Did you even notice that talking about the ups & downs of relationships is not easy? In fact, most adults have bits and pieces of past relationships that they haven’t shared with another soul. Have you explored relationship status discussions as of late or do you (like many) avoid them at all costs? There is an old joke in which one partner says to the other…”I said I loved you forty years ago, if that changed, I would have let you know!” This may be funny but it is a recipe for disaster and dissolution of unions! Hence, it may be time for you to take a closer look. I believe you are worth it and relationship exploration can help understand past history which affects future success.

Let’s have an honest, open-minded look at your past & present romantic relationships?
Happiness and fulfillment for most couples includes good communication, faith, empathy, patience, forgiveness, intimacy and more. Romantic relationships can come in many forms, some good, some great, some meh, some bad and others downright terrible! All have the power to change our lives, for better or for worse. Most directly correlate with the desires of our heart. This accounts for the fact that romantic attachments often include the most incredible and unfortunately, some of the absolute worst moments and days of our lives.

Truth be told, most adults know when our romantic relationships rock.
What’s more, our “wise minds” also recognize when our relationships become unsatisfying, uninspiring or even toxic.
We may struggle to verbalize or even admit it to ourselves but few can deny relationship status after a careful examination of conscience. For this reason, we should call it what it truly is and do something if it is not working in our life stories.

Rating relationships might look something like this…
Your partner makes you a better person, lifts your spirits, treats you well, listens with empathy, shares interests, etc.
In this case, you are blessed with a good match.
Better yet, if your heart skips a beat when your eyes connect across the room…BINGO! BANGO!!!
On the other hand, if your partner brings you down, is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive, cheats, lies and repeatedly leaves you unsatisfied, this match may be toxic and you may need to (as the expression goes) RUN!!!
It is easy for most to identify the toxic, knock-down, drag-out fighting, manipulating, gaslighting,
cheating, crying, etc. but what about the not so obvious troubled relationships?
The relationships that contain little, if any, spark. They are less threatening, less exciting, less
dramatic and produce less or zero butterflies in our bellies. I’m talking about the subtle settle partnerships.
The links that beg us to ponder,
“Should I stay or should I go?” or “Am I settling for less than I deserve?”
The subtle settling in a mundane or less than satisfying affair may include complacency, familiarity and a bit of boredom. Perhaps this is a relationship that started out slowly and failed to launch. It may be a friendship that formed when one or both parties feared being alone more than being a part of a couple that often contemplates what might be missing. If your relationship is falling short of your expectations or your core values are not in line with your actions and behaviors, it may be time to reinvent, reboot or remove this relationship for better mental health.

American psychologist, John Gottman has labeled Four Horsemen, or hooks that interfere with relationship success. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. These behaviors can devastate and wreak havoc on romantic unions. Careful attention to the reduction or elimination of these behaviors can build strong, healthy attachments. Additionally, hard work and focus can lead to recovery and reunion for struggling couples that brave these destructive behaviors.

Some say that being alone is better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.
What do you say? As a Couples Counselor, it is not my job to answer that question or even offer advice.
I can only make observations and pose thought-provoking questions that help to reveal next best steps.
Some of these questions may include:
Do you love yourself enough to go it alone indefinitely?
Do you believe that you are already whole and that a partner should supplement and spark joy?
Do you trust your Higher Power to place your person in your life at the appropriate and well appointed time?
Does your partner make you a better person?
Are you settling for less than you deserve?
Does thinking about your partner evoke feelings of joy, peace, safety, indifference, fear, sadness or discord?
If you are unsure, you may need to explore your thoughts and feelings with the use of an emotions wheel, similar tools and a
trained professional.
If you need assistance processing or would like to have help sorting and working through issues
heavy on your heart, please reach out to one of our fabulous relationship counselors.
We care and think you deserve the very best intimacy, happiness and fulfillment in relationships near and dear
to your heart. We consider it a privilege to help create and maintain solid, stable connections and thank you for the opportunity to serve. You and your relationships are worthy of a love that meets or beats your expectations! I will leave you with this and please remember that self love is ALWAYS a part of true love!

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” -John Lennon

Author & Photo Credit: Ria Ruane, MA, LMHC