The terms “sociopath” and “psychopath” are both out of date and out of touch. They carry negative connotations with them throughout society from a history of stigmatization. Most people don’t even know what these terms used to mean, let alone what the updated diagnosis of “antisocial personality disorder” is.

Psychopathy

There is no one accepted definition of psychopathy. It is generally characterized by someone who is uncaring, reckless or violent, and manipulative. However, there are many different systems that would measure or account for “psychopathic” tendencies. None of these methods were able to scientifically identify a clear cut off point to identify someone as a “psychopath” or not.

“Psychopathy” is a highly subjective term that means different things to different people. It encompasses traits that stem from a variety of underlying mental illnesses. The term does no good in helping someone better understand their behaviors and actions because there is no clear definition. In turn, it only furthers the stigmatization of mental illnesses, trauma, and neurodivergence.

Sociopathy

The term “sociopathy” was coined in 1909 by German psychiatrist Kirk Birnbaum. It was an alternative to “psychopathy”, but with a heavier focus on the violation of social norms, as “psychopathy” is often confused with psychosis. This term is, once again, extremely subjective, as social norms change from culture to culture.

In Media

Villain and antagonists in media are often portrayed as (or even stated to be) psychopaths. This constant characterization of people who have suffered abuse in life or have struggled with mental illness as evil or inherently bad causes fear and judgement in the uninformed. In reality, those with mental illnesses are more likely to be abused than abuse others.

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD or APD) is a personality disorder with a set of criteria that must be met in order to obtain diagnosis. The cause of ASPD is a combination of genetic and environmental influences. Some examples of influences are neurology, hormones, family and peer relationships, abuse, and cultural values.

With positive attitudes around treatment, ASPD can be managed and individuals with ASPD can live successful lives and have meaningful relationships with others.

The easiest thing to do during a time of struggle is to throw up your hands, look up at the sky, and ask, “God, why me?” What doesn’t come easy is the answer to that question.

The truth is that there is always a reason for what God puts in our lives. There is always a reason for that roadblock. And, while in the moment it may seem cruel, there is a reason for those depressive episodes.

The reason is to temper us. A sword is made by high amounts of heat, pressure, and impact, then quenched in an oil bath. We are God’s sword and must be made in the same way.

Those difficult times are necessary to life. They help us learn about ourselves, about our boundaries, about the people we want in our lives, and how we can help ourselves and others. They make us stronger people and stronger implements for God’s work. Without hard times, we would never know the euphoric sigh of relief once we’ve come out of the darkness.

So the next time you are feeling hopelessness, exhaustion, in need of a break, take a moment and think about how blissful you will feel when you are finally able to step out of the darkness with God. Think about the rapturous joy you’ll feel when things finally begin to take an upward momentum. Think about how much more surmountable other, less difficult situations will be after this experience. Think about how much wisdom you will have gained to be used in the future.

Despite how hard things are in the moment, look to God and take a breath, thanking Them for giving you the chance to become a wiser and stronger person.

If you need insight on how Spirit works intimately within you, purchase Improving Intimacy: Self, Spirit, and Spouse!

Lives are changing for the better here at Cape Coral Therapists because of the Vacation Counseling-Couples Retreat Program and its implementation in our community and as we reach out to the World Wide Web. 

How can I tell? I can see it in the couple’s eyes…they are brighter. I can see it in their smiles…they are wider. I hear it in their words…they are kinder. I can feel their spirits soar! It is evident in their walk and the way they stand, just a bit closer, a bit taller. 

I can sense it because the kindness that we, as Counselors offer is like a smile, it’s contagious! Some couples have shared that it was the best time of their lives. This is a complement to our program and our efforts. 

Freedom of time allows couples to work with each other, guided by clinicians, in areas that are in need of attention. It affords clients/counselors the opportunity to spend as little or as much time on change for the better. It helps individuals that feel unwanted, unheard, unworthy, unhealthy, unloved, etc. to a place where s/he feels the exact opposite…wanted, heard, worthy, healthy and loved. 

One to one care allows the couple to feel their unique importance. A gentle touch, a sympathetic ear, a concerned tone of voice, and an encouraging word shows each person that they matter and are thought of. Their unique stories,  talents, abilities and histories are shared on an individual basis. They also see that their loved one is engaging and experiencing a sense of belonging. 

Lives are being changed that would otherwise may not have been changed for the better. Couples are connecting and communicating better. Families are finding peace and  reconnecting. Positive change is a complex process that most people desire but are often unable to achieve without assistance and support. The Vacation Counseling Program puts the spotlight on the exploration and discovery of ways to help couples create change in areas that lead to growth, clarity and peace. Discovering and working through unresolved issues, disguised or buried feelings and/or traumatic life experiences can shed light in the darkest places. Reexamining broken relationships, rediscovering intimacy and revisiting passions and pleasures after years can lighten even the heaviest load. Working through, reducing or eliminating roadblocks (even those that individuals may not be aware of) can lead to a tremendous increase in purpose, meaning and the couple’s life satisfaction.

Come vacation with us, and enjoy working with us towards a better, more satisfying marriage! Learn more at VacationCounseling.com!

“I have a forty-hour work weeks, chores, appointments, kids, general personal care, and you want me to think about meditation? Yeah, right.”

I hear this sentiment incredibly often in my sessions. Many lifestyles just aren’t built to accommodate what is typically thought of as meditation. But meditation can be whatever and however long you choose it to be! When life just seems to throw you one punch after the other, think about what you do in your day-to-day activities to incorporate meditation into them.

Commuting

Disclaimer!: Don’t meditate while driving your car! Keep focused on the road! This tip is only for people who use public transportation!

Now that that is said, if your commute is over fifteen minutes, that is plenty of time for a five minute meditation session! Sitting on the train, subway, or bus is a perfect time to center yourself before heading into work. Pop in your headphones, put on some calming music or a short guided meditation, close your eyes, and breathe. If you couldn’t find a seat today, upright meditation is a possibility too. Just be sure to hold on tight and don’t miss your stop!

Repetitive Tasks

Repetition is an easy way to get into a “flow state”. A flow state is when your mind and body are fully immersed in the task at hand. The action comes naturally and in a steady rhythm, so mistakes are low. In this flow state, you can easily turn your attention inward and focus on centering your mind and body as your hands move. Have to mend a clothing item? Flow state. Mopping or sweeping? Flow state! Mindless tasks are a perfect way to bring yourself back to center.

In the Bathroom

I know, but hear me out! You already bring your phone with you to the bathroom, right? You scroll down your feed continuously until suddenly, you realize ten minutes have passed! Cut that time in half and use it to meditate!

Meditating doesn’t HAVE to be on the toilet either. There are many different guided shower meditations. If you take long showers, take five minutes of that time to breath, root yourself, and let go. If you take short showers, what’s another five minutes tacked on?

The possibilities of meditation are endless. You just have to open yourself up to what meditation can look like. It doesn’t require fifteen minutes or more of silence. It can be with music, during an activity, whatever makes you feel calm and able to let go of your worries.

If you need some help meditating, buy my newest ebook, Improving Intimacy: Self, Spirit, and Spouse, on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3q6nyF0 !

Is he or she emotional, subject to jealous fits? Is he or she prone to temper tantrums? Is he or she subject to wide mood swings? Is he or she calm under any circumstance?

These questions are essential because, as much as you would like to be fully in charge of your life when you date someone and become emotionally involved with them, the dynamics of your life change.

Life brings us particular joys. One of those simple joys is to be involved in a relationship with another person. When we become emotionally involved with another person, unconsciously, we surrender some control to this person. Of course, when it is beautiful and exciting, we never think of it as being manipulated by “remote control.”

You never imagined that you have a “remote control.” Yes! You do. It’s that imaginary instrument that is used to control your life. Just like a television, your life has a remote control. In your case, your remote is invisible; you cannot see it. But still, the person you are dating uses it just as if they were sitting in front of a television. They turn you on and turn you off depending on their mood and feelings. And, if the person holding your remote control is subject to wild emotional swings or calmness, so goes your daily life.

If you are uncertain about who is holding your “remote control”, then take an imaginary journey. You’ve just won a round-the-world trip for 60 days: you can take one person along; who would you want to take with you? Don’t cheat; you must be honest with yourself. It is the first person that naturally comes to your mind. You cannot reason why you would or would not want to go with this person.

Now, you have the answer to the question who is holding your “remote control.” The holder of your “remote control” is that person whose words or actions will have the most significant impact on your daily life.

What is control? It is the action or the words of another person that causes you to act or do things in a certain way. This control affects your daily life positively or negatively. Do not be surprised; the holder of your “remote control”; can be someone you have never met personally.

Take Eun Hae, thirty years old, she has been married for five years, and has a son. She met Jacques, a French guy, on the internet. They corresponded by mail and instant messenger for over six months. This internet friendship became very important to her daily life. If she had a good night chatting, she was happy, contented and would treat her family husband and son with love and consideration the next day. However, if her internet night did not go well, her internet friend could not chat with her; the next day, she would be miserable, disagreeable, and ready to ;take out her bad mood on others.

Her daily life was controlled by the friendship, or relationship, with a person she had never met. She gave up meeting her friends and going out in the evenings. The most important thing to her daily life was chatting with her friend on the internet. She had given her remote control to someone who was a virtual person, but this relationship was natural to her.

For most of us, the holder of our remote control is the person we are dating or our spouse. But sometimes, the holder of our remote control is different from the person we are dating, and that is the time we will begin to have serious problems. Of course, it is thrilling to know that the holder of your remote makes your life exciting and interesting, but when things start going all wrong due to the remote holder’s actions, you feel utterly drained and tired of dealing with this person. This person criticizes your every move and judges you excessively. Somehow you can never do anything right or good enough to please this person. Your clothes are wrong. Your hairstyle is terrible. You are constantly told to go on a diet. Your make-up is wrong. Now you know it’s time to grab your remote, seek help or run for your life. In other words, this relationship has become so toxic that it is harmful to your health.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s your type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s Your Type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.

Depression is an extremely difficult disease. It can alter your entire view of the world around you, your view of friends and family, strangers, activities or hobbies you used to enjoy, everything. It’s because of this warped-perception that depression tends to last as long as it does. When everything in your life seems pointless, boring, and dull, who wouldn’t be sad? Perception is what allows depression to flourish in a person’s mind. With that being said, I wanted to go over a few things to help combat this problem.

Socialization

Getting out in public around other humans has shown to be very effective in my own personal experience as well as with my clients. Even something simple light going to Target and walking around looking at the products can be good to get your mind and body working back into a healthy rhythm. What I mean by this is, if you are sullen, downtrodden, depressed, and essentially “dead inside”, it is very hard to maintain those behaviors when you are confronted with a million variables that happen in public that will disrupt that behavior. For instance, squeezing past someone in an aisle, talking to a cashier, or even catching eyes with someone you find attractive.

Sunlight

At the moment, there are many studies being concerning the link between Vitamin D deficiency and depression. While the specific effect is unknown, the link between Vitamin D deficiency and depression is well-documented. Vitamin D can be obtained via supplements or sunlight, it is my recommendation that if you are getting vitamin D for the purposes of fighting depression, you are far better off getting it from sunlight. Natural light itself has been linked to a decrease in depression, as evidenced by the emerging use of “light boxes” that recreate natural light artificially. In addition to this, being outside is always a good idea. Depressed individuals tend to stay inside lying on the couch or the bed with their thoughts, and getting outside for vitamin D can be a strong motivator to combat these habits.

Endorphins

My last recommendation is to release endorphins. It is physically impossible to be depressed when you have endorphins running through your brain. The release of endorphins can give you a much needed momentary break from the depressed mind. Furthermore, being active and getting your heart rate moving thereby increasing blood
flow to the brain is never a bad idea. Endorphins are released in many ways, however the most common activities include exercise, sex, laughter, time with friends, even being in a sauna or getting a massage will do the trick. However it has to happen for you, the only goal is that you get them

Long distance relationships are not for everyone. By far, they take more work than relationships in close proximity. But the lucky few who CAN make it work should have every tool possible at their disposal! Here are my tips to making long distance relationships work.

Open Communication – forever and always

The number one tip in any relationship should be to have consistent open and honest communication. Open communication should happen in the moment whenever possible, either through text, a phone call, or a video call. When honest conversations about emotions take place as they occur naturally, it becomes easier to assert boundaries and feel fulfilled. Conversations should be able to be revisited if either party needs to find more time to discuss, needs time to decompress, or to find their words.

“I” Statements

When having difficult conversations, high tension can cause people to be quick to be defensive. Using “I” statements can help mitigate that feeling in others and it helps to refocus the subject onto the person being hurt, not on the person who hurt them. It can be as easy as adjusting your sentence structure from “You doing this hurt me,” to “I felt hurt when you did this.”

Consistent Scheduling of Quality Time

When there’s distance between two people, it’s easy to feel caught up in your own lives. We’ve all seen a text and forgotten to reply for one reason or another. Consistently shceduling quality time with your partner shows that there is effort and care being put into the relationship. A weekly video call, a monthly or yearly in-person visit, all of these bring something to look forward to and consistently scheduling them is quality time spent together that’s necessary for any relationship to succeed.

Journaling

When it’s not always possible to speak to your partner everyday, it’s helpful to journal about what happened during the days apart. Not only does this help you to process your feelings, but it also helps to keep track of what happened throughout the week! When you are able to talk with your partner, you won’t forget to tell them about what you did and what you want to tell them. If you’d like to start journaling, the Intimacy Journal is a great start! It has 52 weekly prompts so you can focus on how you can be more intimate everyday as you go about your day to day!

The conversations around Men’s Health in June tend to revolve around the physical self. Cancer and diabetes are the most talked about issues, but the topics need to go further. The mental health of men in the U.S. often drifts to the wayside until it is forgotten.

The suicide rate of men in the United States is over three and a half times higher than women. It’s highest amongst middle-aged white men and the rate of suicide has been increasing since 2010 (with a small decrease in 2019). Suicide is the number ten cause of death in the United States.

Ten years of increasing mens’ suicide rates. Why hasn’t there been change? The answer is a complex series of social factors that require deep community and legislative solutions.

The biggest factor to suicide rates amongst men is societal pressure to conform to masculine gender roles. The pressure to be masculine forces men to do (or not do) things they would have otherwise. You’ve heard phrases like “be a man,” “boys don’t cry,” and “there’s no crying in baseball.” All of these are told to boys in their adolescence and reinforce the idea that men should not express their emotions. Boys and men who do express themselves are at risk of being bullied for “being a sissy.” Not only does this standard cause men to repress their emotions and try to handle tough mental issues by themselves, but it leads to many other risk factors.

As the men are told to follow masculine standards, emotions and mental issues are repressed. This leads to men not being taught how to effectively and healthily communicate and work through their emotions. Instead, they attempt to work their problems out by themselves. Men are less likely to seek out professional support for their health needs, physical and mental. Studies suggest men are less likely to be diagnosed with depression simply because they do not seek out professional help.

Without professional support for physical and mental well-being, men may be more likely to self-medicate for their health, including drugs and alcohol. This continual downward spiral leads to feeling as if no one can help, and potentially suicide.

It’s imperative to actively deconstruct the standard that today’s society hold men to. If you are able to, offer your support to the men in your life. Let them know that you are there for them. Ensure them that seeking professional help does not reflect on their masculinity or fortitude. Allow men to express their emotions in ways that healthy, including crying and art. Support public endeavors to give men access to mental health care, especially to those who are unable to afford it themselves. Just by being a supportive person in letting men feel can lead to suicide prevention.

If you are feeling depressed, it is important to have a professional support system. Call Cape Coral/Ft. Myers Therapists at (239) 565-6921 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.