The 3 Most Dangerous Things to Say in a Relationship

Almost every relationship article mentions the Big C: Communication. But what if your words are doing more harm than good?

Language is a powerful force, and what you say to your partner on impulse could be doing a great deal of damage. Here are the top three most dangerous phrases to let slip from your lips.

1. “You Always… You Never…”

The classic communication killer. Nothing is more guaranteed to aggravate your partner than to hear this kind of sweeping generalization. The problem with “You always…” “You never…” is that it’s so easy to let slip in the heat of the moment, and what your partner hears is, “You’re useless. You always disappoint me.” Even if it’s over something as trivial as doing the dishes.

You may be frustrated, and simply wanting to make a point, but what the other person hears is an attack on his or her very character. That hurts. Lines of communication clamp shut with a vengeance. Your partner will automatically become defensive and is unlikely to really hear another word you utter.

Hyperbolic criticism like this only serves to push your loved one away and won’t get you any closer to having your needs met.

What to say instead:

“I feel ‘x’ when you do/don’t do ‘x’… How can we sort this out?”

“I really appreciate it when you do ‘x’.”

As you see, starting with “I” rather than “You” is often a good start! Beginning with “I” turns your words from a blanket accusation into an invitation to talk, and to come to a resolution.

2. “I don’t care.”

This is a no-brainer. Your relationship is based on caring, so why sabotage it with this thoughtless phrase? To say “I don’t care” in any context — I don’t care what we have for dinner, I don’t care that the kids are fighting, I don’t care where we go later — automatically implies a lack of emotional investment in the other person, and in your shared life.

The most important predictor of a long-lasting relationship, according to John Gottman, is quite simply whether or not couples regularly perform simple acts of kindness, such as showing interest when the what each other has to say. If your partner makes a bid for your attention and you react with “I don’t care” (either spoken or implied) — it’s going to inflict damage.

What to say instead:

Pretty much anything, as long as it conveys interest and involvement in whatever your partner wants to share with you!

3. “Never mind… it doesn’t matter.”

Of course, there will be times when you genuinely mean this. But too often we use these words in a dismissive sense, eg. “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself,” or “No point talking about it!”

Both phrases in this sense imply that you are rejecting your partner’s input, deliberately shutting her or him out. It can also be passive aggressive — trying to make an implied point about your partner’s behavior, or attitude, rather than having a frank and upfront conversation.

What to say instead:

“I would really love to get your input on ‘x’…”

“I’m in a tight spot here, please can you help me out?”

Don’t forget to say “thank you!” Such a small thing, but those two words make all the difference. Unsurprisingly, couples who thank each other regularly feel more supported and appreciated, helping them to get through periods of tension when they do arise.

No doubt, we all have times when our partners frustrate and annoy us. Expressing that frustration might just seem like speaking your mind, or being honest. But often, it’s just not constructive.

Ask yourself, “Is this a real issue or just a passing annoyance?” If the answer is the former, try to use neutral, constructive language that focuses on actions rather than character, and avoids placing blame.

That doesn’t mean you should watch every word you say, all the time. But more sensitivity around hurtful phrases goes a long way. And making the effort to reinforce your love with positive phrases — “Thank you,” “I love you” — is worth it a hundredfold.

Introduction of ADHD and Anxiety

In my previous article, I discussed the correlation between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Depression.  I will discuss the correlation between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Anxiety and the symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder.  I will also list various scales for diagnosing Anxiety Disorders.

ADHD And Anxiety

According to ADDitudeMag.com, the following can be stated about the correlation between ADHD and Anxiety:

One study found that 27 percent of children with ADHD had more than one anxiety disorder compared to 5 percent of non-ADHD children.  Other studies find that anywhere from 20 to 30 percent of individuals with ADHD will struggle with a clinical anxiety disorder in their lifetime.

Having ADHD itself can cause lots of stress.  Executive functioning issues affect every part of a person’s life.  Disorganization, time mismanagement, procrastination, and frustration over failed intentions create a state of anxiety for ADHD individuals.  Learning disabilities, which affect 50 to 60 percent of students with ADHD, are highly associated with academic anxiety.

Getting a proper diagnosis for an anxiety disorder can be tricky, given that many symptoms mimic ADHD or are seen as related to ADHD.  A physical examination should be conducted to rule out any other medical condition.  You should report any medications or their side effects that cause anxiety.  In addition, your doctor should inquire about the following to make a correct diagnosis.

What Are The Symptoms Of An Anxiety Disorder?  According to ADDitudeMag.com, the following represent the symptoms associated with an Anxiety Disorder:

• Persistent Worry
• Physical Symptoms
• Sleep
• Irrational Fears
• Avoidance
• Attention And Focus
• Dealing With Change

What Are Clinical Scales For Diagnosing Anxiety Disorders?

Clinical scales can also be used to diagnose Anxiety Disorders.  According to ADDitudeMag.com, they include the following scales:

• SCID-5
• Yale Brown Obsessive-Compulsive Scale (Y-BOCS) for OCD symptoms
• Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale
• Beck Anxiety Inventory
• Revised Children’s Manifest Anxiety Scale

Also, on an even further note, according to ADDitudeMag.com, “No assessment measure is empirically perfect, and none is a substitute for a comprehensive clinical interview and physical examination.  Knowledge is power.”  Always remember this!

Conclusion

To conclude this article, this article has provided readers with the correlation between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Anxiety Disorders.  In addition, it has also listed the symptoms associated with an Anxiety Disorder.  On a final note, this article has provided readers with several clinical scales for diagnosing Anxiety Disorders.

It’s January. You’re back to work and the kids are back to school. It’s time to put a routine in place that supports mental health and wellness.

Many of us plan to set up new routines and develop good habits in January. January feels like a fresh start, so it’s the natural time to recalibrate our habits.

Make your mental health a priority.

In my last post, I encouraged you to make your mental health a priority this year. So, let’s get specific and talk about how to structure your daily or weekly schedule to set yourself up for optimal mental health.

Routine makes life easier

When you set and keep a routine, it’s easier to make healthy choices. You don’t need to spend a lot of time and energy deciding what to do when you’ve created healthy habits to guide you.

Routines also reduce stress. They’re comforting because you can count on certain things getting done.

Right about now you might be thinking structure and good habits sound really boring and they take a lot of discipline. A routine doesn’t sound like fun! Well, a routine does take work to set in place…. but when you realize that your improved mental health will repay you many times over, you will hopefully decide you’re worth the effort.

And structure isn’t as confining as it seems. Structure is actually liberating when you realize that it frees up your time and energy for the things that matter most.

What is a routine that supports good mental health?

I hope this post will give you some ideas about how to create a routine that supports emotional health, but please remember that we’re all different and have individual needs. You first need to know yourself well enough to recognize what will work for you. For example, if you’re a night owl or an introvert, you need to create a routine that takes those traits into account.

I suggest creating a routine that includes these components:

• A set bedtime and wake-up time. Try to keep the same bedtime and wake time every day of the week if possible. This makes it easier to fall asleep at night and wake-up in the morning. If you tend to put off going to bed, try setting a bedtime alarm (By the way, the iPhone now has this feature). Also, be sure your morning wake-up time allows enough time so you aren’t starting the day already late and stressed. Learn more here.
• A healthy breakfast. Breakfast seems to set the tone for the day. Eating early and nutritiously sets you up with energy and for healthy eating during the rest of the day.
• Time to blow off steam. What do you do to decrease stress? Whether it’s meditation or exercise or journaling, make a daily habit of doing something proactively to manage your stress.
• Exercise. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to take care of your mental well being. Decide when you’re going to exercise and then get it on your calendar. Try to get in a little every day – the gym after work, or a walk at lunch, or riding your bike to the store. Learn more here.
• Taking medications at the same time daily. Consistency with your medication serves as a reminder to take them and keeps them working properly.
• Prioritize your to-do list. Sometimes I just want to get some of the quick and easy items knocked off my list and I’ll do those first. The problem is that these may not actually be priorities. Do the most important thing first (not what’s hardest, or easiest, or quickest).
• Appreciate what’s good in your life. Many people like to keep a gratitude journal where they list five or ten things they’re grateful for before going to bed. You could also create a practice of noting five things before you get out of bed in the morning or while you’re in the shower. Keep it simple.
• Adequate sleep. You know you feel better when you’re well rested. Adequate sleep can help you regulate your mood, stay focused, utilize healthy coping skills, and decrease stress hormones. Getting enough sleep also means you can rely less on caffeine, which can mess with your moods. Learn more here.
• Fun and simple pleasures. That’s right, your routine also needs things you do for pleasure every single day. We all have our own ideas about what’s fun, so be sure your routine also includes things that make you happy. Just be sure that what you’re doing for pleasure is healthy; sorry, this isn’t a loophole for drinking a six-pack every night! Read more here.
• Build and enjoy your relationships. Make time for the people who matter to you. Family dinner is an excellent place to start. A regular date night with your spouse and coffee with friends can also be good routines to develop.

How do you fit all of this into your schedule?

This may look like a big list of things to do. It isn’t meant to overwhelm you.

Many of the items can be grouped together. For example, I connect with a girlfriend and exercise simultaneously when we go on our weekly walk.

If you’re going add things to your schedule, you may need to subtract other things. This might come in the form of setting boundaries and saying “no” to things that aren’t priorities and/or don’t support your well-being. It can also be spending less time on mindless activities that don’t really solve a problem or fill your emotional tank.

Also, remember that following a routine will save you time.  You’ll be more efficient. You’ll have more energy.

The most important thing to remember about creating a routine to support your mental health is that it’s a work in progress. You don’t have to add all of these things to your routine this week. Start where you are and add one healthy habit to your routine at a time. If you don’t keep to the routine perfectly, that’s fine. Self-forgiveness is also good for your mental health!

6 Ways to Create (and Keep) New Year’s Resolutions in 2017

Taking a good, hard look at daily behavior is the key to setting realistic self-improvement goals.

The early Babylonians believed that what people did on the first day of the year affected what they did for the rest of that year. Many of us see the New Year as a perfect opportunity to start over or to change bad habits.

According to several surveys, the most popular resolutions people make are related to health and fitness (eating better, losing weight, and exercising), reducing consumption of alcohol, caffeine, quitting smoking, and becoming more financially responsible by promising to spend less and save more.

Unfortunately, over 70 percent of resolutions are broken by the end of January, and this can leave a person feeling discouraged and even more despondent than before.

Resolutions are complicated, and being able to achieve them usually requires taking a hard look at our thoughts and behaviors. Setting goals keeps us on track, but stamping out old habits is difficult, and may even require the help of a professional.

Compulsive and repeated behaviors such as overeating, overspending, and regularly drinking more than intended can be the result of an underlying anxiety and/or mood disorder. For example, some people may overeat as a means of coping with a troubled marriage or some other distressing life situation. Others may overspend because they are depressed and feel happier when they are shopping.

Examining and treating these underlying psychological issues will not only help us to understand why we continue to engage in negative behaviors, but also help us develop a plan for achieving long-term change.

Striving for self-improvement and setting goals for ourselves gives us a sense of hope for the future. Be sure to make your goals a priority, be specific, and work at them daily.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

Below are six tips to help you stick to your New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Your goal should be specific. Make your goal concrete, and if necessary, break it down into smaller steps. For example, if your resolution is to consume fewer carbohydrates, resolve to eat carbohydrates only at one meal per day rather than resolving to eliminate carbohydrates entirely. Once you are successful, begin to decrease your consumption further.
2. Write your resolution down and put it somewhere where you can see it on a daily basis. This will help you to stay focused.
3. Hold yourself accountable by letting others know about your resolution.
4. Have coping strategies in place to deal with obstacles that may arise along the way.  For example, if your goal is to drink less alcohol you may consider skipping parties or events that involve a lot of drinking or bring a sober friend along to provide you with support and to help keep you on track.
5. Reward yourself at each milestone; if you resolve to spend less money; reward yourself by getting a massage instead of going shopping. It is important to be conscious of the rewards you chose.
6. Ask for help. Try to be open to seeking professional help when needed. Knowing when to ask for help takes a great deal of courage, strength and wisdom.

What resolutions have you made for the New Year? Can you suggest some strategies that may help others to keep their resolutions? Please share how you have been successful in keeping resolutions in the past or what obstacles have hindered your success.

VALIDATION: The Relational Skill that Softens Defenses

Ever found yourself caught in a difficult dialogue with someone (maybe even with yourself), where emotions were escalating, and reasoning not helping? It can feel like a futile battle as you try everything to stomp out the flickering flames of emotion before a brush fire takes hold!

You try to focus on the positive, examine the pros and cons, problem solve for solutions, justify and rationalize, explain, compare, ANYTHING to get the emotions to CALM DOWN! So, does it work?

The unsatisfying answer is .. sometimes. The question is, why doesn’t it work all the time?

Because, when emotions get intense, or are linked to old passengers from past experience, the skill needed to defuse that trigger is radically counter intuitive. The skill you need is Validation.

Reasoning Works Sometimes

One of the most natural autopilot reactions to strong emotions is to use reasoning to sooth the distress.

We reassure, “It will be okay.”

Minimize; “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Seek evidence to the contrary; “But there were all these things (listing the items) that show your worries are not founded.”

Or just plain old deny, “Nope, not true.”

Again, sometimes these methods can work to remind the other person (or ourselves) about the accurate facts (rather than thoughts) and thus contain an escalating emotion. With day to day small annoyances, or matters that are not so important to us, this change based approach works just fine.

Why Reasoning Doesn’t Work

Can you recall a time when you wanted someone to understand something important to you, but it just didn’t feel like they were hearing you? If you know this frustration, you also know that your impulse is usually to react in some version of two alternatives.

Either we amplify our argument (people yell when they don’t feel heard). Or we shut down and give up (a behavior will stop if it is not reinforced). Neither of these produces skillful communication.

So you know from your own experience that when a communication feels important, efforts from the other party to dissuade or reason away your emotions are not effective. Their efforts may momentarily silence you, but they have not truly changed your viewpoint and feelings.

Validation as the Skillful Alternative:

Validation is the lubricant for skillful communication. Done correctly, it is an action of acknowledgment of the presence of difficult internal experiences (in yourself or someone else), without trying to change how they feel.

The Validation skill is an active practice similar to the Willingness Skill exercise in this Skill Clip, where we learned from experience that fighting emotions only makes them stronger. In today’s skill we access the emotion using our non-judgmental thinking skill to kindly honor the emotion/feelings.

Validation is NOT agreement. *

Often when first learning how to validate another’s perspective clients naturally react with “Wait a second, how can I validate something that I so utterly disagree with?!” So, it is essential to know what Validation is NOT:

Validation is NOT:

• It is NOT agreeing.
• It is NOT cheerleading. (e.g. “Great job!” or “You can do it”)
• It is NOT approval.

Remember: Validation is finding a place where it makes sense that the other person is feeling how they feel, or thinking what they are thinking.

The Practice:

The key to using this skill effectively is to throw yourself all into being curious about where the emotion is coming from, so you may find a genuine place from which to non-judgmentally validate it.

Step I: Notice your own reaction.

When you begin to feel the creeping feelings of judgment that someone (or yourself) is having strong emotions. The judgment may be causing feelings of anger/frustration or even anxiety to grow. When this happens, practice…

Step II: Be Compassionately Curious.

Ask yourself, could this heightened emotion be due to:

1. The person’s BIOLOGY at the moment?
   1. Biology shifts from moment to moment, day to day, season to season, it is not a static thing
   2. Biology may be influenced by shifting hormones, recent substance use, lack of sleep, poor diet and exercise, illness, etc.
2. ANYONE would feel that way?
   1. Some situations would cause anyone to experience strong emotions. (e.g. a recent death, loss, threat or stressor)
3. The person’s HISTORY?
   1. Could the topic or situation be sensitive to this person related to their passengers from past experience?

I use the acronym BAH to help my clients remember what to validate.

Step III: Compassionately Reframe the Judgments.

Within any of these three possibilities, find the grain of truth where you may truly find compassion for the person’s strong feelings. Sometimes this is not so easy to do, as when we believe someone is being unreasonable. When this happens, we can practice validation by asking the person to explain better where they are coming from (e.g. “Help me understand.”).

Step IV: Communicate Understanding. Communicate this understanding in both what you say and how you say it!

1. Use body language: Lean in, maintain eye contact (no eye rolling!).
2. Kind voice tone: The tone of our voice often has more impact on others than anything we are saying. Make sure there is no sarcasm or harshness in your tone.
3. Express verbally: Say “I can understand why you feel this way.” Or “It makes sense from your view point.”

Notice How YOU Feel.

As with all of our skills, you are likely to notice that you feel differently in your body when you let go of struggling. This skill is no different. When we offer compassion and validation to another, we are letting go of being ‘right’ in the service of being effective.

At the end of the day, it is not really for them, but for our self. When we practice, we both let go of carrying the tension of judgment inside us and set the stage for more effectively getting our needs met.

Imagine how much more smoothly difficult communications could be negotiated if we were all skillful rather than reacting out of autopilot from past experience!

If you found this skill helpful, I hope you will share it with others who might benefit. If you have questions about how to be skillful in your life, I hope you will send me a message in the comments section! Or sign up for the new Mindful-Mastery Skill Clips on Youtube,SKILL WEEKLY newsletter, or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

* These concepts are adapted from Marsha Linehan (1993)

Study Finds CBT Best Therapy for IBS

Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a painful and sometime debilitating condition that affects roughly one adult in 10. Previous studies have found that, on average, psychotherapy is just as effective as medications in reducing the severity of symptoms of this gastrointestinal disorder.

Although experts initially believed the type of psychotherapy used for the condition did not matter, a new study suggests one particular type of therapy is the most effect.

Specifically, psychologists at Vanderbilt University reviewed different types of psychotherapy to determine which is best at improving the ability of IBS patients to participate in daily activities. They found that one form — cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) — was the best at enhancing a person’s ability to perform normal activities.

“Evaluating daily function is important because it distinguishes between someone who experiences physical symptoms but can fully engage in work, school, and social activities and someone who cannot,” said Kelsey Laird, a doctoral student in Vanderbilt’s clinical psychology program.

Laird is the first author of the study which appears online in the journal Clinical Psychology Review.

Co-authors are Emily Tanner-Smith, Ph.D., a research associate and Professors Lynn S. Walker, Alexandra C. Russell, and Steven Hollon.

The authors analyzed 31 studies, which provided data for over 1,700 individuals who were randomly assigned to receive either psychotherapy or a control condition such as support groups, education, or wait-lists.

Overall, those who received psychotherapy showed greater gains in daily functioning compared to those assigned to a control condition.

However, individuals assigned to receive cognitive behavior therapy or CBT experienced larger improvements than those who received other types of therapy.

Researchers note that CBT is an umbrella term for a number of different therapies, each of which is based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, physiology, and behavior are interrelated.

Treatments are designed to help people develop alternative ways of thinking and behaving with the goal of reducing psychological distress and physiological arousal.

The authors speculate that the greater improvement observed in patients who received CBT may be due to the fact that treatments often incorporate “exposure:” a technique in which individuals gradually expose themselves to uncomfortable situations.

For someone with IBS, this could include long road trips, eating out at restaurants, and going places where bathrooms are not readily accessible.

“Encouraging individuals to gradually confront such situations may increase their ability to participate in a wider range of activities,” said Laird.

“But more research is needed before we can say why CBT appears more effective for improving functioning in IBS compared to other therapy types.”

Source: Vanderbilt University

Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Today

It’s clear that people from every socio-economic status have experienced one or more life events that have caused emotional trauma, thus creating PTSD. It’s not just a “veteran’s ailment,” and PTSD is gaining needed recognition in the psychotherapeutic healing community.

PTSD can be caused by childhood trauma, financial disasters, recession, loss of employment, loss of a relationally close family member, divorce, loss of home, sudden shift in life responsibilities such as having to be a primary caretaker for an elderly family member, physical and chronic pain, loss of health, or many other scenarios. These chaotic shifts create what neuroscientists are recently exploring in the brain, including cerebral atrophy and loss of gray matter. So becoming aware of PTSD symptoms can be helpful to a person struggling to understand how to seek treatment.

Do you experience one or more of the following symptoms?

• Wandering of the mind, lack of focus, low memory recollection, especially short-term memory.
• Flip-flopping with decision making.
• Loss of confidence and trusting your own instincts.
• Staying on the surface instead of going deep enough, since it feels too difficult to follow through to the end of a thought process.
• Limited physical energy; feel exhausted even after small tasks.
• Limited mental capacity.
• Social anxiety.
• Sometimes not being able to separate reality from imagination.
• Starting something but not able to finish it.
• Waking up often at night, fitful sleep.
• Lethargy – physical and/or mental.
• Hopelessness, despair, depression.
• Addictive behavior as a form of escape.
• Making poor choices that generate shame instead of making good choices to alleviate it.
• Having to lie to someone because you don’t want the shame of saying you’re too tired, you don’t remember, or you can’t think deeply enough right now.
• Confusion at why you are experiencing this “brain fog” or “shell shock.”
• Simple things feel laborious and heavy to get through.
• Feel self-loathing because you aren’t able to accomplish what you used to be able to do.
• Feel like you have lost control and not able to decide things quickly or at all.
• Overly protective of personal life and only sharing with safe people who don’t judge you.
• Feeling as though you’ve slipped from normal functioning to “survival mode.”

It’s very important to understand that experiencing co-occurring disorders as depression and anxiety can be a result of PTSD, so instead of quickly relying on a clinician to prescribe an anti-depressant, know that there are better ways to recover. Medications serve only as a band-aid, suppressing areas of the brain and don’t rewire and heal it. In some cases medications are warranted but they are not a long-term solution and many therapists see them as the “easy solution” instead of encouraging their clients to do cognitive repair work themselves.

Two very successful approaches that have been found to aid in trauma recovery are Self-Care techniques and Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).

These can be done yourself after a few sessions with a good psychotherapist who is familiar with both. In many cases, recovery isn’t immediate, especially if you are dealing with a constant or increasing level of chaos. Yet integrating both of these recovery tactics into your life will lead to marked improvements in your capacity to deal with the stressors. Self-care has been shown to increase the gray matter in your brain, better equipping and strengthening it. CBT is a tremendous tool for becoming self-aware and will aid in brain recovery, since you are changing the way you are thinking and responding to the stressors. You will see yourself recalibrating back to what you know as more “normal” for you, and even small shifts in thinking brings great relief.