by; Christine Carter, Ph.D.,

Like many young people around the world, this is a kid who has weathered some deep disappointments in the last month. She was studying at an art school, a once-in-a-lifetime semester program, when COVID-19 hit. Classes aren’t the same when you don’t have the materials, studio, and equipment you need for printmaking, sculpture, and developing your film.

1. Acknowledge their loss

It’s true that their disappointment about not going to prom or having graduation is trifling compared to the tragedies that thousands of families are facing right now. Many people have lost family members who they didn’t get to say goodbye to, loved ones who died alone and terrified in an ICU.

And it’s also true that our kids’ losses and their resulting grief are real. Most of them don’t have the life experience that would help them put something like a canceled prom into perspective. Discounting their very real frustration and sadness will only make them feel worse. We adults can help them feel better by acknowledging both their losses and also their feelings about the loss. Empathy is a powerful medicine.

2. Name their feelings

If you are raising or teaching teenagers, you already know that adolescents experience their emotions much more intensely than adults. This is normal and appropriate and it can be distressing to us as adults. To be truly empathic, we need to listen without trying to fix or take away their grief. Helping kids identify what they are feeling can, ironically, ease their pain. If your adolescent starts telling you a story about an imagined future, perhaps bringing up worst-case scenarios in which they aren’t able to go off to college gently bring them back to what they are feeling right now, about the current disappointment.

3. Teach them about grief

You may recognize that your teenager is grieving, but your teenager probably doesn’t. There is power in naming what teens are experiencing as grief; it helps them acknowledge and validate their own experience. We adults can’t deliver teens straight to acceptance, but we can try to model it. By accepting these challenging circumstances, and also by accepting our own and our teens’ feelings, we can bring a calm acceptance to our household.

4. Help them find meaning

Meaning comes from the light we find in dark times. It might come from the gratitude we feel for our family or a sense of awe that overcomes us on a hike. And, often, meaning comes from helping others. Again and again, research has shown that even in dire circumstances we feel better when we turn our attention to supporting others. This is true for teenagers as well. It’s not surprising that teens who provide tangible, emotional, or informational support to people in crises tend to feel more strongly connected to their community. They cope with their own challenges more effectively, and they feel more supported by others.

As we approach what is likely to be a long summer for our kids mine all had jobs and plans that are now in question we can ask them: How can you be helpful to others during this time? How can you channel your frustration and anger? Our questions may or may not spark something in them. They may not be ready or able to find meaning. Whether or not they see it now, meaning will likely come from simply enduring this difficult time. These kids, even the full-grown ones who are now living with us again are getting a crash course in dealing with discomfort and disappointment.

While it’s true that a joyful life comes from positive emotions, it also comes from resilience from having the tools needed to cope with life’s inevitable difficulties and painful moments. The silver lining for this generation is that, like it or not, they are gaining the skills they need to cope with difficulty. Fortunately, these are skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives.

By: Jason Spendelow Ph.D.

Grieving the loss of a loved one may be especially challenging right now.

Bereavement is a painful, stressful, and difficult journey at the best of times. But grieving the loss of a loved one may be especially challenging during the  COVID-19 pandemic.

Why Does the Pandemic Create Additional Strain for the Bereaved?

We live in highly uncertain times, and we are surrounded by fear, anxiety, and illness. But this pandemic will be especially stressful if already grieving the loss of a loved one. Some of the reasons for increased stress may include:

• Being less able to receive in-person support from friends and family, potentially leading to a greater sense of isolation and loneliness.
• A decrease in activity levels which may lead to more “thinking” time and a reduced ability to use hobbies and interests as helpful distractions.
• High levels of social, health, and occupational uncertainty, reducing stability in life as you grieve, which can create difficulty planning for the future.
• More frequent reminders about illness and death, including the fear that you will experience further loss.

There will be other stressful factors but, as we can see, the coping resources of a bereaved person are under severe strain in the context of the pandemic. You must have a clear game plan to help manage the additional challenges caused by COVID-19.

Coping Strategies

Here are some suggestions to help support your well-being while grieving during the pandemic:

• Acknowledge that grieving at this time is more challenging than coping with loss outside a health crisis. You have additional sources of stress to contend with, so you must practice self-compassion. Signs of self-criticism might come in the form of beliefs like “I should be doing better than this” or “I am failing to keep it together.”
• Staying connected to others is very important if you are grieving AND socially isolated. Often we don’t feel like talking to others after losing a loved one. If you lack this motivation, try to book times for phone calls and video chats.
• Alternate between “loss” and “restorative” activities. This idea comes from the dual-process approach to grief which says that people move been loss-related activities (e.g., looking at photos of the deceased, crying, talking about the person) and restorative exercises (e.g., making plans for the future, spending time on hobbies).
• Consider minimizing the time you spend watching the news. It is sensible to be aware of major announcements by government and health officials. Outside of that, don’t watch the news if it increases your stress levels.

Everyone is living under difficult and stressful circumstances. The pandemic will be especially challenging for the bereaved. Having a clear coping plan is essential, and some of the strategies suggested above may form a part of that plan.

The pandemic, of course, changed all that, and seemingly everyone involved in the delivery of mental health care suddenly was pushed to use this technology…or else.  To help, states have been rushing to modify existing laws and regulations in an effort to make the service available to as many people as possible during this increased time of need.

Now several weeks into this new “experiment,” we are starting to get a sense of how this is working.  Not unexpectedly, the response from both clients and clinicians has been mixed. Some find the new technology distracting and difficult to learn, and some find the interactions more stale and impersonal. Others, however, love the format and are finding some unexpected benefits to telehealth within the realm of mental health treatment. In my own practice, several families have announced to me that even when in-person appointments become available, they would prefer to keep at least most of the visits online.

As more and more of these appointments take place, a number of important and interesting considerations have also arisen that have sparked debate and discussion. Many have come up before, but with the massive number of new people now using telehealth, there is now a much wider audience.

Like many of you, I’ve suddenly found myself working from home.  Stress levels are high as we contend with our new normal.  The safety of seeing clients in my medical office building is abruptly and unexpectedly filled with uncertainly.  Suddenly doorknobs, hands extended in greeting, elevator call buttons, even the air around us are met with suspicion.  Standing near someone who clears their throat takes on new meaning. Public life is changing in response to COVID-19.  At this moment, most of us are still reeling in shock, frantically trying to interpret the implications of the drastic changes suggested by government officials and medical practitioners alike.  Maintaining physical distance from our friends, neighbors, colleagues, and strangers is becoming the new normal.  In light of these changes, what’s to come of Therapy?

Of course, therapists may screen people on the phone to make sure both feel that online work is likely to be a good fit.  A few tips to get you started:

• Expect some connection challenges in the first session or two.  Sometimes you need to figure out where you get the best reception to maintain an hour-long video call, or experiment with different web browsers.
• Give yourself a few moments of quiet time before your session, just as if you were sitting in a waiting room.  Otherwise, you will feel too distracted trying to make the mental leap from life into therapy.
• Create a routine for yourself just as you would in a therapist’s office.  Make that cup of tea before you begin, and sit in the same location.  Take a few moments at the end of your session to consider what you learned.  Resisting the temptation to jump right back into life will help you solidify your gains.

Change is difficult for all of us and changing the way you meet with your therapist is no exception.  But try it before you disregard this option.  This is a challenging moment in time, and fears and anxieties are running high.  Just remember that we are all in this together and that in due time, we will get through this.

Vacations are great. They help us relax, de-stress, engage in pleasurable activities and enjoy each other.   Studies show that vacations are generally good for your health and wellbeing. Going on vacation with your significant other can indeed help you get to know each other better, make new joint memories, and try new things together – all beneficial for couplehood.

1.  Let go of expectations, especially when it comes to feelings.

When you expect you or your partner to feel a certain way (overjoyed, romantic, relaxed, elated) on that planned sunset boat ride or mountain summit, you might be disappointed.  She might get mildly seasick and feel too hot to enjoy the boat, or he might be exhausted and apprehensive thinking about hiking down the mountain. So instead of expecting to have specific emotions or trying to control them, focus on what you can control: your actions.

2.  Acknowledge your differences intolerance of uncertainty and plan accordingly.

This is one of the most common things that trip couples up.  One of you might be a spontaneous daredevil who is eager to explore all that is unknown, uncertain, and unpredictable.  And the other might get anxious at the mere thought of anything unplanned, uncertain or unpredictable. You are both likely somewhere on the continuum between these two extremes. Talk about this honestly before your vacation, figure out what you can compromise on, and leave the rest for some scheduled solo time or another vacation.

3.  Relax and prioritize sleep.

Both the quantity and quality of sleep can predict more couple conflict the next day.  And more conflict tends to lead to worse sleep, creating a vicious circle. So, make sure that both of you are getting enough sleep on vacation.  Moreover, create good conditions for healthy slumber: Sleep in a cool, dark, and quiet space; moderate your drinking; choose comfortable bedding.

4.  Detach from work and unplug.

Try to unplug from screens and electronic devices as much as possible.  Even five days off of social media has been shown to reduce stress. Using your vacation as a tech or social media detox period can dramatically reduce negative effects. You will be surprised how much more you and your partner will enjoy your vacation if you just put your phones on airplane mode, even for a couple of hours at a time.

5.  Learn something new together.

If possible, use vacation as an opportunity to try to learn something new as a couple. The effect is especially strong for couples who have been together for a long time.  This does not mean that you have to try tandem bungee jumping next time you take off for vacation. A cooking class or an art class would be fun.

Dr. April Brown has a great opportunity for couples to receive one on one counseling, and a vacation in a luxury suite, with fun excursions though Vacation Counseling Retreat. For more information, please check out https://www.vacationcounseling.com/ application available now for May 2020!