Narcissism, a term we hear but what exactly does it mean? The definition of a narcissist is “a person who has excessive interest or pleasure, or admiration of themselves.” In other words, someone who is self-centered, unwilling to admit fault, lacks empathy, and struggles to make emotional connections. How one develops this personality trait stems from several different factors including childhood trauma, being raised by a narcissistic parent, feeling the need to manipulate situations to meet their own needs, just to name a few. When dealing with a narcissist, there are certain behavioral patterns that they exhibit that can be abusive and toxic to a relationship, also known as the “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse”.

Here are 4 characteristics of the narcissistic abuse cycle: 

1. Feels threatened: an upsetting event occurs the narcissist feels threatened, the abused becomes nervous and begins to walk on “eggshells”
2. Abuses Others: in order to intimidate, the narcissist will engage in some sort of abuse (mental, physical, verbal, physical, sexual, financial) to intimidate. The abused will eventually get tired and fight back.
3. Becomes the victim: the narcissist will bring up abused defense behaviors as a form of abuse to create this image of self-victimization causing the abused to feel remorse and guilt.
4. Feels empowered: the victim’s feelings of remorse and guilt, enables the narcissist behavior, causing them to feel superior. This cycle is a very toxic and emotionally/mentally draining one. It is very important to develop boundary setting skills to begin to break free from this cycle. 

If you find yourself identifying with this cycle of abuse, there is still hope to break free from this toxic relationship cycle. Connecting with a therapist can help you to identify these patterns of behaviors and learn to develop the necessary tools to set boundaries, find your voice, and build the confidence to break free. 

– Written by Jessica Sagastume. LMHC, NCC, FL Family Mediator

I love counseling.  It’s like walking in your shoes, living out your experience.  Not only do I learn about you and your challenges, I also feel some of what you feel.  I get to see some of your worst moments. I vicariously feel your fear, loneliness, and confusion.

Forgive me for this comparison.  I use it only to give you a clearer picture of what can happen in a counseling session.  …  Have you been to Disney World, ridden on a roller coaster, walked through the Haunted House?  When I hear your story I am taking a ride in your experience, your life, your trauma and pain.  I am not doing this in order to entertain myself.  This ride, your ride, is sometimes scary, dark, and completely disorganized. I take this seriously.

Counseling is about sharing experience, and about understanding it on an emotional level.  It is not just the story; it’s what you feel.  In our profession, we call that empathy. …Empathy requires the ability to communicate, to see and hear what you feel.  I don’t want you to feel alone in your emotional experience.  Good counseling requires the ability to communicate on this intimate level, for you to be understood on the deepest level possible, and for me to communicate that understanding.

In the counseling office we create a setting that is conducive to this kind of communication.  It is quiet, private, comfortable, uninterrupted.  We use soft voice tones, subdued lighting.  We make eye contact and sometimes we lean in, focusing on what you are saying and feeling.  Do we lose these elements when we go to online counseling?

When Covid began, in the winter of 2020, I stopped seeing clients in the office.  I am old and fat, with heart disease, etc.  I am not sitting in a room breathing someone else’s air.  Just sayin’. …  So, I went to online counseling only, and I am still using this method – online streaming communication.  There were some surprises for me when I did this.

I had clients I had seen for months and for years in the office.  Within three weeks of going online, three clients had  good breakthroughs  I was astonished when I realized that I was reading their emotions more accurately.  In the office the lighting was dim and we sat eight to twelve feet apart.  Online there was standard room lighting, and the visual distance between us is about two to three feet.  Visually we were closer.  Empathy was better, not worse.

There are other considerations.  Neither the client, nor the counselor have to hassle traffic on the way to the office.  No one waits in a waiting room.  We are both comfortable in our home environment.  We are more relaxed, and relaxation leads to more authenticity.  You get to be yourself, in your own home.

There are a few precautions for online counseling.  Please, do not use a telephone screen on your end.  You need a larger visual presence of your counselor.  Like watching a movie, a bigger screen and better sound help you to focus and to feel present in the scene.  Make sure you have good bandwidth and up to date software.  Make sure that you will not be interrupted in the session.  Having the kids in the other room will not do – someone else should be watching them.  They will interrupt if they are able.  Minimize distractions.  You need to focus on a deeper emotional level.

Online counseling is very effective, and can be as good or even better than counseling in the office.  The key elements are privacy, your ability to focus (screen size helps here), and the caring attitude that you share with your counselor.

-Written by David Hall, LMHC

When you catch your reflection as you walk past the grocery store window, there are three common reactions. The “I look good,” the “keep walking, I have places to be,” and the “oh… that’s what I look like?”

I can almost guarantee that everyone has experienced all three of these reactions. And while the last reaction can help someone make healthy choices, it can also lead someone down a dangerous and self-destructive path. Ultimately, the last reaction is what we want to avoid. That doesn’t mean avoiding all reflective surfaces, but rather sitting with ourselves and our bodies until there is a love and appreciation of where we are.

A great place to start on the self-love journey is to find parts of yourself that you already enjoy. They can be physical and non-physical. Once you’ve identified those parts of yourself, like your eyes, your cheeks, your unwavering bravery, write affirmations based on those parts. When these affirmations are said daily, those identified parts begin to be the first things you see when you look in the mirror.

Another great way to cultivate self-love is to sit with your body and not criticize it. Meditate by yourself, look at your body, and thank it for everything it does for you. It keeps your heart beating, it keeps your eyes blinking, it carries you everywhere you go. Your body takes a beating as you go through your routine. Make you give it the appreciation it deserves.

An important step in self-love is to not compare yourself to others. This may mean unplugging from social media for some time. Sites like Instagram are full of Photoshopped and airbrushed pictures, and the constant stream of eerily perfect people has effects on our subconscious. Recognize that the pictures you see every day more than likely are edited to some degree and continue to remind yourself of it. Eventually, the impossible-to-achieve standard you set for yourself will become realistic and obtainable.

The alignment between our mind and body is incredibly important, but is rarely taught. It takes active steps to achieve that alignment. Take those steps and begin your journey.

If you need some help with self-love, get the Intimacy Journal from Bringing Intimacy Back. The weekly prompts will help you reflect on your journey of becoming intimate with yourself.

Have you seen the videos of irate customers giving flack to employees? Seeing those outrageous displays makes me think about how people have become so quick to anger. I think “Jeez, I’m glad I’m not as negative as them.”

But recently I’ve been noticing that I have a shorter fuse too. While I don’t raise my voice or throw things, I tap my foot in frustration and think “Come on, I need to go!” After doing some self-reflection, I heard how I needed to readjust my attitude loud and clear.

I heard God say to me, “How would you like it if I treated you like that when you hurt me?”

God is incredibly patient with us. When we stray away from the holy path, we are not forced back onto it. God waits for us to reach out, sends us some signs if we need it, but ultimately allows us to go back to him if we make a mistake. When we make a mistake, we are not berated for it. We are told to do better and then are allowed to walk forward.

I realized I needed to implement that God-like patience into my life and give it to the people I come across. Mistakes happen and no amount of verbal abuse directed at a store clerk is going to change that. The only thing we can do is take a breath, nod, and ask “Okay, how can we fix this?”

At some point or another, you will most likely have a partner who you feel like you never see. Your schedules are exactly opposite, or they have so many necessary projects going on that you feel like you’re never in the same room anymore.

These periods of time can feel lonely and isolating. It’s part of the tough necessities in life, but there are ways to work around them!

Active Quality Time Scheduling

If neither of your schedules seem like they ever line up to give you enough quality time, it may be necessary to actively schedule it. If you have it, consider cashing in a day of PTO, or just request a day off a few weeks ahead. It will be a needed break for you and your partner.

Small Increments

If you find that you and your partner are only together while you’re laying down in bed, eating a meal, or getting ready for the day, take this time for each other. Take ten minutes with each other in the morning, just to drink your coffee and enjoy each other’s presence. Put the phones down during dinner and watch a 30 minute show together while you eat. When you lay down in bed together, lean against each other and feel each other’s heartbeat and breath. In the five minutes you get to be together, spend it giving each other a hug. Yes, a loooong hug! Maybe not five minutes, but more than 20 seconds! Hugs that are longer than 20 seconds can help the body fight infection, lowers stress, increases dopamine, and relieves high blood pressure. A long hug can help you both to slow down for a moment and just be present with each other.

Parallel Play

If you both have projects you need to do, consider moving into the same room and doing your own things together. This is “parallel play.” While practicing parallel play, you can put on some music, a show to play in the background, or a podcast, like Bringing Intimacy Back! Listening to something together while your hands work separately strengthens the bond between people.

Being busy doesn’t mean the end of a relationship. I hope that these tips can help you and your partner find ways to make time for each other and grow closer.

When COVID-19 emerged, many people felt the need to focus on their own health and those of the loved ones in their home. After this difficult time of fear, anger, depression, anxiety and survival, it may be time to turn our attention towards helping others. After all, it is in giving that we receive and giving has healing and health benefits that may have been overlooked as we faced and overcame HUGE obstacles never faced before!

Prepare to become an exceptional neighbor, friend and community member by participating in our Random Acts of Kindness Challenge. This challenge (who doesn’t like a challenge?) is sure to make our community an even better place to live and love.

It involves a simple jar, a bag of beans and a group of wonderful people that want to model the positive change that accompanies helping others.

You may ask, how can a jar and a bag of beans create blessings like a better place to live with a stronger sense of belonging, love and joy? Well, it’s really quite simple…

Each and every time you perform a random act of kindness that truly makes a positive difference in the life of another, you toss a simple pinto bean in our Random Acts of Kindness Jar. This jar can be placed in a prominent place in your home, school or office. The giver can even write the name of that special person to memorialize your contribution. We will all feel so much better when we open our eyes and hearts to offer a helping hand i.e. visiting someone who is feeling sad, delivering a hand written card to someone who is ill or sharing a meal with someone that may need an empathic and compassionate friend. There are dozens of creative acts of kindness that will fill our jar with love. Don’t be discouraged if something doesn’t come to mind right away. Our community is overflowing with friends and neighbors that need assistance and encouragement. Opportunities to assist will present themselves to you, it is just a matter of time.

Please be on the lookout! As they say, “keep your eyes peeled” and before you know it our community will be overflowing with warm hearts and helping hands!

So, go! Go and make a difference! Go and fill your jar with love!

– Written by Ria Raune

Having and recalling vivid dreams is both a blessing and a curse. The brain’s most uninhibited creativity takes place during sleep, which can lead to wild inspiration and motivation. On the other hand, the brain is complicated and processes experiences in the waking world during sleep. Processing negative emotions and experiences can cause dreams to take a dark turn into nightmares.

The brain makes use of patterns and symbols, even to the point of seeing them when they’re not really there. This occurs as we sleep as well. When a close association is made to an action/item/place and an emotion, the brain begins to process experiences through these symbols in dreams. There are quite a few symbols that occur in dreams that are experienced by many people. Here are some of the most common ones:

Teeth Falling Out

Dreams where you are spitting your teeth out into your hand often represent loss or change. This could mean a loss of a person, a thing, or a career change.

Flying

If you dream of flying by your own power or volition (meaning not by airplane), it is often associated with positive emotions and happiness.

Not Wearing Pants

Dreaming of being somewhere and not having any pants symbolizes the feeling of betrayal in your waking life.

Going Back to School Unprepared

This one hits close to home for me. I often have dreams that I forgot I had registered in a college class and subsequently failed, forcing me to take remedial classes in my high school. This dream usually means that you’re feeling unprepared in the real world, anxious over missing something that you may have missed.

Have you ever had these common symbols pop up in your dreams? Are recurring dreams an issue for you? It’s helpful to write down and dissect the dreams you are able to remember in a journal and reflect on what your dreams may mean. I recommend purchasing the Intimacy Journal to help you process your dreams and waking experiences! The Intimacy Journal is available at https://www.bringingintimacyback.com/shop

Research has always touted the benefits of youth sports both physically and mentally. Sports can be a great way to promote socialization and teamwork as well as improve confidence and resilience. A child may meet their best friend that they share all their secrets with on the soccer field. Or they may land their gymnastic routine and begin to portray a new level of confidence. A child may even bounce back in the last five minutes of a championship game to take the lead. These are the little things that add up to make youth sports so beneficial and rewarding.

But when and how does it become too much on our young children? When do these healthy benefits begin to take a turn for the worse and have negative effects on our children? Is it the pressure from the sport itself or is it outside pressure from Parents and Coaches that are just simply too much for our children?

Research shows that, 70% of kids quit playing league sports by age 13, which is a pivotal age for confidence, self esteem and the need for a peer group. The number one reason kids are dropping out is because it is no longer fun. There is much more of an emphasis placed on winning at this age rather than fun. We as parents are unable to change the cultural around youth sports but we can certainly help shape the cultural we place around youth sports within our homes. We can begin by identifying unhealthy sporting environments for our children, that are invested with coaches who are present for the wrong reasons; we as Parents can focus on enjoyment of the sport rather that discussing results and scores immediately following competition, we can coordinate pick up games or street games that are just for FUN. To hear more about youth sports from a Certified Sports Psychology Coach be sure to check out my website www.swfltherapy.com.

For many people, one, two, or even five dollars is easily forgotten. Did you miss that pocket change when you put your pants through the wash? Remember that surprise you felt when you found the crumpled up two dollars under the couch cushions? While these few missing dollars every year remissfully pass through our consciousness,they can change the entire day or even week of the person who could end up finding them.

Proverbs 19:17 says “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay them for their deed.” This passage may not necessarily refer to direct monetary reimbursement for charity work (sorry, but it’s unlikely you’ll get a direct deposit from a mysterious benefactor out of the blue). It more likely refers to the spiritual and emotional fulfillment that charity work gives us. It could also refer to other tangible things we need that will be provided for us. When everything just goes your way in the day, when that check hits your account a day earlier than usual, when your friend is able to help you move your furniture, all of these things are ways in which God provides for our good deeds. While there should be no reason to do charity work besides “it is a moral good,” it’s comforting to know that God sees those good deeds and will ensure that you, in turn, are taken care of.

Here is my suggestion: get $5 cash back in singles once a week. When you see someone in need, you’ll at least have one dollar for them. Then, donate at least one dollar to five GoFundMe campaigns once a week. If everyone who was able donated this way, the amount of met goals and provided meals for those in need would skyrocket!

If you’re not able to donate in that way, keep your pocket change in a jar or piggy bank. Once the receptacle is full, cash it in at the bank, a coin exchange machine, or just grab a fistful whenever you’re going out, and make that your charity fund.

If money is out of the question, give your time. Volunteering at local community gardens, harm reduction organizations, or food pantries expands access to programs that are extremely important to people who need them.

The little things can add up, in negative and positive ways. Be the positive little thing in someone’s life.

Recently my sister Becky and I were listening to an animated story from a 10 year old boy who explained to us that “girls on the playground can be real Karen’s.”

We did not understand and asked, “What is a Karen?” Using air quotes he told us that a “Karen” was a girl that who was not so nice. He further educated us to this term “Karen’s” by showing us some very entertaining YouTube videos of “Karen’s” caught on camera.

Being a curious person by nature I explored it and was further informed that a “Karen” is a pejorative term for a seemingly entitled woman who is demanding beyond the scope of what is normal. (The male version of “Karen” has many names, like “Chad”, “Greg”, or “Ken.”)

The next day my sister and I went to the grocery store. She waited in the truck for me to run in real quick. When I came out of the store I hopped in and exclaimed, “I just had my first Karen encounter!” We both laughed and I told her how I had went to the restroom and as I was exiting the back handicapped stall there was a lady was washing your hands in the sink. As I walked by her, I heard her growl, “Disgusting!” I looked back at her and said “I know.” —because I thought she was talking about the messy state of the bathroom. She set me straight quick! Vehemently saying… “No. YOU are disgusting.” My head snapped. I was like… What?! Why would she call me disgusting? I didn’t need to ask. Because, you see, a “Karen” will tell you! True to form in 1.2 seconds she spewed “you didn’t wash her hands.”

My first instinct was to explain to the lady that the handicap stalls DO have sinks in the bathroom and even a mirror.  But instead I just said, “Thank you Karen” and walked away.

Keep in mind that I am my mother’s daughter and she stepped on that Emmy Lou Hale bloodline. Her quick ill judgment and rude attitude towards me started to stir me up and I wanted to engage her. In fact, even after I walked away I found myself wanting to walk back.

In truth, if I would have had time I may have. But one thing we can know about these Karen’s—they don’t play well with others. In fact, they are agitated strangers that make judgment calls about you and your decisions.

A psychological principle at play is that there are those people just looking to pick a fight. And you can’t win a fight with a Karen. Because it takes venom and vehemence to be that mean and angry.

I do not know where this term originated. But, I would like to note that some of the kindest and most compassionate people I know are named Karen. One such Karen is my coworker and she is one of my closest friends. In sum, if you encounter a mean “Karen” I recommend that you just smile and walk away with your personal integrity. Innocence needs no defense. Some people just want to be angry and judgmental. Their aggressive statements are baiting you—trying to get you to respond. I do not want another’s critical and angry spirit affect me. So just say “bless your heart” as they do in the south, or simply walk away. I walked away but my heart rate stayed up for quite some time. In all truth it really bothered me. But it is your choice. You can choose to take the energy to explain yourself. But these “Karen’s” are not the listening types—they just want to spar with you. So save your energy for the real things and real people that matter and do not let a stranger hijack your joy.

– Dr. Kelly Bushéy