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Stay, Go or Fall for the Subtle Settle?

July 26, 2024 by

Did you even notice that talking about the ups & downs of relationships is not easy? In fact, most adults have bits and pieces of past relationships that they haven’t shared with another soul. Have you explored relationship status discussions as of late or do you (like many) avoid them at all costs? There is an old joke in which one partner says to the other…”I said I loved you forty years ago, if that changed, I would have let you know!” This may be funny but it is a recipe for disaster and dissolution of unions! Hence, it may be time for you to take a closer look. I believe you are worth it and relationship exploration can help understand past history which affects future success.

Let’s have an honest, open-minded look at your past & present romantic relationships?
Happiness and fulfillment for most couples includes good communication, faith, empathy, patience, forgiveness, intimacy and more. Romantic relationships can come in many forms, some good, some great, some meh, some bad and others downright terrible! All have the power to change our lives, for better or for worse. Most directly correlate with the desires of our heart. This accounts for the fact that romantic attachments often include the most incredible and unfortunately, some of the absolute worst moments and days of our lives.

Truth be told, most adults know when our romantic relationships rock.
What’s more, our “wise minds” also recognize when our relationships become unsatisfying, uninspiring or even toxic.
We may struggle to verbalize or even admit it to ourselves but few can deny relationship status after a careful examination of conscience. For this reason, we should call it what it truly is and do something if it is not working in our life stories.

Rating relationships might look something like this…
Your partner makes you a better person, lifts your spirits, treats you well, listens with empathy, shares interests, etc.
In this case, you are blessed with a good match.
Better yet, if your heart skips a beat when your eyes connect across the room…BINGO! BANGO!!!
On the other hand, if your partner brings you down, is emotionally, mentally or physically abusive, cheats, lies and repeatedly leaves you unsatisfied, this match may be toxic and you may need to (as the expression goes) RUN!!!
It is easy for most to identify the toxic, knock-down, drag-out fighting, manipulating, gaslighting,
cheating, crying, etc. but what about the not so obvious troubled relationships?
The relationships that contain little, if any, spark. They are less threatening, less exciting, less
dramatic and produce less or zero butterflies in our bellies. I’m talking about the subtle settle partnerships.
The links that beg us to ponder,
“Should I stay or should I go?” or “Am I settling for less than I deserve?”
The subtle settling in a mundane or less than satisfying affair may include complacency, familiarity and a bit of boredom. Perhaps this is a relationship that started out slowly and failed to launch. It may be a friendship that formed when one or both parties feared being alone more than being a part of a couple that often contemplates what might be missing. If your relationship is falling short of your expectations or your core values are not in line with your actions and behaviors, it may be time to reinvent, reboot or remove this relationship for better mental health.

American psychologist, John Gottman has labeled Four Horsemen, or hooks that interfere with relationship success. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. These behaviors can devastate and wreak havoc on romantic unions. Careful attention to the reduction or elimination of these behaviors can build strong, healthy attachments. Additionally, hard work and focus can lead to recovery and reunion for struggling couples that brave these destructive behaviors.

Some say that being alone is better than being in a relationship with the wrong person.
What do you say? As a Couples Counselor, it is not my job to answer that question or even offer advice.
I can only make observations and pose thought-provoking questions that help to reveal next best steps.
Some of these questions may include:
Do you love yourself enough to go it alone indefinitely?
Do you believe that you are already whole and that a partner should supplement and spark joy?
Do you trust your Higher Power to place your person in your life at the appropriate and well appointed time?
Does your partner make you a better person?
Are you settling for less than you deserve?
Does thinking about your partner evoke feelings of joy, peace, safety, indifference, fear, sadness or discord?
If you are unsure, you may need to explore your thoughts and feelings with the use of an emotions wheel, similar tools and a
trained professional.
If you need assistance processing or would like to have help sorting and working through issues
heavy on your heart, please reach out to one of our fabulous relationship counselors.
We care and think you deserve the very best intimacy, happiness and fulfillment in relationships near and dear
to your heart. We consider it a privilege to help create and maintain solid, stable connections and thank you for the opportunity to serve. You and your relationships are worthy of a love that meets or beats your expectations! I will leave you with this and please remember that self love is ALWAYS a part of true love!

“We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” -John Lennon

Author & Photo Credit: Ria Ruane, MA, LMHC

Filed Under: Anxiety, empower, Inspire, Intimacy, love, marriage, Mental Health, Self-Worth

Breaking Free: 3 Tools to Transform Your Relationship Dynamics

March 21, 2024 by

Walking on eggshells in your relationship? Here are 3 tools to change everything.

We all want to feel free to trust and love our other half, but sometimes find it difficult if they’re controlling, scrolling on their phones during “quality time” or making us work hard for the scraps of love and attention we crave.

Sometimes we get to a place in our lives where we wonder how much longer we can be living this way. Most of us have lived enough life to know that yesterday might be starting to look permanent, causing us to wonder, “How do we change our tomorrow?”.

These simple tools, when used correctly, can help improve your relationship and point you on a
path to a greater sense of self:

Transform your habit of thinking:

We all have an inner critic that lives inside of us, made up of fearful thoughts that keep us feeling stuck. These thoughts are not who we are, but have been wired into our subconscious to keep us safe. Who we really are knows we deserve more than what we are getting, but somehow we keep moving back into our old habits. To get the relationship we want, we need to get curious about how our inner critic thinks it’s helping us through presenting the negative, fearful thoughts, and retrain our minds to replace them with faith in ourselves. You are not
your thoughts. You are the one who is aware of your thoughts and has the power to change them to create the life and relationship you know you deserve.

Change where you put your energy:

One of the most terrifying feelings we can experience is the feeling of helplessness. This is especially true in our relationships. To avoid this feeling, our human nature is to try to control external factors outside of our control. We sometimes put a lot of energy into trying to change (or control) our partner, leaving us feeling burnt out and resentful. The fastest way to reclaim our inner peace is by gaining clarity on what we do have control over, and what we do not. Once we realize we only have control over our own actions and choices, the magic begins to happen. Redirecting all of the energy that was once used to try and change our partner, we can focus on building the life we want, and if our partner is willing to come along for the ride, they
will rise to our level.

Train people how to treat you:

We all know the true saying “Actions speak louder than words”, but sometimes this idea gets lost when it comes to our relationships. We may tell our partner that we won’t put up with something anymore or we are going to leave… but then we don’t follow through. We may say, “That’s not okay”, but continue to give them what they want. To get the changes we require, we need to reward our partner with their love language when they show behaviors we want or desire. When unwanted behaviors show up, we limit any reinforcement of that behavior. With the help of a therapist to navigate the intricacies of relationships, we can make a healthy plan to limit our presence and/or attention in a specific way. Over time, if they truly are our person, their behaviors will shift into what we have been asking for but haven’t been following up with our actions until now.

Written by Kellie Hatch – Mental Health Graduate Student

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, empower, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, marriage

The Power of Avoidance

February 5, 2024 by

We spend our lives avoiding uncomfortable things. Avoidance is powerful. Here is what you need to know about it: Avoidance makes everything worse! I learned this the hard way.

I was driving home on a Friday night after shopping. I felt tension in a small area of my neck. There was no pain, just mild tension. This could be the beginning of a something. I might wake up with a painful stiff neck. I have had this before, and it usually goes away in half a day

It got worse. I woke up at 2 AM with really bad pain. I could not sleep all night. At 5 AM I was looking online for a massage therapist who worked on Saturday. Within 100 miles there were only two open on Saturday. One of them was only four miles away. I needed a daily massage for four days before this thing settled down. It was awful.

I knew these principles were true, but now I was living them. The body acts to avoid pain. A little tension in a small area recruited all my back and neck muscles to avoid that tension, to prevent movement. All the muscles on the right side from skull to hips went into action to avoid any movement. Within six hours the pain spread everywhere and increased to the point that I could not rest. It took four days of intense massage to resolve all this.

One night, as I was improving, I had another restless night. I would turn over in bed and feel pain in my neck. I learned that If I moved slightly into the pain, the pain would go away after a few minutes. I did this throughout the night – moved toward the pain, instead of away from it. It worked great.

The other lesson I learned was to trust my massage therapist. It hurt when she pressed on a knotted muscle; it hurt a lot. I kept jumping a few inches off the table. Then I learned to relax, instead of tensing when it hurt. This allowed more effective breaking of the tension. I had to trust my therapist, so I could begin to relax in the face of pain. And then we worked together to unravel the knots.

I hope you can see how these principles are also true in counseling, in psychological therapy.
Defense mechanisms – denial, avoidance, rationalization, excuses, etc. – these can create more pain than the original problem.
Avoidance makes the pain worse; over time it sets up a complex system that governs our lives.
You need to find a therapist you can trust. When you do, relax a bit, take it slow as you face painful memories and situations.
When you feel emotional pain gently move toward it, not away from it. Become curious about it. Watch what happens inside you, how you react. Let your therapist help you with it.

Avoiding your pain ensures that it will never go away. Studies of PTSD have shown that avoidance is the primary factor in keeping the pain in place. People only get better when they face the pain. It is necessary to face the pain with a therapist, or a team of therapists and others. The same principles are true for any persistent emotional or relational disturbance.

All of us have been through our own journeys. We understand the urge to avoid pain, and the necessity of facing it. When it is in your face, then turning away is no longer possible. But you really do not have to wait until it is that bad. Move toward it, in a safe environment. We are here if you need us.

God bless you.

Dave Hall, LMHC

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, empower, Inspire, kindness, Mental Health

Creating Everyday ‘Insta’ Moments with Nature

December 1, 2023 by

The old pond
A frog leaps in.
Sound of the water.
– Basho, (1644-1694)

In therapy, one of the things counselors like to share with clients is the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is something that everyone, even kids, can learn. It is bringing attention to the experiencing of the moment. The idea is sensual noticing, acknowledging thoughts and accepting feelings. But practicing mindfulness can also be incorporated into daily life, to uplift the moment. For this exercise, we will use the frog haiku poem as mindfulness inspiration.

Basho, a famous Japanese poet, wrote the above haiku in the fifteenth century. It recalls just one single moment of nature. The silence is part of it. The sound of the water is easy to imagine. When you think of it, can you visualize the moment? What do you see, hear, smell?

Here is an exercise in mindfulness that anyone can do. Pay attention to the details and experience of nature like Basho. Think of it like producing mini ‘Insta’ moments for your senses and mind. This can be done anywhere there are elements of nature. When you notice something beautiful or special, breath it
in deeply like you are smelling a beautiful rose.

Here are some ideas:
-Take a nature walk in your neighborhood and focus on the flora and fauna in all the yards, any nature sounds you hear and the state of the sky. Breath it all in.

-Go to a botanical garden and give yourself permission to soak up the beauty of each tree, flower and shrub. Breath it all in.

-Go bird watching. Take in all the splendor of the environment. Enjoy the movement of bird flight. Breath it all in.

-Sit or take a walk on the beach, noticing the sounds of the waves, the colors and shapes of the shells, the rocks, and the composition of the horizon. Watch the sun rise or set. Breath it all in.

-Buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and take time to study them. Look at their textures and colors and smell each part of them. Breath it all in.

-Listen to the birds in the morning through your windows. Florida is a place with birdsong. Tune in to them like a radio channel. Breath it all in.

-Try kayaking or paddle-boarding and notice all the life under the water. Breath it all in.

-Grow a seed and observe each stage closely. This one is great for kids. Teach them to breath in the moment.

-Stare at the clouds. Notice subtle colors, the sky in in motion. Look for beauty. Breath it all in.

-Houseplants are also a reliable source of connecting with nature. Study the beauty of an orchid, or the smell of a basil plant.

The exciting news is that you can bring mindfulness to anything. You can do your dishes mindfully. You can play with your children mindfully and interact with your partner mindfully. You can bring it into the shower, and to yardwork. Mindfulness is kind of like magic because it transforms the moment. If you transform enough moments, your life will be transformed.

Written by Megan McKeon – Mental Health Graduate Student at University of the Cumberlands

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, empower, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

Therapy Goals

September 21, 2023 by

We have all experienced moments in which we felt we were at a loss for handling a situation or a feeling. It is during these times we seek outside assistance, be it from friends, loved ones or with a therapist. Because these are difficult and stressful times, problem solving, positive thinking, or solution finding can seem impossible. However, in therapy this is exactly what we strive for in the midst of these chaotic moments.

This first requires an individual’s awareness they have exhausted their mental and emotional resources and acknowledge the need for professional guidance through this process. Finding a therapist with whom you can share this space continues this process through the sharing of these experiences, feelings, and struggles. It is through this exchange of honest and often difficult information the therapeutic alliance is formed. This alliance between therapist and client is the foundation on which therapy goals are created and refined.

Many individuals do not have clear therapeutic goals at the outset of this journey. Taking the time and making space to sort through uncomfortable situations and emotions brings clarity to one’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and therefore, their goals. Therapeutic goals can and will change throughout the process but having a goal on which to focus allows us to see solutions, successes, and areas of improvement. Therapy goals could be considered the mile markers on the journey to wellness.

Working with a therapist to achieve these goals requires individuals, couples, and families to join together, taking the information and insight acquired in sessions into their everyday lives. This day-to-day application solidifies new skills, new ways to view or assess problems, and ultimately achieve goals. Once the goals for therapy are achieved, the skills and benefits of these changes can be applied to future issues and concerns resulting in lifelong improvements in one’s well-being.

Written by April Daniel MS, NCC, LMHC – National Certified Counselor (NCC) and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor

 

Filed Under: Anxiety, Communication, Couples/Marriage, Depression, empower, Family, honesty, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, marriage, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, selfless, Sexual Health, Uncategorized, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

Protecting Your Peace

September 14, 2023 by

Peace is often thought to look like a straw hammock on a sunny beach or a crackling indoor fireplace on a cold day. And as comforting as these moments are, what they represent is something deeper and more crucial for fortifying our mental health. How can we cultivate feelings of peace that carry over into our day-to-day lives?

In our era of 24-hour news cycles and constant smartphone notifications, it may feel like there’s simply no time for real peace. When free time arises in our busy lives, we have an instant abundance of bite-sized video clips, clickbait headlines, and social messaging to drown our attention in. And somewhere in the constant reach for pleasing distraction, we might occasionally wonder why we feel drained, strained, and burnt out.

Now more than ever it is up to us to be deliberate about cultivating peace. It starts with finding what practice works best for us – prayer, mediation, reading, walking, journaling, or other focused, lowkey activities. It should facilitate a shift from preoccupation to centered mindfulness, creating time for presence, reflection, and grounding. With enough consistency, practices like these can open up a new perspective quite different from the hustle mindset that colors modern life. But what happens when the practice ends, and we step back into daily life?

Just as peace is cultivated, it also needs to be protected. As a calm perspective helps us recognize the inner habits and outer noise that shake our focus, we can also find new approaches. This may look like restructuring a room to limit distractions, setting healthy boundaries in relationships, or challenging negative patterns of thinking or action. In doing so, we protect the restorative peace that prepares us to take on more of life’s challenges.

So, in those times when a vacation is still aways off and it feels like our responsibilities are piling up, we can always choose to be deliberate about cultivating and protecting our peace. When we set aside time for lowkey reflection and mindfulness, it can flow outward and refresh other areas of our busy lives.

Written by Louis Nicholas, IMH24151 – Registered Mental Health Intern

Filed Under: Anxiety, Communication, Depression, empower, faith, Family, honesty, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, selfless, Women's Issues

Walk + Talk Therapy by the Bay

September 8, 2023 by

Walk + talk therapy by the bay is one of my favorite approaches to mental health therapy. As a trauma-informed therapist, I utilize many different therapeutic techniques to best accommodate each client’s needs. I know that sitting on a therapist’s sofa doesn’t feel safe or comfortable for many people. That’s why I offer walk + talk. It’s just like going for a walk with a friend (if your friend was a highly trained mental health professional who knew therapeutic techniques that are clinically proven to improve your mood). ♡

For people who have experienced trauma, the idea of meeting an unknown person in a small office in a new building can feel paralyzing. With walk and talk, we are able to meet in a public park where we are surrounded with other people and beautiful views. While the name implies that we will walk the entire time, there are many seating areas along the route to enjoy the shade and the warm breeze from the bay.

Walk + talk therapy offers an opportunity to reduce stress, relieve body tension, improve circulation, breathe deep and clear the body-mind of intrusive, negative, and ruminative thoughts. These sessions can help you decrease anxiety, regulate mood, enjoy more restful sleep, and more. Additionally, you can receive the feel-good brain chemical benefits of exercise, mindfulness practice and eco-psychology. In session, you can enhance insight, release body trauma, and alter behavior patterns while verbally processing your authentic truth.

In urban planning, there is a concept of integrating waterscapes into cities called “blue spaces.”

👫Studies have found that short, frequent walks along waterscapes (blue spaces) are good for your mental health.

👫There is a significant improvement in well-being and mood immediately after a person goes for a walk in a blue space, compared with walking in an urban environment or resting.

👫Waterscapes have healing effects that enhance psychological resilience to promote mental health.

👫Walk + talk therapy by the bay gives clients an opportunity to enjoy some blue spaces while boosting their mental health.

Similarly, when urban architects add nature elements to cities such as trees, plants, and grass, these are called “green spaces.”

👫 Green spaces provide fresh, healing air to the body

👫 Some mental health benefits of green spaces include: lowered stress levels, reduced rates of depression & anxiety, reduced cortisol levels, and improved general well-being

👫 Enhance your cognitive functioning, improve your sleep, and increase your levels of physical activity.

👫Walk + talk therapy by the bay gives you an opportunity to spend some time outside connecting to nature while working on your mental health.

If you’re joining me for walk + talk therapy, here are a couple things to keep in mind:

👫We don’t have to walk the whole time!

👫There is plenty of seating along the route should we choose to sit by the water and/or stop to talk in the shade.

👫Walking shoes or comfy sandals are recommended.

👫Please bring a water bottle—we’ve got to stay hydrated!

Written by Kalli Portillo, IMH24576 – Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern, EDMRIA-Approved EMDR Therapist, Certified Prepare/Enrich Couple Counselor

To learn more, review the following open access research studies or google “blue and green spaces mental health benefits.”

Benefits of walking psychotherapy:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8892051/

Waterscapes for mental health:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8618438/

Importance of greenspace: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5663018/

Filed Under: Anxiety, Communication, Couples/Marriage, Depression, empower, Family, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, marriage, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Self-Worth, Women Empowerment, Women's Issues

Follow the Pattern

August 10, 2023 by

As a therapist or even someone on the receiving end of therapy, looking for and following patterns is a concrete way of making sense of ourselves. How we handled or reacted to situations in the past can be a great indicator of how we will approach them in the future, as well as allude to how we learned to get by before. Patterns and tendencies act as a road map of sorts that we subconsciously follow to get us to a place that is comfortable and familiar. This concept can be broken down into two parts: (1) the pattern and (2) the destination. As aforementioned, the pattern is the behaviors and thought processes we follow that are seemingly inherent to us, while the destination is the end goal or result we hope to gain or accomplish. If the pattern is the treasure map, then the destination marks the treasure. Let’s put this into context! Suppose you are in an argument with a friend. If tension tends to make you extremely uncomfortable and you want to get to a place of peace quickly (destination), you might succumb to their demands and agree to whatever you need to in order to restore said peace (pattern). Within the same situation, suppose your aim is to prove that you are right and impose that you have your way (destination), you might interrupt your friend, speak loudly over them, and be unwilling to explore their point of view (pattern). In the final example, suppose you want to maintain your friendship and find ways to reach a mutual understanding of one another (destination), you might ask questions and respond with compassion while also presenting your case (pattern). The takeaway here is that when we are aware of our patterns, through the assistance of therapy and self-reflection, we can better identify ways to change the unhealthy and strengthen the healthy tendencies. Additionally, we can wind up with more satisfying and sustainable destinations.

Written by Cindy-Joy Rosado – Graduate Student in Mental Health Counseling

Filed Under: Anxiety, Inspire, kindness, love, Self-Worth

Steps for Starting Therapy

August 3, 2023 by

Starting the therapy process can be simultaneously exciting and nerve-racking, especially if you have never done it before. There may be a lot of questions regarding what it looks like or what to expect. You might even be envisioning what we see in TV shows or movies where you have a client laying on a couch and staring at the ceiling while the therapist is sitting nearby, jotting things on a clipboard, and asking, “How does that make you feel?” In a space of many questions and uncertainties, I have found that these guidelines can help out tremendously in preparing for a therapy session and ensuring you feel comfortable and informed.

Identify the reason(s) why you want to receive therapy – This can include symptoms, life stressors, personal development, and so on.

Do research on providers – This part is twofold: (1) Find providers that are covered by your insurance or have rates that work best for you and (2) explore what the therapists of that practice specialize in; the aim is to pair your needs with someone who knows how to tend to them.

Schedule a consultation – If you have further questions you would like answered before your session (i.e. rates, scheduling, etc.), set up a phone call with the office manager to gather more information.

Test it out – Like a good pair of jeans, you want to test out your therapist to see if it is a good fit. While they are the experts of how to treat mental health issues, you are the expert on your sense of safety and comfort. You should never feel unseen, unsafe, or dismissed with your therapist.

Maintain open communication – If you have questions, concerns, thoughts, or anything at all, be sure to talk about it with your therapist and be as transparent as possible. The only way to fully assess your needs and come alongside you to lend support is to fully know what you are experiencing.

Work collaboratively – While the therapist is learning more about you, you will also be learning more about yourself. Some interventions might work and others might not, but so long as you continue collaborating with your therapist, the both of you will learn what works best and what helps you get to where you want to go.

While the logistics of each session may vary, these guidelines should become standard practice. If you are going to enter into a space where you are required to be vulnerable and open, you should ensure you take all the measures possible to be informed and feel prepared for what is to come.

Written by Cindy-Joy Rosado – Graduate Student in Mental Health Counseling

Filed Under: Communication, Depression, empower, honesty, Inspire, kindness, Men's Issues, Mental Health, Uncategorized, Women's Issues

Guide Your Child Through Life

July 28, 2023 by
Figuring out the best way to guide your child through life can be scary. There is no perfect manual that tells parents what to do when your child throws a temper tantrum at the grocery store, when your child refuses to eat anything but cookies and chicken nuggets, when your child becomes curious about life, when your child experiences their “terrible twos or terrible teens.”
Ultimately, parenting is a ‘learn as you go” journey. There are several great books that teach parents some really useful strategies when navigating through different stages in your child’s emotional development. One thing that I suggest to parents is to assess their parenting approach. The beauty of a child’s development is that they are taking in their environment. A parent’s parenting style is a major source of influence on how a child will interact with others in their adult life. Children thrive off of high expectations while being supported and guided in a loving environment. When parents take an authoritative approach, parents recognize that their child and/or teen are still developing emotional maturity and depend on their guidance and limits to navigate through life. Through their guidance and boundaries, parents empower their children to make decisions. A because “I said so approach” is not taken but statements like “what do you think about..” “I do or do not think this is a good idea because…” ‘Which one would you choose…” “Help me understand…” “I can understand you are upset but it has to be this way because…”
Creating healthy parent-children relationships is important in creating healthy and secure adult individuals.
Written by Jessica Sagastume – Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Bilingual and Immigration Counselor
Filed Under: Anxiety, Communication, empower, Family, honesty, Inspire, Intimacy, kindness, love, Mental Health