“I have a forty-hour work weeks, chores, appointments, kids, general personal care, and you want me to think about meditation? Yeah, right.”

I hear this sentiment incredibly often in my sessions. Many lifestyles just aren’t built to accommodate what is typically thought of as meditation. But meditation can be whatever and however long you choose it to be! When life just seems to throw you one punch after the other, think about what you do in your day-to-day activities to incorporate meditation into them.

Commuting

Disclaimer!: Don’t meditate while driving your car! Keep focused on the road! This tip is only for people who use public transportation!

Now that that is said, if your commute is over fifteen minutes, that is plenty of time for a five minute meditation session! Sitting on the train, subway, or bus is a perfect time to center yourself before heading into work. Pop in your headphones, put on some calming music or a short guided meditation, close your eyes, and breathe. If you couldn’t find a seat today, upright meditation is a possibility too. Just be sure to hold on tight and don’t miss your stop!

Repetitive Tasks

Repetition is an easy way to get into a “flow state”. A flow state is when your mind and body are fully immersed in the task at hand. The action comes naturally and in a steady rhythm, so mistakes are low. In this flow state, you can easily turn your attention inward and focus on centering your mind and body as your hands move. Have to mend a clothing item? Flow state. Mopping or sweeping? Flow state! Mindless tasks are a perfect way to bring yourself back to center.

In the Bathroom

I know, but hear me out! You already bring your phone with you to the bathroom, right? You scroll down your feed continuously until suddenly, you realize ten minutes have passed! Cut that time in half and use it to meditate!

Meditating doesn’t HAVE to be on the toilet either. There are many different guided shower meditations. If you take long showers, take five minutes of that time to breath, root yourself, and let go. If you take short showers, what’s another five minutes tacked on?

The possibilities of meditation are endless. You just have to open yourself up to what meditation can look like. It doesn’t require fifteen minutes or more of silence. It can be with music, during an activity, whatever makes you feel calm and able to let go of your worries.

If you need some help meditating, buy my newest ebook, Improving Intimacy: Self, Spirit, and Spouse, on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3q6nyF0 !

Is he or she emotional, subject to jealous fits? Is he or she prone to temper tantrums? Is he or she subject to wide mood swings? Is he or she calm under any circumstance?

These questions are essential because, as much as you would like to be fully in charge of your life when you date someone and become emotionally involved with them, the dynamics of your life change.

Life brings us particular joys. One of those simple joys is to be involved in a relationship with another person. When we become emotionally involved with another person, unconsciously, we surrender some control to this person. Of course, when it is beautiful and exciting, we never think of it as being manipulated by “remote control.”

You never imagined that you have a “remote control.” Yes! You do. It’s that imaginary instrument that is used to control your life. Just like a television, your life has a remote control. In your case, your remote is invisible; you cannot see it. But still, the person you are dating uses it just as if they were sitting in front of a television. They turn you on and turn you off depending on their mood and feelings. And, if the person holding your remote control is subject to wild emotional swings or calmness, so goes your daily life.

If you are uncertain about who is holding your “remote control”, then take an imaginary journey. You’ve just won a round-the-world trip for 60 days: you can take one person along; who would you want to take with you? Don’t cheat; you must be honest with yourself. It is the first person that naturally comes to your mind. You cannot reason why you would or would not want to go with this person.

Now, you have the answer to the question who is holding your “remote control.” The holder of your “remote control” is that person whose words or actions will have the most significant impact on your daily life.

What is control? It is the action or the words of another person that causes you to act or do things in a certain way. This control affects your daily life positively or negatively. Do not be surprised; the holder of your “remote control”; can be someone you have never met personally.

Take Eun Hae, thirty years old, she has been married for five years, and has a son. She met Jacques, a French guy, on the internet. They corresponded by mail and instant messenger for over six months. This internet friendship became very important to her daily life. If she had a good night chatting, she was happy, contented and would treat her family husband and son with love and consideration the next day. However, if her internet night did not go well, her internet friend could not chat with her; the next day, she would be miserable, disagreeable, and ready to ;take out her bad mood on others.

Her daily life was controlled by the friendship, or relationship, with a person she had never met. She gave up meeting her friends and going out in the evenings. The most important thing to her daily life was chatting with her friend on the internet. She had given her remote control to someone who was a virtual person, but this relationship was natural to her.

For most of us, the holder of our remote control is the person we are dating or our spouse. But sometimes, the holder of our remote control is different from the person we are dating, and that is the time we will begin to have serious problems. Of course, it is thrilling to know that the holder of your remote makes your life exciting and interesting, but when things start going all wrong due to the remote holder’s actions, you feel utterly drained and tired of dealing with this person. This person criticizes your every move and judges you excessively. Somehow you can never do anything right or good enough to please this person. Your clothes are wrong. Your hairstyle is terrible. You are constantly told to go on a diet. Your make-up is wrong. Now you know it’s time to grab your remote, seek help or run for your life. In other words, this relationship has become so toxic that it is harmful to your health.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s your type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.

If everyone went through hardships completely on their own, the world would be a much sadder place. The fact about humans is that we are a communal species. We need each other for support and caring when life goes awry. How that support and care looks is different for everyone though. There is simply no cookie-cutter method to helping everyone, every time.

Supporting your spouse or partner through difficult times is crucial to building a stronger relationship. It’s imperative that you know what your partner needs in order to make it out of the other side of all situations.

The Types of Care

There are a few main ways people like to have support shown to them: venting, consolation, advice, and distraction. Venting is a release of emotions, typically through words, but also through art and emotional expressions. Consolation are words of support given to someone after they have experienced harm. Advice is what an outsider gives to another in order to solve the problem. Finally, distractions help pull the person hurt away from intense emotions so they can better process them later. All of these types of support are equally valid, but not everyone responds to them the same.

“What’s Your Type…

Of emotional support?” You can easily improve your emotional support by just asking your partner what they need. This question should be asked outside of and during an emotional situation. By asking outside of an emotional situation, you can get a general idea of how your partner usually needs support. It should also be asked before acting so that you can support the other in the best way possible. Your partner may usually like to be consoled, but depending on the situation, they need to vent.

No More, No Less

Be sure that after you ask your partner what kind of support they need, you don’t overstep their boundaries by going above or below their needs. By doing too much, the hurt partner can become overwhelmed. By not doing enough, they can feel unheard and in an even worse state. Before taking any action, touching, hugging, getting something for them, be sure to ask. “Do you want some water?” “Do you want advice?” “Do you want me to hold you or do you want to be alone?” Asking consent allows your partner to tell you exactly what they want and need.

Practice Verbalizing

It can be helpful to others (and provide a positive example) by expressing your emotional support needs before launching into an emotional experience. It gives your supportive person time to prepare to help you and allows them to set boundaries if they are unable to. For example:

“Hey, I had a really bad day today. Can I vent?”

“I’m sorry your day was rough! I’m currently at work, but I can be there for you when I’m off at 5pm.”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

If an issue is more pressing, or even emergent, it’s important to clarify that as well:

“Babe, something awful happened and I need to talk to you as soon as possible. I need you.”

“Of course, what can I do to help you?”

“Listening to what happened, please. Maybe advice afterwards.”

“Okay, I’ll check in with you again when you’re done. Do you need water?”

“Yes, please.”

“I’m on it.”

Recognize What Works

Finding out what kind of emotional support works for you and your partner may be a matter of trial and error if it’s not something that you or they are used to. In these situations, it is, again, important to communicate what is working or doesn’t work and to check in occasionally. Asking questions every so often shows engagement and can give time to restate boundaries. And if you realize something may not be working, ask the person if they want more of the support type or not. Often, they will ask for a different type of support.

Remember that everyone needs someone in their life to hold them up in times of need. You should be in your partner’s first line of defense. Try to be the best support you can by asking the important questions.

Depression is an extremely difficult disease. It can alter your entire view of the world around you, your view of friends and family, strangers, activities or hobbies you used to enjoy, everything. It’s because of this warped-perception that depression tends to last as long as it does. When everything in your life seems pointless, boring, and dull, who wouldn’t be sad? Perception is what allows depression to flourish in a person’s mind. With that being said, I wanted to go over a few things to help combat this problem.

Socialization

Getting out in public around other humans has shown to be very effective in my own personal experience as well as with my clients. Even something simple light going to Target and walking around looking at the products can be good to get your mind and body working back into a healthy rhythm. What I mean by this is, if you are sullen, downtrodden, depressed, and essentially “dead inside”, it is very hard to maintain those behaviors when you are confronted with a million variables that happen in public that will disrupt that behavior. For instance, squeezing past someone in an aisle, talking to a cashier, or even catching eyes with someone you find attractive.

Sunlight

At the moment, there are many studies being concerning the link between Vitamin D deficiency and depression. While the specific effect is unknown, the link between Vitamin D deficiency and depression is well-documented. Vitamin D can be obtained via supplements or sunlight, it is my recommendation that if you are getting vitamin D for the purposes of fighting depression, you are far better off getting it from sunlight. Natural light itself has been linked to a decrease in depression, as evidenced by the emerging use of “light boxes” that recreate natural light artificially. In addition to this, being outside is always a good idea. Depressed individuals tend to stay inside lying on the couch or the bed with their thoughts, and getting outside for vitamin D can be a strong motivator to combat these habits.

Endorphins

My last recommendation is to release endorphins. It is physically impossible to be depressed when you have endorphins running through your brain. The release of endorphins can give you a much needed momentary break from the depressed mind. Furthermore, being active and getting your heart rate moving thereby increasing blood
flow to the brain is never a bad idea. Endorphins are released in many ways, however the most common activities include exercise, sex, laughter, time with friends, even being in a sauna or getting a massage will do the trick. However it has to happen for you, the only goal is that you get them

Long distance relationships are not for everyone. By far, they take more work than relationships in close proximity. But the lucky few who CAN make it work should have every tool possible at their disposal! Here are my tips to making long distance relationships work.

Open Communication – forever and always

The number one tip in any relationship should be to have consistent open and honest communication. Open communication should happen in the moment whenever possible, either through text, a phone call, or a video call. When honest conversations about emotions take place as they occur naturally, it becomes easier to assert boundaries and feel fulfilled. Conversations should be able to be revisited if either party needs to find more time to discuss, needs time to decompress, or to find their words.

“I” Statements

When having difficult conversations, high tension can cause people to be quick to be defensive. Using “I” statements can help mitigate that feeling in others and it helps to refocus the subject onto the person being hurt, not on the person who hurt them. It can be as easy as adjusting your sentence structure from “You doing this hurt me,” to “I felt hurt when you did this.”

Consistent Scheduling of Quality Time

When there’s distance between two people, it’s easy to feel caught up in your own lives. We’ve all seen a text and forgotten to reply for one reason or another. Consistently shceduling quality time with your partner shows that there is effort and care being put into the relationship. A weekly video call, a monthly or yearly in-person visit, all of these bring something to look forward to and consistently scheduling them is quality time spent together that’s necessary for any relationship to succeed.

Journaling

When it’s not always possible to speak to your partner everyday, it’s helpful to journal about what happened during the days apart. Not only does this help you to process your feelings, but it also helps to keep track of what happened throughout the week! When you are able to talk with your partner, you won’t forget to tell them about what you did and what you want to tell them. If you’d like to start journaling, the Intimacy Journal is a great start! It has 52 weekly prompts so you can focus on how you can be more intimate everyday as you go about your day to day!

The conversations around Men’s Health in June tend to revolve around the physical self. Cancer and diabetes are the most talked about issues, but the topics need to go further. The mental health of men in the U.S. often drifts to the wayside until it is forgotten.

The suicide rate of men in the United States is over three and a half times higher than women. It’s highest amongst middle-aged white men and the rate of suicide has been increasing since 2010 (with a small decrease in 2019). Suicide is the number ten cause of death in the United States.

Ten years of increasing mens’ suicide rates. Why hasn’t there been change? The answer is a complex series of social factors that require deep community and legislative solutions.

The biggest factor to suicide rates amongst men is societal pressure to conform to masculine gender roles. The pressure to be masculine forces men to do (or not do) things they would have otherwise. You’ve heard phrases like “be a man,” “boys don’t cry,” and “there’s no crying in baseball.” All of these are told to boys in their adolescence and reinforce the idea that men should not express their emotions. Boys and men who do express themselves are at risk of being bullied for “being a sissy.” Not only does this standard cause men to repress their emotions and try to handle tough mental issues by themselves, but it leads to many other risk factors.

As the men are told to follow masculine standards, emotions and mental issues are repressed. This leads to men not being taught how to effectively and healthily communicate and work through their emotions. Instead, they attempt to work their problems out by themselves. Men are less likely to seek out professional support for their health needs, physical and mental. Studies suggest men are less likely to be diagnosed with depression simply because they do not seek out professional help.

Without professional support for physical and mental well-being, men may be more likely to self-medicate for their health, including drugs and alcohol. This continual downward spiral leads to feeling as if no one can help, and potentially suicide.

It’s imperative to actively deconstruct the standard that today’s society hold men to. If you are able to, offer your support to the men in your life. Let them know that you are there for them. Ensure them that seeking professional help does not reflect on their masculinity or fortitude. Allow men to express their emotions in ways that healthy, including crying and art. Support public endeavors to give men access to mental health care, especially to those who are unable to afford it themselves. Just by being a supportive person in letting men feel can lead to suicide prevention.

If you are feeling depressed, it is important to have a professional support system. Call Cape Coral/Ft. Myers Therapists at (239) 565-6921 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Major Depressive Disorder

Depression is feeling similar to sadness that many people feel they experience. Although there are various forms of sadness and depression, it is important to understand the difference between feeling sad, or situational depression, and having a clinical diagnoses of major depressive disorder. Major depressive disorder looks different for many people as individuals all experience unique situations through their lives. With that being said, there are key factors that most people show, making it possible to narrow down a specific diagnosis. In this article we will review what clinical depression looks like, how it is diagnosed, populations it effects, challenges from the disorder and more.

Man feeling sad at night lying in his bed

Common Characteristics

Characteristics of MDD can range from mild to severe and may look confusing to people not familiar with the disorder. Common characteristics include feeling hopeless, excessive sleep, insomnia, binge eating, persistent weight loss, lack of motivation, loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, and frequent discussion of death. To many, if one sleeps excessively or lacks motivation, it is assumed the individual is being lazy or manipulative. However, the individual may be experiencing a major depressive episode and may need to seek treatment. Similar to individual characteristics, various populations experience MDD different than other populations. For example, an individual experiencing homelessness has different biological, social, and environmental factors than a child who comes from a wealthy family. It is important to explore all aspects of clientele and to assess them individually in order to find the proper diagnoses or treatment process.

Challenges

Clients with MDD tend to face difficulties when it comes to seeking treatment. A major factor to the difficulties relates directly to a major symptom of MDD: lack of motivation. It can be hard for a client with depression to feel motivated to attend group or individual therapy. It becomes increasingly more difficult if one has already attended treatment and felt that “nothing helped”. It can be difficult from the social workers point of view to resonate with the individual that sometimes you have to try various therapists, groups, or centers before one really starts to see and feel the effects. Another difficulty can be, if someone has not been formally diagnosed with MDD. Without a diagnosis, sometimes the number of services available to that person is reduced. A common relation to why someone may become depressed and not obtain services can relate to financial means. Many individuals seek treatment for their disorder but end up not getting them because they can’t afford therapy, medication, or other services necessary for treatment.

A woman alone crying in bed.

Stigma

Throughout the last couple of years, negative stigma around mental health, specifically depression has decreased. In fact, 66%-71% felt more comfortable talking to people about their mental illness (HealthPartners, 2020). However, there is still great stigma associated around mental health disorders which effects one’s willingness to received treatment, self-esteem, employment opportunities and more. A study was performed by Roeloff et al, where stigma of depression was analyzed based on disclosure of disorder. Of the 1,150 participants, sixty-seven percent of participants expected negative consequences due to disclosure of depression on gaining employment, 59% for obtaining health insurance, and 24% on friendships (Roeloffs et al., 2003). Stigma can also effects people differently based on their environmental and cultural beliefs. Typically, Haitian individuals do not acknowledge the presence of mental illness. This can make it difficult to begin treatment due to stigma.  

Tools and Methods 

There are various forms of tools therapists or mental health workers can use in order to identify presence, severity, and persistence of MDD. One of the most common tools used to assess MDD is the Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9). This is used to measure not only the presence, but also the severity, of MDD. Another common tool used by physicians, social workers and other mental health workers is the Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale (C-SSRS). This is used to measure severity of suicidal ideations by measuring thoughts, plan, intent, and means. These tools are very important as it gives the patient/client the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings in a non-verbal format.

There are also a multitude of methods used to treat depression. The most known methods are therapy and medication. However, there are levels to both that make treatment more complex. Common types of medications used are antidepressants and anxiety management. More severe medications can be used through doctor’s discretion if needed. A very common and evidence-based therapy used for individuals with MDD is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT analyzes one’s thoughts, behaviors and emotions while developing better ways to cope and react to situations that may have once had negative consequences. An example of this is if a client screams when they get put in a high stress environment, the screaming may cause difficulty with interpersonal relationships and employment. CBT evaluates why someone is reacting this way and helps a client better understand their feelings and reactions so they may eventually express their emotions in a more positive manner.

If you are depressed or think you have Major Depressive Disorder, it is important to seek help. Call Cape Coral/Fort Myers Therapists at (239) 565-6921. Get the support you need.

“Our closest friends are among life’s greatest fortunes. It seems as though each decade brings along its certain bundle of friends, the ones most appropriate for that timeframe. Mutually venting about our ridiculous parents when we’re thirteen, sharing unwavering beliefs at a mere 23 like we have it all figured out, and if we’re lucky, we take a few of these friends into our thirties and forties when real life starts to happen.

Marriage. Parenthood. Grief. Mid-life crises. Milestones. And not necessarily in that order. Friendship allows us to laugh through hard times and cry without shame at our worst times. Friendship gives us honesty when we can’t see the truth and trust when we can’t trust anyone else. Friendship grants us the ability to know who cares most when we need it most. We fall back on our friends when we can’t stand upright on our own. This is friendship.

As with any relationship, the strength of friendship is determined by time, trust, and mutual effort yet the rewards are endless. As human beings, we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we didn’t give attention to the power of friendship and do everything in our power to not only find them but to nurture healthy friendships for our lifetime.

Friendship Intimacy | A Natural Barrier to Anxiety & Stress

The right friends should act as cradles against stress, not give you more stress. Friendship intimacy should allow you to take weight off your shoulders, not add to it. With boundaries, we should feel comfortable taking an issue to a friend for support or advice, and walk away from that discussion in a better place than when we initially arrived with our agony and confusion.

Friends relax us. In the presence of friendship, we get the opportunity to reestablish our homeostasis. Thrown off kilter from daily conflict, stresses, and maybe even trauma, being with friends naturally brings us back to a place where we feel safe, where we remember who we are, and that whatever we are enduring, we are not enduring alone.

The power of friendship is so powerful that it affects our health! Humanist Rob O’Connor has stated that women who are affluent in friendships live more well, more often abstain from alcohol misuse and other means of self-destruction, and live within an overall better state of emotional well being than those who don’t engage in frequent friendly interactions; assuming with the right individuals of course.

Friendship Intimacy | Healthy For Your Marriage, Too!

Did you know that the presence of friendship can improve your marriage? And we’re not talking about “being friends with your spouse.” Men & women who engage in regular communication & involvement with their friends can actually improve the outcome of their committed relationships at home. Research has uncovered that individuals who have friendships of depth are extra joyous in their intimate relationships.

On a personal level, friendships can unravel our creativity, bringing out ideas and expressions that potentially wouldn’t otherwise come to the surface. Great friends hold us accountable and keep us responsible. If you are lucky enough to have friends that fall into this category, then you have friends that will not let you fail. These friends will offer you a deeper sense of understanding when you can’t think clearly for yourself. Friendship intimacy is a friend taking it upon themselves to share a piece of you in order to support you, indefinitely.

Men & women in committed relationships; you must make the time to spend with your friends. Call a friend. Meet virtually. Plan a visit or outing. Not only is it good for you but it will serve you well when you come home to your partner, too.”

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) or more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder is defined as a mental maladjustment of an individual; enduring two distinctly different characters or character states. Individuals with DID have been discovered to express vastly different emotions in these character states, feelings, and stress reactions on a chemical level. DID affects roughly 2% of the United States population. DID is exceptionally complicated to analyze and diagnose due to the ominous nature of the human mind.

What causes DID?
While there is no official reasoning for why an individual develops multiple personalities, the primary hypothesis revolves around young childhood trauma. Children who encounter significant damage on a mental, emotional, or even physical level could develop an ulterior personality in order to separate their reality from their desired world. The end result? Multiple personalities.

What are the signs?
Frequent slips in memory, especially of vital life events such as more memorable birthday celebrations, weddings, or the birth of a child
Hearing a different internal voice that is not one’s own voice

Ending up in places & not remembering why; the infamous “why did I just walk into this room?” feeling
Coming across belongings & not remembering how they were initially acquired

Meeting someone new all the time; forgetting someone that one has already met

Not recognizing self reflection in the mirror

Depersonalization; out-of-body daily experience

DID or Multiple Personality Disorder is often negatively depicted in movies and other means of entertainment, displaying characters as most frequently dangerous and harmful to people around them. DID is also predicted to be culture-based by some professionals, indicative again, of prior unaddressed traumas on a very high level.

In either case, once DID is diagnosed, individuals are often “treated” via some means of supportive or supervised therapies. This can include further evaluations and psychotherapy for depression, post traumatic stress, and bipolar disorder. DID seems to be a rare extremity of mental illness with much more research needed to make progress in helping those in its unfortunate category.