909 by German psychiatrist Kirk Birnbaum. It was an alternative to “psychopathy”, but with a heavier focus on the violation of social norms, as “psychopathy” is often confused with psychosis. This term is, once again, extremely subjective, as social norms change from culture to culture.

In Media

Villain and antagonists in media are often portrayed as (or even stated to be) psychopaths. This constant characterization of people who have suffered abuse in life or have struggled with mental illness as evil or inherently bad causes fear and judgement in the uninformed. In reality, those with mental illnesses are more likely to be abused than abuse others.

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD or APD) is a personality disorder with a set of criteria that must be met in order to obtain diagnosis. The cause of ASPD is a combination of genetic and environmental influences. Some examples of influences are neurology, hormones, family and peer relationships, abuse, and cultural values.

With positive attitudes around treatment, ASPD can be managed and individuals with ASPD can live successful lives and have meaningful relationships with others.

The easiest thing to do during a time of struggle is to throw up your hands, look up at the sky, and ask, “God, why me?” What doesn’t come easy is the answer to that question.

The truth is that there is always a reason for what God puts in our lives. There is always a reason for that roadblock. And, while in the moment it may seem cruel, there is a reason for those depressive episodes.

The reason is to temper us. A sword is made by high amounts of heat, pressure, and impact, then quenched in an oil bath. We are God’s sword and must be made in the same way.

Those difficult times are necessary to life. They help us learn about ourselves, about our boundaries, about the people we want in our lives, and how we can help ourselves and others. They make us stronger people and stronger implements for God’s work. Without hard times, we would never know the euphoric sigh of relief once we’ve come out of the darkness.

So the next time you are feeling hopelessness, exhaustion, in need of a break, take a moment and think about how blissful you will feel when you are finally able to step out of the darkness with God. Think about the rapturous joy you’ll feel when things finally begin to take an upward momentum. Think about how much more surmountable other, less difficult situations will be after this experience. Think about how much wisdom you will have gained to be used in the future.

Despite how hard things are in the moment, look to God and take a breath, thanking Them for giving you the chance to become a wiser and stronger person.

If you need insight on how Spirit works intimately within you, purchase Improving Intimacy: Self, Spirit, and Spouse!

Lives are changing for the better here at Cape Coral Therapists because of the Vacation Counseling-Couples Retreat Program and its implementation in our community and as we reach out to the World Wide Web. 

How can I tell? I can see it in the couple’s eyes…they are brighter. I can see it in their smiles…they are wider. I hear it in their words…they are kinder. I can feel their spirits soar! It is evident in their walk and the way they stand, just a bit closer, a bit taller. 

I can sense it because the kindness that we, as Counselors offer is like a smile, it’s contagious! Some couples have shared that it was the best time of their lives. This is a complement to our program and our efforts. 

Freedom of time allows couples to work with each other, guided by clinicians, in areas that are in need of attention. It affords clients/counselors the opportunity to spend as little or as much time on change for the better. It helps individuals that feel unwanted, unheard, unworthy, unhealthy, unloved, etc. to a place where s/he feels the exact opposite…wanted, heard, worthy, healthy and loved. 

One to one care allows the couple to feel their unique importance. A gentle touch, a sympathetic ear, a concerned tone of voice, and an encouraging word shows each person that they matter and are thought of. Their unique stories,  talents, abilities and histories are shared on an individual basis. They also see that their loved one is engaging and experiencing a sense of belonging. 

Lives are being changed that would otherwise may not have been changed for the better. Couples are connecting and communicating better. Families are finding peace and  reconnecting. Positive change is a complex process that most people desire but are often unable to achieve without assistance and support. The Vacation Counseling Program puts the spotlight on the exploration and discovery of ways to help couples create change in areas that lead to growth, clarity and peace. Discovering and working through unresolved issues, disguised or buried feelings and/or traumatic life experiences can shed light in the darkest places. Reexamining broken relationships, rediscovering intimacy and revisiting passions and pleasures after years can lighten even the heaviest load. Working through, reducing or eliminating roadblocks (even those that individuals may not be aware of) can lead to a tremendous increase in purpose, meaning and the couple’s life satisfaction.

Come vacation with us, and enjoy working with us towards a better, more satisfying marriage! Learn more at VacationCounseling.com!

“I have a forty-hour work weeks, chores, appointments, kids, general personal care, and you want me to think about meditation? Yeah, right.”

I hear this sentiment incredibly often in my sessions. Many lifestyles just aren’t built to accommodate what is typically thought of as meditation. But meditation can be whatever and however long you choose it to be! When life just seems to throw you one punch after the other, think about what you do in your day-to-day activities to incorporate meditation into them.

Commuting

Disclaimer!: Don’t meditate while driving your car! Keep focused on the road! This tip is only for people who use public transportation!

Now that that is said, if your commute is over fifteen minutes, that is plenty of time for a five minute meditation session! Sitting on the train, subway, or bus is a perfect time to center yourself before heading into work. Pop in your headphones, put on some calming music or a short guided meditation, close your eyes, and breathe. If you couldn’t find a seat today, upright meditation is a possibility too. Just be sure to hold on tight and don’t miss your stop!

Repetitive Tasks

Repetition is an easy way to get into a “flow state”. A flow state is when your mind and body are fully immersed in the task at hand. The action comes naturally and in a steady rhythm, so mistakes are low. In this flow state, you can easily turn your attention inward and focus on centering your mind and body as your hands move. Have to mend a clothing item? Flow state. Mopping or sweeping? Flow state! Mindless tasks are a perfect way to bring yourself back to center.

In the Bathroom

I know, but hear me out! You already bring your phone with you to the bathroom, right? You scroll down your feed continuously until suddenly, you realize ten minutes have passed! Cut that time in half and use it to meditate!

Meditating doesn’t HAVE to be on the toilet either. There are many different guided shower meditations. If you take long showers, take five minutes of that time to breath, root yourself, and let go. If you take short showers, what’s another five minutes tacked on?

The possibilities of meditation are endless. You just have to open yourself up to what meditation can look like. It doesn’t require fifteen minutes or more of silence. It can be with music, during an activity, whatever makes you feel calm and able to let go of your worries.

If you need some help meditating, buy my newest ebook, Improving Intimacy: Self, Spirit, and Spouse, on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3q6nyF0 !

Is he or she emotional, subject to jealous fits? Is he or she prone to temper tantrums? Is he or she subject to wide mood swings? Is he or she calm under any circumstance?

These questions are essential because, as much as you would like to be fully in charge of your life when you date someone and become emotionally involved with them, the dynamics of your life change.

Life brings us particular joys. One of those simple joys is to be involved in a relationship with another person. When we become emotionally involved with another person, unconsciously, we surrender some control to this person. Of course, when it is beautiful and exciting, we never think of it as being manipulated by “remote control.”

You never imagined that you have a “remote control.” Yes! You do. It’s that imaginary instrument that is used to control your life. Just like a television, your life has a remote control. In your case, your remote is invisible; you cannot see it. But still, the person you are dating uses it just as if they were sitting in front of a television. They turn you on and turn you off depending on their mood and feelings. And, if the person holding your remote control is subject to wild emotional swings or calmness, so goes your daily life.

If you are uncertain about who is holding your “remote control”, then take an imaginary journey. You’ve just won a round-the-world trip for 60 days: you can take one person along; who would you want to take with you? Don’t cheat; you must be honest with yourself. It is the first person that naturally comes to your mind. You cannot reason why you would or would not want to go with this person.

Now, you have the answer to the question who is holding your “remote control.” The holder of your “remote control” is that person whose words or actions will have the most significant impact on your daily life.

What is control? It is the action or the words of another person that causes you to act or do things in a certain way. This control affects your daily life positively or negatively. Do not be surprised; the holder of your “remote control”; can be someone you have never met personally.

Take Eun Hae, thirty years old, she has been married for five years, and has a son. She met Jacques, a French guy, on the internet. They corresponded by mail and instant messenger for over six months. This internet friendship became very important to her daily life. If she had a good night chatting, she was happy, contented and would treat her family husband and son with love and consideration the next day. However, if her internet night did not go well, her internet friend could not chat with her; the next day, she would be miserable, disagreeable, and ready to ;take out her bad mood on others.

Her daily life was controlled by the friendship, or relationship, with a person she had never met. She gave up meeting her friends and going out in the evenings. The most important thing to her daily life was chatting with her friend on the internet. She had given her remote control to someone who was a virtual person, but this relationship was natural to her.

For most of us, the holder of our remote control is the person we are dating or our spouse. But sometimes, the holder of our remote control is different from the person we are dating, and that is the time we will begin to have serious problems. Of course, it is thrilling to know that the holder of your remote makes your life exciting and interesting, but when things start going all wrong due to the remote holder’s actions, you feel utterly drained and tired of dealing with this person. This person criticizes your every move and judges you excessively. Somehow you can never do anything right or good enough to please this person. Your clothes are wrong. Your hairstyle is terrible. You are constantly told to go on a diet. Your make-up is wrong. Now you know it’s time to grab your remote, seek help or run for your life. In other words, this relationship has become so toxic that it is harmful to your health.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s your type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s Your Type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.