7 Ways to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

September 2, 2016 by April Brown

7 Ways to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence By Leslie Santana from www.Psycentral.com
~ 2 min read
improve your emotional intelligenceHoward Gardner argued that instead of intelligence being a single ability, humans have the ability to develop multiple intelligences, nine to be exact. Some people have a natural proficiency in emotional or interpersonal intelligence; others have difficulty with this. Although this article focuses on one type of intelligence, I suggest for each reader to practice personal insight and assess himself or herself on every intelligence scale.

1. Opening the door

Emotions are like visitors that knock on your door on any given day and leave once they have gotten what they have came for. Emotional development starts by opening the door and allowing those emotions in. Part of coping with distress involves allowing the emotions entry instead of ignoring the knock on the door.

2. Releasing all judgments

This is where our societal norms come into play and interfere with our healthy development of emotional intelligence. All emotions are equally important. Because they are equally important and vital to each person, they are neither better nor worse emotions. Society emphasizes happiness and discourages any anger or sad emotions. Unfortunately, this causes an imbalance in each person and contributes to distress.

All emotions should be focused on equally as experiencing all emotions equally contributes to a balanced psyche. To illustrate, take a look at the duality of the ying yang circle.

3. Emotional insight

This, for me, is my favorite part of the therapeutic process and is really the driving force in recovery. Emotional insight is each individual’s unique experience of every emotion throughout his or her life. It’s like a library of memories that begins at birth.

Part of developing emotional insight consists of recognizing what events trigger certain emotions and why. It consists of recognizing what emotions visit you the most, what emotion you have the most difficulty experiencing, and what emotions are encouraged and discouraged in your nuclear family and culture.

4.Disentangling emotions

Emotions are so complex that they get enmeshed with other emotions, other people, and cognitions. The feeling of love can get enmeshed with feelings of disappointment. Most commonly, feelings of sadness manifest themselves as anger.

People, too, can enmesh emotions with each other. For example, an individual can transfer anger to his or her partner causing an unhealthy cycle of resentment. A mother might overcompensate feelings of disappointment to a child and thus cause the child to develop unresolved issues as well.

Lastly, emotions can also become enmeshed with core beliefs. This statement is a good example of tangled beliefs and emotions: “ I feel like everyone thinks I’m a joke.” No feelings were actually described here and this statement is actually a distorted cognition. A disentangled statement would be something like this: “My belief that people think I am a joke causes me to have feelings of sadness and disappointment.” An individual who masters this skill is able to not be affected by the emotions of others and can separate emotions from each other and from cognitions.

5. Practicing compassion

To say the least, emotions are complex. They are not easy to balance and can be tough to experience. Be compassionate towards yourself and others when emotions are at play.

6. Closing the door

This is probably one of the trickier parts of emotional intelligence and can shed some light on how an individual comes to develop mental illness, such as depression. If you begin by ignoring the emotion, it becomes more difficult to find peace with the emotion once you have allowed it in. This is why it is important to start from the beginning.

It is also important to remember that just because an emotion knocks on your door, doesn’t mean you need to act on it. Allow yourself to listen to what the emotion is teaching you about yourself. Closing the door to anger, contempt, and sadness is difficult so it is important to realize when you could use some outside help.

7. Connecting the dots

Developing emotional intelligence is an active intervention that requires constant attention but gets stronger with practice. In connecting the dots, you begin by opening the door to your visiting emotion, releasing all judgments of that emotion, understanding your personal experience of that emotion, developing compassion for yourself and others, and closing the door to that emotion.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

37 Techniques to Calm an Anxious Child

July 10, 2016 by April Brown

Calming Anxious Children – 37 Techniques

From Psych Central

By Renee Jain, MAPP
~ 12 min read

Imagine, you are driving in the car. You look in the rearview mirror and see your child trying to shrink into her seat.

What’s wrong?” you ask.

“I don’t want to go to the birthday party.”

“But you’ve been excited all week. There will be cake and games and a bounce house. You love all of those things,” you try to reason.

“But I can’t go. There will be lots of people there I don’t know. No one will play with me. My tummy hurts.”

Sound familiar? As a parent of an anxious child, you might regularly find yourself in situations where no matter what you try, what effort you make, what compassion you offer, or what love you exude, nothing seems to help quash the worry that is affecting your little one’s everyday interactions.

In my work with anxious children, I have found it tremendously beneficial for both parents and kids to have a toolkit full of coping skills from which to choose. As you know, every child is different and some of the tools described below will resonate more than others. When you pick one to work with, please try it at least two to three times before making a judgment on whether it suits your child and family.

Here are 37 techniques to calm an anxious child:

Write it out

Write it out and then throw it out—In a study published in Psychological Science, people were asked to write what they liked or disliked about their bodies. One group of people kept the paper and checked it for errors, whereas the other group of people physically discarded the paper their thoughts were written on. The physical act of discarding the paper helped them discard the thoughts mentally, too. Next time your child is anxious, have her write her thoughts on a paper and then physically throw the paper out. Chances are, her perspective will begin to change as soon as the paper hits the trash can.
Journal about worries—Researchers at Harvard found that writing about a stressful event for 15 minutes, for four consecutive days, can lessen the anxiety a person feels about that event. Although the person may initially feel more anxiety about the stressor, eventually the effects of writing about anxious events relieved anxious symptoms for up to six months after the exercise. Make journaling about anxious thoughts a habit with your child.
Create “worry time”—In the movie Gone with the Wind, Scarlett O’Hara often says, “I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” A similar concept works for anxious children. Set aside a designated “worry time” for 10-15 minutes on a daily basis. Choose the same time each day and the same spot and allow your child to write down his worries without worrying about what actually constitutes a worry. When the time is up, have him drop the worries in a box, say goodbye to them, and move on to a new activity. When your child begins to feel anxious, remind him that it isn’t “worry time” yet, but reassure him that there will be time to review his anxiety later.
Write a letter to yourself—Dr. Kristen Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, Austin, and a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, created anexercise where people were asked to write a letter as though they were not experiencing stress or anxiety but rather their best friends were. From this exercise they were able to examine themselves and their situation objectively and apply a level of compassion to themselves that they often reserve for other people. Next time your child feels anxious, have them write a letter that begins “Dear Me” and then ask them to continue writing in the voice of their best friend (real or imaginary).

Have a debate (with yourself)

Talk to your worry—Personification of a worry allows children to feel as though they have control over it. By giving anxiety a face and a name, the logical brain takes over and begins to place limitations on the stressor. For young children, you can create a worry doll or character for them that represents worry. Next time a worried thought arises, have your child try to teach the doll why they shouldn’t worry. As an example, check outWiddle the Worrier.
Recognize that thoughts are notoriously inaccurate—Psychologist Aaron Beck developed a theory in behavioral therapy known as “cognitive distortions.” Simply put, these are messages our minds tell us that are simply untrue. When we help our children recognize these distortions, we can begin to help them break them down and replace them with truths. Read through and use this list as a reference with your child. Depending on their age, change the language for greater accessibility.

Jumping to conclusions: judging a situation based on assumptions as opposed to definitive facts
Mental filtering: paying attention to the negative details in a situation while ignoring the positive
Magnifying: magnifying negative aspects in a situation
Minimizing: minimizing positive aspects in a situation
Personalizing: assuming the blame for problems even when you are not primarily responsible
Externalizing: pushing the blame for problems onto others even when you are primarily responsible
Overgeneralizing: concluding that one bad incident will lead to a repeated pattern of defeat
Emotional reasoning: assuming your negative emotions translate into reality, or confusing feelings with facts

Self-soothe

Give yourself a hug—Physical touch releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone, and reduces the stress hormone cortisol in the bloodstream. The next time your child feels anxious, have her stop and give herself a warm hug. She can hug herself discreetly by folding her arms and squeezing her body in a comforting way.
Rub your ears—For thousands of years, Chinese acupuncturists have used needles to stimulate various points in a person’s ears to treat stress and anxiety. Similar benefits are available to your child simply by having him apply pressure to many of these same points. Have him begin by lightly tracing the outline of his outer ear several times. Then using gentle pressure, have him place his thumbs on the back of his ears and his forefingers on the front. Have him count to five and then move his finger and thumb downward to a point just below where they started. Have your child repeat the process until he has squeezed both earlobes for five seconds each.
Hold your own hand—Remember the safety you felt when you held your parent’s hand as you crossed the street? As it turns out, hand-holding has both psychological and physiological benefits. In one study, researchers found that hand-holding during surgery helped patients control their physical and mental symptoms of anxiety. Have your child clasp her hands together, fingers intertwined, until the feelings of anxiety begin to fade.

Understand worry

Understand the origin of worry—Anxiety and worry have biological purposes in the human body. Once upon a time, anxiety was what kept our hunter and gatherer relatives safely alert while they searched for food. Even today, worry and anxiety keep us from making mistakes that will compromise our safety. Help your child understand that worry and anxiety are common feelings and that he gets into trouble only when his brain sounds the alarm and he does not allow logical thoughts to calm him down.
Learn about the physical symptoms of worry—We often think of anxiety as a mental state. What we don’t think about is how worry creates physical symptoms as well. Cortisol and adrenaline, two of the body’s main stress hormones, are produced at a rapid rate when we experience anxiety. These are the “fight or flight” hormones that prepare our bodies to either fight or run from something dangerous. Our heart rates increase, and our breathing gets fast and shallow; we sweat, and we may even experience nausea and diarrhea. However, once your child is familiar with the physical symptoms of anxiety, he can recognize them as anxiety and use any of the strategies in this article rather than worry that he is sick.

Use your body

Stretch—A study published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics showed that children who practice yoga not only experience the uplifting benefits of exercise but also maintain those benefits long after they are done with their practice. Even if you or your child is unfamiliar with yoga poses, the process of slow, methodical stretching can provide many of the same benefits.
Push against a wall—For some children, trying to breathe deeply or relax through meditation only causes more anxiety. “Am I doing this right? Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I forgot to breathe that time.” The act of physically tensing the muscles will create a counterbalancing release when they are relaxed, resulting in the relaxation more passive methods may not provide. Have your child push against the wall with all of her might, taking great care to use the muscles in her arms, legs, back, and stomach to try to move the wall. Have her hold for a count of 10 and then breathe deeply for a count of 10, repeating three times.
Practice chopping wood—In yoga, the Wood Chopper Pose releases tension and stress in the muscles by simulating the hard labor of chopping wood. Have your child stand tall with his legs wide and arms straight above as though he is holding an ax. Have him inhale and, with the full force of his body, swing the imaginary ax as though he is chopping wood and simultaneously exhale a “ha.” Repeat.
Try progressive muscle relaxation—This relaxation exercise includes two simple steps: (1) Systematically tense specific muscle groups, such as your head, neck, and shoulders etc., and then (2) Release the tension and notice how you feel when you release each muscle group. Have your child practice by tensing the muscles in her face as tightly as she can and then releasing the tension. Here is a great script for kids (pdf).
Use the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)—EFT combines tapping acupressure points in the body with verbalizing positive affirmations. Using his fingertips, have your child gently but firmly tap the top of his head, his eyebrows, under his eyes, under his nose, his chin, his collarbone, and his wrists while saying positive things about his situation. The idea is that the body’s natural electromagnetic energy is activated and associated with positive affirmations, thereby reducing anxiety.
Strike a power pose—Anxiety makes your child want to physically shrink. However, research has shown that holding a powerful pose for just two minutes can boost feelings of self-confidence and power. Have your child pose like her favorite superhero, with her hands on her hips, ready for battle, or strike a pose like a boss leaning over a table to drive a point home, hands planted on the table top.
Sweat it out—Exercise releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals in our bodies. Exercise that is more intense than your child’s normal physical activity level can actually reduce his body’s physical response to anxiety.
Fall into Child’s Pose—Have your child assume the Child’s Pose, a pose in yoga that is done by kneeling on the floor and bringing the body to rest on the knees in the fetal position. The arms are either brought to the sides of the legs or stretched out over the head, palms on the floor.

Disconnect to reconnect

Do a tech detox—Studies show that modern technology is adversely correlated to sleep and stress—especially in young adults. Challenge your child to spend a week without video game systems or smartphones, and encourage her to be more creative with her time.
Walk in nature—A Stanford study showed that exposure to green spaces has a positive cognitive effect on school children. Going for a walk in nature allows your child to reconnect with tangible, physical objects; calms his mind; and helps his logical brain to take over for his anxious brain.

Befriend water

Drink more water—Although dehydration rarely causes anxiety on its own, because our brains are 85% water, it can certainly make its symptoms worse. Make sure your child is getting adequate amounts of water in a day. The basic rule of thumb is to drink one-half to one ounce of water per pound of body weight. So if your child weighs 50 pounds, he should drink 25 to 50 ounces of water every day.
Take a cold or hot bath—Hydrotherapy has been used for centuries in natural medicine to promote health and prevent disease. Just 10 minutes in a warm or cool bath can have profound effects on the levels of anxiety your child is experiencing.

Practice mindfulness

Observe your “train of thoughts”—Have your child imagine her anxious thoughts are like trains coming into a busy station. Sometimes they will slow down and pass by, and at other times they will stop at the station for a while. If the anxious thought stops at the station, have your child practice breathing slowly and deeply until the train pulls out of the station. As it fades, have your child “watch” as the train pulls away. This exercise teaches children that they don’t have to react to every thought that occurs to them. Some thoughts they can simply acknowledge and allow to leave without acting on them.
Practice a five-by-five meditation—Have your child use each of his five senses to name five things he experiences with that sense. Again, this exercise roots your child in things that are actually happening rather than in things that mayhappen or could happen that are causing him to worry.
Focus on your breath—The natural biological response to anxiety is to breathe shallowly and quickly. Focusing on breathing slowly and deeply will mitigate many of the body’s stress responses.
Tune in with a body scan—Have your child close her eyes and check in with all of the parts of her body. Have her talk to each part and ask how it feels and if there is anything wrong. Then have her invite it to relax while she checks in with the other parts. This animation can be a fun way to practice a body scan meditation with your child.
Practice cognitive defusion—The process of cognitive defusion separates the reaction your child is having from the event. It gives your child a chance to think about the stressor separately from his reaction to that stressor. Have your child talk about his feelings of anxiety as though his mind is a separate person. He might say something like “My mind does not want to go to the party, so it is making my stomach hurt.” By disconnecting the two, he can then talk to his mind as though it is a person and re-create his internal dialogue.

Have an anxious child? Join us for a LIVE, webinar-style online masterclass Thursday, July 14th @ 1pm EDT: 9 Things Every Parent with an Anxious Child Should Try – grab a spot here.

Listen

Listen to music—It is challenging for your child to feel anxious when she is dancing to her favorite song. Crank up the tunes and sing along! Here is aloving-kindness meditation set to dance music you can listen to with your child.
Listen to stories—Avid readers know how difficult it is to pry themselves away from a good book. Listening to audio books can help your child get lost in an imaginary world where anxiety and worry do not exist or are put into their proper perspective.
Listen to guided meditations—Guided meditations are designed to be soothing to your child and help him relax by presenting images for his mind’s eye to focus on rather than focusing on the stressor.
Listen to the uplifting words of another—Often, anxiety is rooted in a negative internal monologue. Have your child listen to your uplifting words or those of someone else to restructure that monologue into positive affirmations of herself.

Help someone else

Volunteer—Researchers have long shown that “helper’s high” happens when people volunteer to help others without any expectation of compensation. Whether your child is helping a younger sibling do math homework or helping your neighbor weed her flower bed, volunteering is an easy way to alleviate his feelings of stress or anxiety.
Be a friend and give someone else advice—Sometimes the advice we give others is really meant for ourselves. Encourage your child to tell you how you should react to a situation similar to what your child might be experiencing anxiety over. If she is worried about giving a presentation in class, have her tell you how to get over your anxiety about a work presentation. The same techniques your child is teaching you will come into play when she is faced with a similar situation.
Turn your focus outward—Anxiety would have your child believe that he is the only one who has ever experienced worry or stress in a certain situation. In reality, many of his peers are likely experiencing the same feelings of worry. Encourage your child to find someone who may look nervous and talk to her or him about how she or he is feeling. By discussing his anxiety with his peers, your child will discover that he is notthe only one to feel worry.

Embrace the worry

Know that this too shall pass—One of the greatest lies the anxious brain tells your child is that she will feel anxious forever. Physiologically, it is impossible to maintain a high level of arousal for longer than several minutes. Invite your child to sit by you, and read a story or simply watch the world go by until the feelings of anxiety start to fade away. It sounds simple, but acknowledging that the “fight or flight” response won’t last forever gives it less power when your child begins to feel its effects.
Worrying is part of our humanity—Anxiety, stress, and worry are all part of what makes us human. These biological and psychological responses are designed to keep us safe in situations we are not familiar with. Reassure your child that there is nothing wrong with feeling anxiety, that it simply alerts his body so that he can be on the lookout for danger.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

5 Ways to Grow Together When Depression Enters a Relationship

June 1, 2016 by April Brown

By JoEllen Notte for YourTango.com
~ 6 min read

No one teaches us how to navigate a relationship when mental illness enters the equation.

I recently read a Washington Post article by a woman whose relationship was torn apart while she and her partner tried to deal with his depression.

My personal take is that the author simply wasn’t equipped to deal with a partner coping with depression. Most of us aren’t.

Last year when I plunged into a depressive episode, my partner was at a loss. He had never dealt with this and wanted so badly to help, but had no idea what to do.

What It’s Like Inside The Psychological Purgatory of Depression

We went looking for books and found there were very few out there, and what currently does exist approaches the topic in a “you vs. your partner and his or her depression” way. We weren’t comfortable with that, and set out to find a different approach — a way that would give him insight into my experience and allow him to support me, while giving him what he needed as well.

Our experiment worked!

Sure we hit bumps along the road, but in the end I felt loved, supported, and understood in a way I never had during a depressive episode, and he felt like he knew what was going on — a big deal in this situation — and was equipped to deal with it.

Our experience inspired this list of 5 ways to grow together rather than apart when navigating through depressive episodes with your partner:

1. Get On Your Partner’s Team

Another common advice mode that makes my blood boil is one I call the “broken and lucky” model.

It operates on the notion that the not-depressed partner is wonderful and selfless for standing by the partner with depression.

The message to partners dealing with depression is there’s obviously something inherently wrong with them (they are broken) that could justifiably make a “normal” person not want them. They should therefore feel so lucky their partner is generously taking them on — ergo, broken and lucky.

This unhealthy model only results in anger, resentment, and destroyed relationships.

To avoid this, remember your partner doesn’t want to be clinically depressed any more than you do (in fact, he or she probably wants it even less than you).

Instead of acting as adversaries, get on each other’s team.

This means trying to follow each other’s lead. Listening more than you talk. Trusting each other. Believing your partner when he or she describes their symptoms. Learning about what depression is. Meeting your partner where he or she is. Recognizing your partner isn’t his or her diagnosis. Being open to communicating differently.

Clearly, it means a lot of things.

Getting on your partner’s team is making the mental leap from thinking of your partner as someone who “has depression” to recognizing symptoms of depression as they show up in your partner and being able to ask informed questions when they do.

To get started, check out How To Help Someone With Depression by Steven Skoczen. It’s probably my favorite thing anyone has ever written on the topic.

2. Create a Common Language

Those individuals dealing with depression are living in a whole different world. Getting angry at them for not showing up for you the same way they did before a depressive episode struck is like getting mad at your dog for not being ice cream —–futile, frustrating, and kind of mean.

To continue engaging in a relationship you need to start speaking the same language and, as we’ve already established, your partner can’t speak yours right now.

One of the first things I taught my partner was the Spoon Theory. Created by Christine Miserandino (who I consider the patron saint of folks with chronic invisible ailments), the Spoon Theory gave my partner a concrete understanding of my limited physical, mental, and emotional resources, as well as a simple language with which to ask about them.

The other resource that we found most helpful in understanding the unique language around depression was, well, a video game! Seriously!

When I first played Depression Quest, I wept because I’d never felt so understood.

When my partner first played it, he called me, sounding shaken. He asked if it was accurate, if that’s really how it felt. I told him yes, and he admitted that depression was so much harder, scarier, and more frustrating than it looks from the outside. The word “dystopian” may even have been used…

Is Depression Quest’s story universal? No. Does it describe everyone’s depression? No.

Depression looks different from person to person and even from episode to episode, but I have never seen anything else evoke the feelings of depression the way that game does.

3. Let Each Other Know It’s OK to Be Wherever You Each Are — Often

Depression can turn us into people who don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. It can make us a person who gets angry easily. It can make us cry a lot…all the standard things people picture when they think “depression.”

What we don’t talk about as often is the excessive guilt and shame, which can both be a big part of the depression package.

When your partner feels like her or she is ruining your plans, not fun to be around, crying yet again, both may kick in.

Let your partner know that wherever he or she is at is okay and you still love and support your partner. Then repeat. A lot.

When your partner texts that he or she doesn’t want to go to the concert after all, a reply as simple as “I’ll miss you but I totally get it. Do you need me to bring you anything before I go?” makes all the difference in the world, because it lets your partner know it really is okay to be wherever he or she is.

20 Things You MUST Accept For Your Relationship To Succeed

4. Take Responsibility for Your Own Social Life

Jumping off that last one — sometimes your partner won’t want to go places when you do, and that’s okay.

We live in a world that is really intense about the whole “couples must do everything together” thing. I really don’t get this.

I was lucky heading into my last episode of depression, because I am an introvert in a long distance relationship with a pretty intense extrovert, so we were already used to socializing separately. However, for many people the “I can’t go places without my partner” mentality puts extra strain on relationships that involve someone dealing with depression.

This is especially true for partners who live together. It’s a recipe for resentment if the choice comes down to one of you forcing yourself to brave social events you don’t have the emotional capacity for or the other skipping events to stay home with while growing more and more resentful of missing out yet again.

The solution here is so simple, though: take responsibility for your own social life.

Don’t make everything you do contingent on whether or not your partner does it, wants to do it, or can commit to the plan three months in advance. (Spoiler alert: if someone is dealing with depression, he or she probably can’t).

Make the plans you want to make, let your partner know he or she is welcome to join but wherever your partner is, is okay (remember?), and then go have a social life.

This may sound like I’m telling you to go out and leave your depressed partner behind, but actually, I’m suggesting you simply take the social pressure off your partner by letting him or her know he or she is not responsible for your social happiness. You can still exist out in the world even if your partner is not up to it right now.

You may need to discuss this idea with your partner if separate socializing is new for you, but ultimately, this can lift a whole lot of strain off of you both of you and give you each much-needed self-care time.

5. Find a Support System for Yourself

This is a lot of work for one person and you are doing some serious heavy lifting in this relationship.

What about when you need to vent?

What about when you need someone to be your soft landing place and during a period of time when your partner just CANNOT do it?

How do you stop that from filling you with frustration and resentment?

Make sure you have your own support network. Hopefully your partner has a therapist, and you may want to consider one for yourself. Or maybe you have a really strong network of family and/or friends you can talk to. Maybe there’s just one person in your life who really gets it, or who even doesn’t understand it at all but with whom you can shut off you brain and do something else entirely.

Make sure you’re getting support too, because you need it, you deserve it, and no matter how much your partner may want to provide it for you, depression can make it near-impossible for him or her to do so at times.

Overall, when it comes to navigating depression together, think about what will make you each stronger. These ideas are all about standing in solidarity with your partner, validating your partner when he or she feels vulnerable, and ensuring support for yourself.

When we talk about depression and relationships, we tend to talk about frustration, anger, and confusion. I firmly believe getting on the same page with one another can remedy a whole lot of that, because I believe people have more capacity for empathy and mutual support than we give them credit for.

In short, I know you BOTH can do this.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 5 Things You MUST Do If Your Partner Suffers From Depression.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Depression, Relationship

3 Things You Might Be Neglecting in Your Relationship — and Tips to Help

May 18, 2016 by April Brown

Neglecting relationships and helpful tips

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
~ 3 min read

All relationships require care and tending. Anything that you want to thrive does. But in the midst of our fast-paced days and family obligations, we may neglect the very actions that are essential to building a beautiful union. Or maybe we miss these vital components because we never knew about them in the first place. After all, so many of us aren’t taught how to have healthy relationships. For instance, we assume that we’re listening to our spouses because, well, we can hear them. But hearing someone’s words and understanding them are two very different things.

Below are three things you might be neglecting to do in your relationship — along with some helpful suggestions from Shelly Hummel, LMFT, a Gottman certified therapist who has worked with couples for 18 years.

You might be neglecting to appreciate each other

How often do you thank your partner or tell her (or him) you appreciate her? How often do you greet her in the morning or when you walk in the door? Most of the time we don’t just neglect to be kind. But we forget good manners and common courtesy, even with the people we love most.

And yet, according to John Gottman, Ph.D, couples in happy marriages had a ratio of 20 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. As Hummel said, “that is 20 compliments to one complaint.” A number that might surprise you.

You can create positive interactions by expressing your appreciation to your partner. Hummel shared these examples: You might compliment your spouse’s great traits: “You are so good with the kids. They are lucky to have you as their father.” You might thank them for their help: “Thank you for picking up the dry cleaning. That saved me a lot of time today.”

Appreciating each other strengthens your friendship and intimacy, Hummel said. It also adds money to your “emotional bank account.” “This account needs to be as full as it can be when the inevitable happens, and the two of you have a conflict.”

You might be neglecting to really listen to each other

“Most people listen to respond, instead of listening to understand,” Hummel said. That is, as our spouse is talking, we’re not focusing on what he’s saying. We are formulating our response. We are formulating our argument, figuring out the points we want to challenge and gathering our evidence. When we hear something we disagree with or that triggers anger, we automatically get defensive.

Instead, Hummel encouraged readers “to postpone your agenda while your spouse is venting, complaining and yes, even nagging.” Hummel suggested getting curious and asking questions. Try to better understand your partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you agree with him. It means that you want to know what it’s like to be walking in his shoes.

“We’ve all had arguments that are so tangential that we can’t even remember what we were fighting about,” Hummel said. “This occurs because, in the end, we are really fighting about not feeling heard or understood.” And all of us want to be understood and validated.

You might be neglecting to fight fair

Many people assume that couples in happy relationships don’t fight. But that’s not true. In fact, “happy couples fight just as much and about the same things as unhappy couples, Hummel said. But there is a difference: It’s how they fight. Gottman found that couples whose conflicts regularly feature “The Four Horsemen” are at risk for divorce. These are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Hummel suggested accepting that discord is part of every marriage and learning to eliminate those four elements when you fight. In this piece on The Gottman Relationship Blog, writer Ellie Lisitsa shares antidotes to the four horsemen.

For instance, she writes that criticism is telling your partner: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.” The antidote is saying: “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?”

Defensiveness is saying: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.” The antidote is taking responsibility for your part. Here it’s saying: “Well, part of this is my problem, I need to think more about time.”

Contempt is everything from being sarcastic to rolling your eyes to spewing insults. The antidote is Hummel’s first tip: Regularly show your partner appreciation and respect.

Stonewalling is physically or emotionally withdrawing from the conversation. This piece shares suggestions on what to do when you’re the one who stonewalls or when your partner does.

Some of these tips are easier to implement than others. But either way, they’re certainly worth it. All relationships need work. And that’s a good thing. Because that’s when you as an individual and your relationship as a whole grow and flourish.

Goodluz/Bigstock

Filed Under: Uncategorized

What Self-Love Might Look Like for You

May 9, 2016 by April Brown

What Self-Love Might Look Like for You

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
Associate Editor
~ 1 min read

bigstock-Flowering-branch-with-white-de-96504278-e1462727105781

I’m ending the week with another piece on self-love. (Here are parts one and two.) Below are additional examples of what loving yourself might look like in your life. I personally love examples, because I’m always curious about real-life applications. I’m always curious what a concept looks like day to day—especially when we’re talking about something as big and abstract and unfamiliar as self-love.

Seeing a therapist for your anxiety or depression or something else you’re struggling with.
Keeping up with your doctor’s appointments.
Being intimate with someone who truly and genuinely cares about you.
Getting to know yourself better by journaling; pausing and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings; and taking yourself out on dates.
Taking the time to explore your dreams, and acting on those dreams, whether your dream is to live a slower, more intentional life or to write poetry or to travel the world or to go back to school or to start your own business. We take these dreams seriously, and we try to make them come true.
Being kind to your body, which might mean resting when you’re tired; hiring help to clean your home; participating in physical activities that make you feel alive; feeding your body delicious, nutrient-rich foods; and getting enough sleep.
Making decisions that support your soul, your health and well-being.
Standing up for yourself and being assertive (even when people intimidate you).
Letting yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, without judgement or criticism.
Accepting your body exactly as it is (which is certainly a process, just like self-love).
Forgiving yourself for the mistakes and poor decisions you’ve made in the past (instead of punishing and berating yourself).
Reminding yourself that you are human and fallible.
Surrounding yourself with supportive people and being selective about the people you spend most of your time with.
Being selective with how you spend your time in general: What do your days look like now? Do the activities support you? Are you getting enough rest? Would you rather skip certain tasks? Would you rather say no to some events? What would you like to say yes to?
Speaking compassionately to yourself, especially when you’re struggling.
Knowing you’re worthy. Knowing you matter. Knowing you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and care—and taking action from this deep knowing every day.

Again, loving ourselves is a daily process. We’ll have bad days, good days and better days. The key is to keep coming back to self-love, even when we lose our way, because we will. And that’s totally OK. Because this love is always available to us, within.

What does self-love look like for you day to day? What is your deep knowing?

Image credit: Rustle/Bigstockphoto.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Self-Esteem, Self-Love

The Number 1 Relationship Killer

April 18, 2016 by April Brown

#1 Relationship Killer & Therapy Can Help

#1 Relationship Killer & Therapy Can Help

By Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D.
~ 3 min read
When there’s a problem in a relationship, couples try to talk about it. If they can talk about in a way that resolves the problem, all is well. If they can’t talk about it in a way that resolves the problem, all is not well.

When they can’t talk about the problem successfully, it is usually because of one thing. They are trying to win. Wanting to win causes them to argue about the problem rather than discussing it in a calm and objective manner. They have a need to be right. The need to win is the one thing that is most likely to destroy a relationship.
“It’s you,” one partner will say to the other. “You are the cause of the problem. You just can’t see it.”

“No, it’s you,” the other partner will respond. “You’re wrong and you don’t want to admit it. All my friends agree with me.”

The need to win (the need to be right) is an aspect of narcissism. Narcissism is an outgrowth of insecurity. The more insecure we are, the more we need to compensate for that insecurity. We compensate by erecting a defensive shell. That defensive shell wants to protect us from being wrong, because being wrong would mean, in our unconscious mind, we are a total failure as a human being. Being right means we are successful; we are a human being who knows what is right and what is wrong.

Invariably when couples come to me for therapy, this is the underlying problem. It is an easy problem to detect. As soon as I hear them arguing in my office it becomes apparent. You might think that all I would need to do to help them solve the problem is to tell them that they are trying to win and this is the main obstacle to their having a successful relationship. But it is not that easy. They may respond, “Yes, you’re right, I’m trying to win,” but a week later they are arguing the same way. They are still trying to win. It is deeply ingrained in their character.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Relationship fighting

10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples

March 31, 2016 by April Brown

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
~ 4 min read

For some people, this is a truly radical idea: There is no need to fight with your partner. Ever. Accusations, recriminations, character assassination, threats, name-calling, and cursing, whether delivered at top volume or with a quiet sarcastic sneer, damage a relationship, often irrevocably. Nobody needs to be a monster or to be treated monstrously. Nobody who yells will ever be heard. In the heat of a moment, it is always a choice whether to go for a run or run your partner down.

On the other hand, no two people in the world, no matter how made for each other they feel, will ever agree about everything at all times. (It would be quite boring if they did.) Couples do need to be able to negotiate differences. They do need to have room for constructive criticism. They do need a way to assert opinions and to disagree. And they do need to have a way to express intense feelings (that the other person may not understand or support) without feeling that they will be judged as lacking for doing so.

A healthy relationship requires knowing the skills necessary for “friendly fighting” — dealing with conflict respectfully and working together to find a workable solution. Friendly fighting means working out differences that matter. It means engaging passionately about things we feel passionate about, without resorting to hurting one another. It helps us let off steam without getting burned. Friendly fighting lets us “fight” and still stay friends.

Couples in mature, healthy relationships seem intuitively to understand the notion of friendly fighting. Some people have been fortunate enough to grow up in families where their parents modeled how to disagree without being disagreeable. Others were so horrified by the way their folks treated each other that they refuse to repeat the behavior in their own relationships. Most couples, though, learn the art of friendly fighting by working it out together and supporting each other in staying in close relationship even when differences mystify, frustrate, and upset them. Most come up with stated or unstated rules for engagement that are surprisingly similar.

Below are some tips to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your marriage instead of harm it.

Ten rules for friendly fighting: or how to ensure that conflicts will strengthen your marriage instead of harm it.

Embrace conflict. There is no need to fear it. Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.
Go after the issue, not each other. Friendly fighting sticks with the issue. Neither party resorts to name calling or character assassination. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new problem of hurting each other’s feelings.
Listen respectfully. When people feel strongly about something, it’s only fair to hear them out. Respectful listening means acknowledging their feelings, either verbally or through focused attention. It means never telling someone that he or she “shouldn’t” feel that way. It means saving your point of view until after you’ve let the other person know you understand that they feel intensely about the subject, even if you don’t quite get it.
Talk softly. The louder someone yells, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your partner yells, there’s no need to yell back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issues instead of reacting to the noise.
Get curious, not defensive. Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence or rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.
Ask for specifics. Global statements that include the words “always” and “never” almost always get you nowhere and never are true. When your partner has complaints, ask to move from global comments of exasperation to specific examples so you can understand exactly what he or she is talking about. When you have complaints, do your best to give your partner examples to work with.
Find points of agreement. There almost always are parts of a conflict that can be points of agreement. Finding common ground, even if it’s agreeing that there is a problem, is an important start to finding a common solution.
Look for options. Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration. Careful consideration of options shows respect. Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something new.
Make concessions. Small concessions can turn the situation around. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. Small concessions lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re meeting each other exactly 50-50. Sometimes it’s a 60-40 or even 80-20 agreement. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.
Make peace. An elderly friend who has been married for 68 years tells me that she and her husband made a rule on their wedding day never to go to bed angry. They agreed from the outset that the relationship is more important than winning arguments. Sometimes this meant they stayed up very, very late until they came to a workable compromise. Sometimes it meant that one or the other of them decided the issue wasn’t really important enough to lose sleepover. Since they both value the marriage, neither one gave in or gave up most of the time. When one did give in or give up, the other showed appreciation and made a peace offering of his or her own. These folks still love each other after 68 years of the inevitable conflicts that come with living with another person. They are probably onto something.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

More Ways to Manage Racing Thoughts

September 6, 2015 by April Brown

Check out this great blog on managing racing thoughts by Tartakovsky and if you need assistance with managing your thoughts, please feel free to contact me.

Blog Post By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
Associate Editor
~ 2 min read

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Yesterday, I shared some suggestions from Sarahjoy Marsh’s book Hunger, Hope & Healing for decelerating racing thoughts and calming our minds and bodies. Because racing thoughts can steal our enjoyment. They can follow us into bed and onto the couch. They can boost our anxiety and sink our mood.

Today, I’m sharing other suggestions, because there are so many great tools out there. Most of the below tips are meditations or based on mindfulness, as these are powerful in creating calm and helping us refocus.

Listen to this “leaves on the stream” meditation. I love what the speaker says about the meditation’s purpose: “to notice a shift of looking from your thoughts to looking at your thoughts.” Because we don’t need to control or change our thoughts. We can simply observe them as they come and go naturally.
Think of your racing thoughts as a movie you’re watching.
Start narrating your every step. That is, to yourself, say exactly what you’re doing. For instance, if you’re trying to relax on the couch, you might say: “Right now, I’m sitting on the couch. I’m looking at the TV. I’m having a hard time concentrating on what I’m watching. My right arm is moving to the left to wrap a blanket over my entire body…” and so on.
Listen to this 18-minute meditation, which features bells, waves washing ashore and instructions to breathe in deeply and exhale fully.
Start doodling your racing thoughts. As the thoughts are swirling around your mind, draw them. Avoid writing down these thoughts or any words in general. Instead sketch shapes, patterns or any other images that arise as you’re observing your thoughts.
Read something really, really boring. Maybe this is a manual for your fridge or names in the phone book (remember those? :)).
Listen to classical music. Or listen to your favorite songs, and sing along.
Try this breathing meditation for slowing down and cultivating stillness.
Pick one thing to look at. Just one thing. Set your timer for 5 minutes and stare at it. Study it. This might be anything from a magazine to a print on your wall.
Make yourself something to eat that requires multiple steps, which really can be anything. Pause, and take the time to smell what you’re making. Focus your attention on your hands as they’re chopping or filling a pot with water. Pretend you’re making a food video, and every little step counts. Make it as conscious and deliberate as possible.
Watch a funny film or YouTube videos of your favorite comedian.
Picture yourself in the middle of a beautiful field. Your racing thoughts are thought bubbles, which surround you and more keep popping up. Picture yourself putting these thought bubbles in a huge box, and locking it up. Or picture the thought bubbles as balloons, which you pop with a needle one by one. As you do, they transform into beautiful splatters of paint. Create any visualization that works for you. You can even write the visualization down or record yourself saying it. Return to your visualization whenever your racing thoughts reappear.
Practice one of these three meditations for helping you calm your mind so you can fall asleep.

Racing thoughts are bothersome. They’re overwhelming. They’re frustrating. It’s easy to get caught up in the cycle, and the tapes your head is replaying.

However, know that you can stop the tapes or at least slow them down. You don’t have to join your thoughts on the highway as they race each other. You can find an exit and a quiet place to rest.

In some cases, the techniques you try on your own may not work. That’s OK. It might mean you need to see a therapist (especially if you’re struggling regularly). This way you can receive one-on-one support that specifically addresses your concerns. (You might start your searchhere.)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Benefits of Premarital Counseling & How to Find a Therapist

August 22, 2015 by April Brown

This is a great blog by Margarita Tartakovsky if you are thinking of getting married and premarital counseling.

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
~ 4 min read

Many people think premarital counseling is only for certain couples. That includes engaged couples who have relationship issues or who are required by their congregation to attend, said Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in premarital, newlywed and couples counseling.

However, any couple can benefit from premarital counseling. It can help couples who are about to get married, have been married for five years or fewer, are living together or will have a domestic partnership, said Victoria Brodersen, LMFTA, a psychotherapist who specializes in premarital counseling.

She suggested thinking of your relationship “as a piece of machinery” — “[E]ven those that run well require regular maintenance.”

The Benefits of Premarital Counseling

The goal of premarital counseling is to help couples navigate important questions about their lives together, said Hansen, who has a private practice in Newport Beach, Calif. Her premarital program consists of five sessions. Couples talk about the importance of marriage in their lives and what they’d like their marriage to look like.

Hansen often asks couples to describe in detail what they want their life to look like one year and five years after they’re married.

They also learn how to communicate and resolve conflict. They discuss hot button topics, such as money, sex, in-laws, parenting and religion, she said.

“By the end of the program, couples should have a more in-depth understanding of their partner and feel like they are starting their life and marriage on the same page.”

Premarital counseling helps couples better understand their own motivations for getting married, which might include building their own family, increasing their commitment to each other and creating a future together, Hansen said.

It also helps them recognize what they want from a partnership and identify their own needs, she said. For instance, a couple might realize that their needs are “to feel loved, valued, validated, heard, to have someone who is always there for them, to work together in life.”

Brodersen, who practices at Marriage and Family Therapy Services in Hickory, N.C., places a special emphasis on showing couples how unspoken expectations can get them into trouble. She helps them create an environment of understanding and safety. They define what sex means to them along with what they view as infidelity.

She also asks couples to consider their roles and division of labor in their household. She discusses getting enough sleep and rest. “One-third of their life will be spent in sleep so it is worth working on to help give the other two-thirds a firm foundation to start from.”

Reasons Couples Skip Counseling

Money is a big reason couples pass on premarital counseling (especially because of wedding costs). However, Hansen encourages couples to think of the long-term benefits. “The wedding is one day, but their marriage should be forever.”

Brodersen suggested couples call around, and ask about the costs before making any assumptions. She also suggested finding out if you can use your insurance benefits, or if therapists offer sliding fee scales or reduced rates.

The most affordable option, she said, is to get counseling from student therapists at a university clinic, which has a Marriage and Family Therapy program. “It also allows you to glean the knowledge of multiple therapists as those students are supervised by therapist professors that have years of experience and stay up-to-date on the most recent research.”

Another barrier is time. However, according to Hansen, “The key is to find a program or option that will work for you.” Today, she said, there are many options to choose from, including weekend retreats, programs with five 50-minute sessions and even home study programs that guide you through specific questions.

Probably the biggest obstacle is fear, Hansen said. This is twofold. Couples worry that going to counseling means there’s something wrong with their relationship. Hansen suggested reframing this perspective. “[R]emember that working on your relationship in the early phases will help keep it strong and healthy as you grow together.”

Hansen reminds couples about the benefits of focusing on what is and isn’t working in your relationship and learning helpful tools. Plus, going to counseling shows your commitment to your relationship, she said.

Couples also fear that talking about tough topics and exploring their relationship will create or trigger serious conflict. According to Hansen, “it is better to delve into these issues in counseling so that you have a professional who can help you make sense of any issues and learn how to work through them.”

The conversations or conflicts you avoid will only creep up later and might cause bigger problems, she said.

Hansen likens it to catching an illness in its early stages and getting it treated right away, while it’s still mild. If you ignore the illness, you’ll likely need more intensive or invasive treatment later on, she said.

Picking a Therapist

To find a good premarital counseling program, Hansen suggested asking your friends or the person marrying you for referrals. “Often officiants and clergy offer these services, but it can still be beneficial to receive these services with a psychologist or someone trained in marital dynamics.”

Brodersen suggested searching online for marriage and family therapists in your area who discuss premarital counseling on their websites. Hansen also noted that you want premarital counseling to be a regular part of the therapist’s practice. This helps “to ensure that they recognize and understand what you and your fiancé are going through and what you need to discuss to start your marriage off right.”

“If your religion is central to the relationship, call and ask if the therapist can incorporate that into the sessions,” Brodersen said. “Most are happy to do this, regardless of their own religious orientations.”

Pick a therapist that both of you feel comfortable working with, she said. Also, make sure they’re staying in the community.

“Establishing a relationship with this therapist should be like selecting your family physician,” Brodersen said. “You will initially see them for premarital therapy, but as issues come up you want to be able to get in again and pick up where you left off.”

Seeing the same therapist as your marriage and family grows and changes provides you with stability, she said. It also leads you to seek help at the first sign of trouble instead of waiting until things may get worse.

Premarital counseling offers many benefits. As Hansen said, “Every engaged couple wants to have a long, healthy, happy marriage and starting it out by having important conversations about the life you are going to build together, learning how to improve your communication skills, and working together to create your ideal marriage is a great thing.”

Filed Under: Uncategorized

8 signs You May Be Having An Emotional Affair

August 17, 2015 by April Brown

Photo by couscouschocolat

This is a blog worth reading about emotional affairs and if you are struggling with this issue, please consider contacting Fort Myers Relationship Therapist – Dr. April Brown

By Donna M. White, LPC/I, CACI
~ 2 min read
Infidelity is not as taboo as it used to be and it’s definitely become easier to hide. From workplace relationships to internet encounters, it is not a surprise that emotional affairs seem to be on the rise. Many people spend more hours in the workplace than at home, and as a result, working relationships are more likely to turn into friendships. The internet and social media provide us with the ability to be more social, with less attention. Social media can often hide our best kept secrets.

Most emotional affairs start as simple friendships. Many never intend for those friendships to become anything more than just that. However, there is a thin line between friendships and emotional affairs; and emotional affairs often lead to sexual encounters.

Even when these affairs do not cross the line sexually, the effects can be just as damaging, if not more. The intimacy involved in emotional affairs can often have a level of intensity deeper than a sexual affair because we are more emotionally invested. If you think you may be having an emotional affair or are not quite sure, here are eight signs that indicate you may be crossing the line.

Contact outside of “friendly” hours. If you find yourself communicating at questionable hours, this may be a sign. Most friends don’t text at 2am.
You talk about the difficulties in your current relationship. You may have a close friend or two that you share your frustrations about your partner with. However, if you find yourself sharing all of your problems and concerns with this “special person”, you may be crossing the line.
He/she dominates your thoughts. You think about him/her when you wake up, when you fall asleep, and mostly anytime in between. It’s important to remember that most affairs don’t start off in the bedroom, they start in the mind.
He/she becomes the first person you call. You get some exciting news or you’ve had an awful day. Who do you call first, him/her or your partner?
He/she “gets” you. You’re treading on thin ice when you start to feel like he/she understands better than your partner. This usually leads to increased communication with him/her and less communication with your partner. We are more likely to communicate with someone who we feel “gets” us than someone who does not.
Spending more time with him/her. If you find yourself finding excuses or creating more reasons to spend time with him/her, this may be a sign. However, spending more time does not just mean physical time. If you are spending more time texting, emailing, or video chatting, this may be a sign as well.
You start comparing your partner to him/her. Do you ever find yourself talking to your partner and you think to yourself, “he/she wouldn’t respond like this” or “he/she would be more attentive?” Are you often out with your partner and think, “if I were with him/her, I’d be having more fun?” This type of thinking is dangerous because it aut0matically makes him/her the good one and your partner the bad one.
You lie. Yes, lying by omission counts. So whether you leave out meeting him/her for lunch, deleting messages from your phone, or you just deny communicating with him/her at all – a lie is a lie. If you have to lie, chances are you have something to hide; and if you have something to hide, chances are you know it’s not okay.
If you think are having an emotional affair, it may be time to evaluate your relationships.

For more resources on ending an emotional affair, contact Fort Myers Relationship Therapist -Dr. April Brown.

Photo by couscouschocolat

Filed Under: Uncategorized

By JoEllen Notte for YourTango.com ~ 6 min read

1. Get On Your Partner’s Team

2. Create a Common Language

3. Let Each Other Know It’s OK to Be Wherever You Each Are — Often

4. Take Responsibility for Your Own Social Life

5. Find a Support System for Yourself

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. Associate Editor ~ 3 min read

What Self-Love Might Look Like for You

Image credit: Rustle/Bigstockphoto.com

Blog Post By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS Associate Editor ~ 2 min read

The Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Reasons Couples Skip Counseling

Picking a Therapist

Got Questions?Send a Message!

By JoEllen Notte for YourTango.com
~ 6 min read

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
~ 3 min read

Blog Post By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
Associate Editor
~ 2 min read

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